"One Track Heart," Krishna Das, and Getting Out of Our Own Way

Well, it has been about an hour since I finished watching my DVD copy of "One Track Heart: the Story of Krishna Das." I feel a very strong sense of calm after viewing and listening to his life story, and told in just over 70 minutes.

I am not writing to do a critique of the film, and I am not going to fall over myself in the greatness that is, etc. There's no need.

Here is the trailer...the story of one man who traveled to India and was not planning to come back. A guy whose old band went on to become Blue Oyster Cult. The one who bonded with a guru who didn't want anything but love, because that is what he gave back.

You might have seen Krishna Das' performance at the Grammy Awards. You might have been amused, confused, even bored. The sound wasn't good. Also...calling him a "New Age Rock Star" is bullshit.

KD does address this issue in the film, as he addresses his depression, his drug abuse, and a whole lot more. You see a few people you might recognize, and you see in the concert footage something very few ever get to experience. I have not yet; I hope to.

Connection. 

KD talks about it...he is not singing to anyone but his guru, not to you, me or even himself. It is, as is noted an intimate conversation we are being allowed to listen in on.

I dabble in spiritual things, and I admit it. Buddhism, Wicca and the Indian devotionals, the music known as Kirtan. I mediate to kirtan, among other things, I work out to it, and I don't just listen. I try to let myself go there.

I took one of the traditional chants, "Baba Hanuman" and added my own words to it after watching a documentary. "All One" became one of the simplest songs I've ever written. In my old band Ahltyrra, it was one of our most requested songs. 

There was something about getting everyone on that wavelength, for the six minutes that piece lasts. Sometimes you reach it, sometimes not, but the fact you tried to let yourself go was a big thing.

I saw two old friends today, while traveling about to find a place that would let me use my wifi capability, haha...never found it, and I suppose that was meant because I'd never had gotten to where I did.

My former Zen Master, who I was saddened to see having some health problems. As ever, he remained optimistic and went with it. "Part of the process," he said. True.

Then right after my friend Dharma arrived. Yes, that is her Pagan name. I'd not seen her since sharing the pool at the gym some two years ago. We got caught up, and I started to see some clarity for other things.

In his book, "Chants of a Lifetime," Krishna Das has a chapter called, "The Movie of Me." In the film, I saw some more: it's not about us, it is more about what we do and why we do it.

He also said one of the biggest obstacles in his own life was to get out of his own way.

I have to do the same. Why do I remain in a dying industry? Why do I play music? Moreover, why do I write these books, one of which I'm finally putting out?

Hardly for the money! Would be nice, but not a necessary thing. Just enough would do. Either way, I do these things because I love doing them. Some more than others.

My lesson is to get out of my own way, and continue to answer the question of why am I doing this. 

We let things get in our way, and that becomes the obstacle. We are our own obstacle.

I have to figure out what I'm going to do with the years I have left. I have to make a living, until we figure out how to live without money. I especially do things, but to write, it is what I enjoy and love doing.

I hope that the stories I write get out there, that people are at the very least entertained just a little bit by them. If not, fine.

But I hope they're good enough that people like them, refer to them, think about them, and also see what the characters see: a lot of my characters are unusual, and seem a little extreme at times. Or they're just there. Well, there's a reason for that.

Each person is extreme, non-extreme, or just there. We all are.

I hope to live long enough to see these things come to pass, where people find characters they like and identify with, and then see what they go through. Not much different than you or me...if they can move forward, so can we.

My aim now is to get out of my own way, and let these things occur as they are meant. I'll do what I have to, but beyond that, there is not much else to say but...let us connect.

I reach for that connection when I write, perform, and even open the mic. Not for me, not anymore...I'm just a go-between.

Krishna Das is the vessel...the guru is poured in, or from the other end, you are poured in. One way or the other, there's a meeting there, and a message.

I'll get out of the way now, and see where it goes.

Here's a better version of what they did...if you can't get the vibe of this, I don't know what will do it:

Namaste.

Samhain, plus the Death of Anything Meaningful

Well, this is it.  October 31st, Halloween for most of us, and me for a while in life.  That's not really what it is, though, but at this high holy day/night of Samhain, I'm finding myself not feeling terribly spiritual.

Believe me, I want to be, but I realized today that now is the time for me to blog about something that has bothered me tremendously over the past few months.  I am again going through another shaking of my belief system, and I'm processing it about the only way I can.

