A Need to Be Reminded

I guess I need to remind myself at this point, of what we're doing all of this for. I have been quite busy, far too busy for my own good as we begin 2018, and I'm not without enterprise.

I had to finish off a manuscript I call "Times Best Remembered," and it's done but will need fixes and work. Quite a bit, really; but when you have a story burning a hole in your head for two years, it's probably best to get that out of your system.

It's actually a good, solid contemporary novel, and it has possibilities. I quite like it. That's saying something.

That leads me to preparing to edit the first book of the long-awaited "Sweet Dreams Series." The story of youth, time travel and the power of music is finally going to happen, but I have a lot to do before I get there.

I'm finding there's an interesting parallel in my work in recent years: the SDS is going to be a long-running commitment, but I have another.

Some of the non-SDS works have a very intriguing theme to them, even though every one stands alone. All of them have themes of young people, dealing with growing up, falling in love (or not), battling adult problems, and trying to figure out their direction. It's also a strange celebration of life, that I think might be lost on some readers. It was lost on me for a while.

So yes, the story is going to come out, and I need to keep pushing the other avenues. The film, the anime and other methods, but trying to find the right person to help with that, not easy.

Need the agent, too...gotta find the one believer that opens that door. But I have to kick their in first.

I am reminded that I have to occasionally look back at where I was, to figure out how many steps I took to get here.

Perhaps I can remind you, or have you go take a look.

Well then, how about this?

https://www.amazon.com/Live-Cafe-Tory-Gates/dp/1620067145/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

Now, whatever did they say about this book?

It draws you in, just as the cafe and its owners seem to draw in those in need of a comforting place to meet over coffee and to talk with friends and neighbors. The book explores varying backgrounds of the main characters, as well as others who drift through for a day or night of music, all of whom seem to find the warmth and friendship they are seeking through the cafe.

These are Amazon.com reviewers by the way. An old friend who doesn't do reviews told me he was quite pleased to see my writing has matured. Yes, he said that. I've improved, and from a fellow writer, that is a very high compliment.

https://www.amazon.com/Moment-Sun-Tory-Gates/dp/1620066327/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

This story really is in my view probably the best one of the three currently published. I did not expect this story to hit people as it did, but I should not have been surprised. As I battle a similar urge to sometimes not leave my home (even for the work I love doing), let alone get out of bed, I can get it.

Gates demonstrates a firm command and knowledge of a topic that most readers will find foreign, but his compelling characters and in-depth description of modern-day Japan helps ground the reader in a strong narrative. The characters are edgy, multifaceted, and devoid of stereotypical memes. Because Gates frames his descriptions of the isolated world of the hikikomori through the eyes of Rei, the mood does not slip into despair, but, rather, remains hopeful and retains the air of a survivors tale.

As a high school English teacher I have seen withdrawn students over the past 26 years who can identify with the "hikikomori." Some of them make it, and sadly, some don't. Tory Gates gives them a voice in A MOMENT IN THE SUN and that may be the most poignant and liberating aspect of this novel beyond being a well written book that pulls the reader into the world of Rei and her friends as they discover the resilience hidden inside themselves.

Well...these were two significant reviewers' looks at what I was trying to get across. A good story, I think, strong characters that were not stereotypical, and also a real look at what some people face. This is not your happy-happy-joy-joy work; it has real moments.

https://www.amazon.com/Parasite-Girls-Tory-Gates/dp/1494401975/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

Now, that first one...what did they say?

A fantastic book. Please read! You won't be sorry. Mental Illness is never an easy topic to discuss. Mr. Gates handles it flawlessly.

A great read about a tough subject in an interesting setting. Tory Gates introduced me to