I realize some of what I am about to say will likely offend you; that is not my intent.  This is not to disrespect anyone who has any (or no) views at all on the subjects I'm going to tackle.  

Now I'm also not home, so I don't have all the resources at my fingertips I might require, but I'm not sure I'll need them.  This is not going to be a treatise on anything academic, more just my opinion and feeling about things.

In the wake of a hurricane, I think a lot of our lives our really disrupted, and Samhain for Pagans, Wiccans and the like may be stuck in that same situation.  

My thoughts may meander, but I'll try not to do that.  First of all, we have the dark night of Samhain, but it is not meant to be dark in the way that other alleged religions would have you think.

We head into the winter, less sun, longer nights.  We have harvested the fruits of our labor, one would hope, and now we have time to reflect.  One of the periods of a Samhain ritual mirrors the Jewish time of Passover (I hope I'm right on this) where the dead are remembered.

This past year, there have been several deaths; too many to mention.  Friends, colleagues and others; I feel a disconnect from them, yet tonight they might come around before they move on.  If they have, then so be it.  It's made me think of my own mortality again, though I feel physically much more able to live on for a lot longer.  I just hope my mental status remains good enough to keep up.

This kind of moves me to what I'm starting to think has happened to us:  I'm starting to see the madness inherent in organized religion, and how it's being used and misused.

I don't have any particular dislike or hatred of any religion; I just don't like the way people use it.  Most of them use it for their own gain, and don't think one second about the consequences of their actions.

Those who claim to be holy or religious may well be trying to live that way, but then one must realize we are human and cannot be perfect.  We pass ourselves off as that, though; by every means necessary.

I read recently that one of the tenets of the Sikh faith is that each person must try to live an exemplary life.  Well, don't we all?  You hope...but what does that mean?  A good life?  A fulfilling life?  One that makes a difference?

Interpretation I think is part of it; I believe most faiths want its people to do that, to do good, and so forth.  Again, what is and what is not is open to interpretation, and that's where we get off course.

People who claim religion point to their holy texts...the Bible, the Koran, the this, the that...the fundamentalist (read: fanatical) and possessed believe their word is the only word, and that's it.

I find these texts interesting, as Sherlock Holmes once said, "to a collector of fairy tales."

I do not believe any of these religious texts are the word of "God."  They are stories, anecdotes, quotes; were they transmitted from someone in the know, or were they the creation of historians and very early public relations men?

Jesus supposedly didn't write anything down, because he didn't want it traced back to him.  So who wrote all that stuff?  I don't think he did, and I don't think his "Father" did, either.

Most of this stuff is written to keep people in line, in fear, and unable to get out of a shell.  Then we have the grotesque interpretations of same...

You see and hear it all the time; most people just chuckle at it, but I don't find it funny.  For example, parallels to Christianity and Islam:  certain sects of both faiths believe...are you ready for this?  That all musicians are homosexuals.

How about that?  Didn't know I was gay!  I have heard people spout that shit off.

12 words in the book of Leviticus makes "Alleged Christians" believe all the lies thrown down about homosexuality.  If it wasn't being gay, it'd be something else, believe me.

Most of these religions are all about subjugation, in the context of how they are interpreted and used.  The Protestantism I grew up with was not a hate-filled, fear-inspired, "Us against Them" religion.  The Bible was not a word for word way of life; it offered stories, guidelines and thoughts that were important, supposedly.  Faith in it all was one thing, but that faith had to be in yourself, as well.

I do feel a lot of people, regardless of their religion really do try to walk the walk as well as talk it.  Of course, the ones who talk the loudest are the ones I suspect the most.  You talk too much, you doth protest too much; sounds to me like you have something to hide.

An old and dear friend I went to a Catholic (yes!) college with many years ago, on finding I followed Buddhism asked me:  "Does that mean you do not believe in God?"

Good question.  At the time I recall saying no; because as a Pagan, I believed in a God and Goddess.

Now let me get into the context of that, and what I think they really are:

To me now, there is a higher power...it is a universal life force that flows within and without us.  God and Goddess are male and female labels and manifestations given this force, because we then can recognize and understand them.

There is something there, but I don't think it's anything you really can see.  You can feel it, yes; perhaps you can even commune with it.  It's there, but the question for me is:  do we really need the names, the labels, and all the trappings that go with it?

No matter what we call ourselves, we all have rituals and rites.  We again call them by different names; the holidays are the same, just different names.

The Pagan ways that pre-date Christianity are still there; largely, they have been co-opted, borrowed, even stolen.  

Now if I may get onto a topic that is more current:  about 15 years ago I came up with the phrase, "the obnoxious fad that passes for religion."  I used it in a radio commentary, and it raised an affirmation from my boss.

Religion, especially Christianity became a fad to me in the early 80's, but it was like that long before, with television and evangelicals like Billy Graham.  Graham is looked up to even by non-Christians but I honestly don't think that man deserves all the credit.  Considering the pro-war, hateful stance his son has taken since taking over for the old man, and that Billy has not corrected his idiot son makes me wonder.

Graham was virulently anti-Catholic in earlier days, and made clear that John F. Kennedy was not fit to be president, because of that.  He later backpedaled and apologized when he found out what a howler he'd committed.

What followed?  Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson; two men of hate if ever there were.  I recall a radio colleague trying to apologize for Falwell and his rants against "Witches."  I technically am one; wonder how this guy would have reacted if he knew?

The point I make:  a flimsy, unreal form of faith has penetrated our consciousness to the point that it no longer represents what it was meant to be.  We trivialize our faith and spirituality at every turn; politicians for eons have declared "God" to be on their side, and their party's side.  The media repeats quotes of "God" and prayer and anything like that because it supposedly makes good copy.  No, it's just "working God in there," and it makes me sick.

To me it is offensive.  One of the most egregious and disgusting acts has been the dog and pony show starring Tim Tebow.  The NY Jets backup quarterback is the frontman of a money-grubbing operation led by his father.  The "Tebowing" and all the sickly sweet things that guy does are done with calculation and with an eye toward making him look good...and making all of them money.

It's all like that.  

The man who became Buddha never called himself a "God."  He was a man, and never said he was anything else.  What he learned he passed on in oral tradition; the Four Noble Truths, his sayings, thoughts and so forth are all things that came to him, and he shared them with others.

After his death, his followers traveled that part of the world to bring those teaching to others.  A monk is said to have reached the west shore of Central American in the 5th Century; they made it as far as the Middle East.  Would it be too much to wonder...did Jesus meet one of these traveling monks and share information with him?  Possible.

I do think Jesus was a real person, and some of the stories are plausible.  Most of what is written of him is long after his death.  

Another point:  Jesus supposedly did not walk about the world crowing to all that he was anything special.  He did not need churches, mosques or temples to show off how great he was.  He didn't want everyone else making a lot of noise either.

Add to this the trappings we throw down; look at the churches, the temples, the cathedrals.  Modern day ones look like Wal-Marts or malls, but the old ones do have some charm in their architecture.  I want to think these places were built with love and with the right intent, but again, it's the people who run these things and how they run them.

The point is:  we have allowed things to surpass yet again our reason.  We allow those who claim the power and the special line to the almighty to rule us, and dictate what we will do and not do.  

It gets downright stupid; laws are made to govern that men must wear beards, women must cover their bodies because the men are too stupid to control themselves, and it's the women's fault anyway.  Men have to do this, women can't do that, and you must give 10% of your wealth or more to the church, and so forth and so on.

You know what?  None of that is the church's damned business!

Then we have the lovely scandals...the Catholic Church, and that ongoing scandal that will never end I fear.  Look at the Mormon Church; they supposedly outlawed polygamy and child brides in 1902, but it still goes on.  They do nothing to stop it.  Of course a "religion" founded on the alleged visions of a man who claimed an angel delivered him the plates of a book should be considered suspect.

We have permitted ourselves to be taken in, ruled and controlled.  Pure and simple.

So where do I fit into this?  I am still trying to figure it all out.  All I know is that while I want to ensure that you have a right to your own mind and can decide for yourself, also know I am not trying to change your mind.  

I am not saying you're wrong.  I am not saying anything of the sort; if it works for you, good.

"An' it harm none, do what ye will," is the mantra, but there are others.  

I believe in the life force, and I do think it's there.  The spirit world does exist, and it is all around us.  This is not for peace of mind, it just is.

IT JUST IS...mindfulness of Buddhism, the mindfulness training that Thich Nhat Hanh put forth...we are, it is, it's here, so are you and I.

We all are here...like it or not, we need to learn to exist together.  In most cases we do, but we do have a way of destroying ourselves, don't we?

Of late, people will note that Krishna Das has again become part of my spiritual life.  He is a vessel; the chants (or Kirtan) that he sings are songs and chants that go back centuries.

Krishna Das wrote in his book, "Chants of a Lifetime" that he was not singing to any deity, but just to his guru.  It was what he had to offer.

Meditation, chanting, prayer, mindfulness.  They are all the same thing.

We all do it one way or the other.

I respect your right to do it how you wish...just don't put it on others, which we unfortunately do too often.  We demand everyone be like us, or else.

That has got to stop.

Organized Religion should have its hall pass revoked.  What you are and what you will be should be up to you.  It's time for the so-called religions to pull their weight; to pay taxes, to register for selective service and serve this country in some way.  I love how we can send young people to war, but some of those who support and push for the war make sure their own kind doesn't have to go.

Decide for yourself, where things fit in your life and be practical.  Be thoughtful; be mindful.

I'm still trying; I don't where I'll end up tomorrow, but know this, I'm making an effort to be me, to be a decent person and to try and correct the crazy things that I know are not all right with me.

I'm not perfect, never will be, but I can be better.

Blessed Samhain to you and yours; whatever you do or don't, it is up to you.  

I don't see you any different than I did before; to my friends, my people, I'm still me, and you're still you.  Let's keep working to stay together on that, and respect our differences, and the things that make us different.

For me, it's the life force that guides us.  If you think I'm fucking nuts, you have a right to your opinion.  

Peace, I'm outta here.

Day 16: Riding Out the Storm

Here we are on June the 1st, and it is on a day such as this that it's decided to go dark.  We just got hit with a good downpour through the late afternoon, and it hasn't adjusted my moods.


I am now on the 16th day without my anti-depressants.  The first 30 days are the worst, that I know, and I'm feeling it.  


By the way:  I am NOT writing this to make YOU feel bad; nor do I wish to acquire your sympathy.  This is also NOT a cry for help; I'm okay, I'm doing what I have to do.  I suppose the main reason I am doing this is so that I can explain to you just what is racing through my brain in the absence of the medications.


Time will tell whether going off them was a good idea or not.  So many people are in one camp or the other:  either, it's OMG YOU HAVE TO BE ON THOSE THINGS FOR LIFE OR OMG WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.................


...and then there's the other:  OMG THOSE DRUGS ARE KILLING YOU AND DESTROYING YOUR LIFE AND OMG YOU WILL NEVER REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL AND YOU'LL BE SHUFFLING AROUND LIKE A ZOMBIE ALL YOUR LIFE AND OMGOMOGOMGOMGOMG...


STOP IT.  RIGHT NOW.


It's too fucking soon to know which is the right course of action.  I have to feel this is the right way for me to go, at least now.  If things get too extreme or dangerous, then I'll consider what to do about it.


I do not feel in any situation I'm going to require sectioning or any of that shit.  So let's get the white-coated orderlies out of our heads right now.


I do admit to going through a fair amount of cycling; what that to me means is that my body is over-adjusting or over-compensating to the stimuli that's attacking me.


I am again feeling the lows very strongly.  They are not good; I am trying to convince myself that these will pass, and that I will be all right.


I am not feeling the highs at all.  I generally don't anyway.  I have reasons to feel that way, but I'm not sure yet of how they are going to manifest.


How do I feel?  One moment to the next, different.  I have managed some small changes that will be good for me in the long run.  I got a fair amount of cleaning done earlier this week, and things look a little better.


More to do there.


Stress...the level is extremely high at times.  I'm getting wound way too fucking tightly over things that I need to remember and accept as being the way they should be.


Guess what one of those things is...wait for it...


COMPUTERS.


Oh that's a good one, isn't it?  Considering how much time I spend on-line?


I find I am not very patient with these little items.  If they don't work, I ain't happy.  I must also remember that computers are only as smart as those who program or use them.


Quite a few times in the past two or three days I've been ready to smash my laptop.  Or my home PC.  I mean smash and destroy it.


Childish, yes.  Destructive, yes.  Stupid, very much so.


Yet in those moments, your mind does not think so.


Just need to take a deep breath, and remember that in that time, you must be patient.  Exercises in patience.  Indeed.


Need to pull back from it, too.  Got to convince my brain to think a little more.


The cycling is an issue, because it does not allow me to think clearly, or straight about things that I have to consider.  It's nearly impossible to think for any length of time about things that I have to think about.  I have to focus on certain things, and it will not happen.


I have to regain command of that ability.


I'm also seeing and hearing the voices that I know are not there.  The images of people (especially my family) who used to mock me when I was struggling.  They thought they were being funny; they thought they were trying to bring my attention to what my behavior must have looked like.


FUCK YOU ALL.  FUCK EVERY ONE OF YOU.  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!


Ask my sister-in-law, who suffers from bipolar disorder; she has been, and I don't think it's a stretch, on the edge of madness for a long time.  Her issues are deeper than mine, harder to handle and harder to understand.  


I don't have what she has; thankfully I have not found myself there in the long-term in many years.  But I get it; oh, I get it.


So anyway...I've been sitting at one of the "Offices" for the past couple of hours, getting a few things in order.  I have been considering a bit of clean-up on the laptop, and that has been a good thing.


I have cleared tons of pages from my favorites that I don't need.  True, a lot of those were reference or resource sites for my writings, but I just don't need them.


I feel scattered all over the goddamn place, but that is what that is.  


I'm still working out, and I do feel a bit of energy returning there, and again, that has really been a good part of the recovery.  I'm not doing crazy shit like some of these people do (just look around and you see crazy everywhere)...none of this "I lift things up and put them down" shit.


My knees are a wreck, and I have to stay with the pool.  The bike is off-limits till this heals right.


Now how does one cope:

Check this out.


Krishna Das has given me a platform to get back to my Buddhist side...but then my Wiccan and Pagan sides are all a part of this.


I've been listening to "Breath of the Heart" and the CD included in his book, "Chants of a Lifetime."  This is shocking, in terms of what this does for me.


I am fucking moved.


Through what is offered, I was moved to write a song called "All One," which became one of Ahltyrra's most requested songs.  It is from a Hindu chant that is on "Breath of the Heart."  KD himself gave his blessing to my adding my own lyrics and arrangement.  It became something you won't believe.


I have also written another with this:

This is not something I just dove into.  I've been aware of this since 2006; it's been in and out of my life.


It is part of my meditation, and what I do.  


It's helping, believe me.


And while we're at it:  I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT "CHRISTIANS" SAY ABOUT THIS.


I know most Christians don't believe this, I truly know...but for those who can't get it:


THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SATANISM NOR HAS IT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING THAT IS A FUCKING THREAT TO THEM.


GET OVER YOURSELVES...NOW.


This is fucking saving my life right now.  If it keeps me from destroying all that I have or don't have, I'd say it's good.


Okay...enough of that.


I'd say to anyone who is struggling like me...if you can make it on your own, that's great.  If not, it's okay to ask for help.  When it gets really bad, if people don't get it, then they can't help you.


Keep looking.


It's all good.


Well, I feel a whole lot better after that.  Imagine.


Okay, thanks for reading, and know that you ain't alone, it might just take a while to go looking for it.


Good will hunting, or whatever that's supposed to mean.


Peace.

2011--Where the Fuck Have I Been?!?

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged.  Since there hasn't been time, you should not be surprised at all that.


I don't really want this to be a Year in Review, but there's a lot to think about for certain.  I think it's going to be a jumbled mass of thoughts and ideas.


How much has gone on...how much has not as well.  I remember saying at the beginning of the year it would be my year; in some ways it has and in others not so much.


Hardly complaining, though.  Let's see if I can figure out the important factors of 2011 before we enter the dreaded 2012.


(Before we go further, I will let you know right now:  I DO NOT BELIEVE THE WORLD WILL COME TO AN END IN 2012, AT ALL!)  Okay, with that out of the way:


The working world remains elusive to me, in terms of full employment and the new brass ring, which is health insurance.  I'll talk about that in a minute.


I got a great opportunity at WITF; the chance to host NPR shows.  I have received some very nice reviews from friends and strangers who have heard me hosting "Morning Edition" and "All Things Considered."  I'm most grateful for compliments and criticisms, and there have been a few.


My reputation of sounding like I know what I'm doing is being put over well, hahahahah!  I also have garnered a reputation for playing some interesting "bumper" music.  If you listen to NPR, you hear strange bits of music they use between segments.  


When you hear me talk, you hear MY music.  It's different stuff, instrumentals and such.  It just comes from my CD collection, most of it is stuff most people would never hear, and it gave me the chance to play Ronnie Earl and the Broadcasters a lot for you!


Also got to play a bunch of Neal Schon, Dave Huttlinger, Santana and Frank Zappa.  Yes, to that last one...heh.  It's become what I do, I guess.


But anyway, the chance to do the NPR thing was one of those jobs that I never thought I had the skill or the "in" to get to do.  My sports job for Radio PA on the other side of the cubicle row, plus a few words of encouragement (thank you Rob Wilber) set me up for it.


So that plus sports jobbing at Clear Channel give me work, but not enough to live on.  I'm not dying, but it's a matter of hanging in there, and still trying to find work that'll cover the bills.


Insurance is now a needful thing; what I buy doesn't count for much.  I will be getting hit with bills for most of my colonoscopy this time.


For those who don't know, I suffer from Ulcerative Colitis, and have since 1994.  I am not sick from it anymore, it's in hand, but I have to get screened every two years because of the possibilities of colon cancer.


This last screening found something that if left there, might have become cancer.  It's gone, so it's all good, but it's not something I take lightly.  Both of my parents died from cancer, and there were probably others on the family tree that dropped from it.


My other health problems have finally been again raising their ugly heads.  The past two months, I was unaware of how badly I was losing the plot.  My depression has been under good control for a long time...but then the anxiety started kicking in.


Ever get that feeling of being overwhelmed, silently?  You have so much going on, and your brain just shuts off.  So you don't remember anything.  Or you have a tunnel vision where there is nothing going on but that one thing in your own universe.


Well, I have had my Zoloft dose doubled; I feel a lot more calm.  A bit better focused, but I worry that it may take away my energy.  It will take a while to get used to it.


Now...as of today, it is my six-month anniversary of joining a health club and quitting smoking.  For the latter, I still bum one now and then from friends, but I have been surprisingly free of it.  I have been swimming primarily, doing some cardio work, the sauna and other things.


I feel better than I have in 20 years.  I've lost fat, put on some muscle, and I've dropped about 12-15 pounds.  I really do feel great.  Of late, I've not been able to do as much in the pool as I have for a while; either the dreaded plateau, or my body is still adjusting to extra Zoloft.


Then there's my personal life:  my meeting Alice has been a huge blessing.  It is true, we have been on and off the past several months.  We are not "an item," at least not any longer.  But we are good friends, and that has been a huge help.


Alice is more intuitive than even those people who claim they are; she has her own issues going, but she's been able to tap into things with me, and push me in directions I've needed to go.  It may just be she is the first person in years to either have the smarts or the balls to tell me what I needed to hear.


Always nice; I am indebted to her.


Now, that leads me to associations.  I left Moonsong Coven earlier this year; a decision I put off for some time.  The last cable has been cut, and while I miss them, I left in good standing and the proper way.  No regrets; all good.


My spiritual side has been reading Krishna Das' Chants of a Lifetime:  Searching for a Heart of Gold.  Great story of searching and striving; it always goes on.


It's helped bring me back to the chanting that has helped inspire me and keep my head together.  I remain Buddhist, Wiccan, this/that/other; I too keep searching and trying to stay mindful.  Not easy, but you keep doing it.


I have not seen much of the old gang, and I do miss them.  I think however I have had to move on, and let a lot of things go the way they've meant to.  I don't know what any of it means; it is possible that work or real life will move me out of Pennsylvania, but I don't know yet.  


It does not have to; but I need to see what comes next.


Writing:  my agent is still pushing the Sweet Dreams Series, but I wonder now if there's more we must do.  Need to stay on the collaborators, because I think some visual stuff will be a need.


I finished a 600-page draft for Silk Road Days earlier this year, and I've edited it some.  More there I need to do, but it has something special.


Parasite Girls I think also has potential in the adult mainstream fiction market.  I need to consider the projects and what to do next.


Music:  Dan and I still get together to write and play, but nearly everyone else has been busy beyond belief.  What is next there?  I really don't know; not quitting, but wondering.


So it has been one hell of a year; I'm still running through it all and trying to figure out where it all leads.  But that's how it is; you can't just say this, that or the other will happen.  You have to make it happen, and I need to refocus.


Same as always.  Life goes on.  Hope your '11 was good, and we can do what we need to make '12 even better.

More Weirdness, and Strange Thoughts

So it has been a few days, and I wonder if there's been any progress. I rather doubt it, but for my own peace of mind I have to put some new things out there.


Part of my decision making process has been to consider just what needs to change.  When you recover from illness of any kind, doctors generally say that the repair of the body is the first thing that needs to be done.  The mind can wait, because it will follow after that.


I remember that very much being the case when I was in my car wreck in '94.  I had a long physical recovery, which did not get any assist from the other illness that followed it.  Mentally, I was not myself for probably two years.  I was there, but not always there.


That was then.  Physically, not much has to change right now.  So I can safely go to the mind, and figure out what needs to be done.


I knew that certain associations had to be cut.  One of the most difficult is my coven; as I have formally informed my leader, I believe it is okay to say so now:  I am leaving my coven, once we can prepare for the parting, and the other matters I must take care of in order to make a right exit.


Protocols are different in any group, but you don't just say, "That's it, I quit!" on something like this.  Certain others have done that, and it's bad form, along with whatever karmic madness that is likely to follow you.


That is a difficult decision, but it's one that I put off for two years.  Most of you are aware of the "relationship" that existed between the leader and myself.  We both thought that was in the past, but apparently it was not.  There to me is still an invisible link, if you will.


Also, that part of my life, while good, educational and inspiring, has come to an end.  I can give no more, and it can give me no more.  I have learned all that's learnable there.


I have to take in hand my own plans for my development and resumption of growth.  What I am does not change, only it will go forward.  I have to look into some other areas, too.


A lot of things are going to change; as I've warned, if people don't see me it's not because I'm avoiding them.  It's not because I no longer like them, or anything silly like that.  I just have to go this way, or else I'll go mad.  Or perhaps, madder than I naturally am.


Alice gave me some ideas...she lent me a pair of interesting books...it's funny how I used to read voraciously, then I stopped.  My attempts to read books that I thought were useful to me, I could not.  They would morph as I read into these repetitive, twisted plays on words that stopped making sense about halfway through.  What good is that?


When I began to write the Sweet Dreams Series in 2007, I didn't read much at all.  I was too busy creating my own universe to worry; but it is true, you really do need to read other writers' work, because you can learn a great deal.


Still, haven't read much, but now and again I would find things that did interest me, from either the storyline or the standpoint that I could understand that person's writing style.


Among them is Larry McMurtry, who of course wrote "Lonesome Dove" and "The Last Picture Show."  His style is very different, very short sentences, paragraphs, etc.  It's his unique way.  "Picture Show" was the book that pretty much made his career, and his recent "Rhino Ranch" ended the four-book series of that subject.  Great stuff.


It was no surprise that I'd become a fan of his son, James before all this.  James is a brilliant musician and songwriter, with some incredibly gritty, humorous and well-written songs.  I would recommend his "Live in Europe" recording which recently came out, or "Just Us Kids."  If you can find his 1990 recording, "Too Long in the Wasteland," that's also great.


So anyway...a lot of my spiritual readings tend to disappear into that aforementioned whatever...I just lose the plot.  Were they writing to fill up the book or what?


Alice did lend me a book by Osho, about relationships, which helped her back when she needed it.  I have a deck of cards by this man, which always make you think and refocus a little.  You're supposed to use one card a week, read it, think about it.


His opinions on religion will shock and anger a lot of people, but the idea is to get beyond the things that keep us unhappy, in place, and fucked up.  It's a slow, thoughtful read.


Easier was a short book of meditations by Tony DeMello...these are things I kind of know about, but a refocus comes through them.


I found one of my own...Jidda Krishnamurti wrote one called "Where Can Peace Be Found?"  This one is quite good.  I would recommend this to anyone; peace has to start with us, and we cannot rely on a church or a gov't to do this.  We can't even rely on our friends or family...it starts with us.


I think all of this is telling me, that I do again have to take a stronger hand than I have before in finding my own form of peace.  There are, as I've said times when I have it, and times when I don't.

Then there's this...I have never fully understood them, but Krishna Das brought these prayers and chants to the world.  One of these formed the basis of an Ahltyrra song, "All One."


The one you hear is becoming part of a new song.  I found myself chanting this one while driving the other day, and the calming atmosphere that arrives is a needed thing.


So there's more Buddhist stuff to be found here...a lot of the mindfulness, the grounding and centering required in Paganism, and these other things.  Basically, quieting myself before I can go anywhere else.


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That said, I did another edit of SDS-2, aka "Call it Love."  Needed it; I'm starting to find my writing style in another direction, and I think the first two books of the series are finally on the track required.  All good.


Other than that, need to get my head together further...not always easy, and I have a feeling I'm going to be in the wilderness for a bit.  Whatever; needs to be done.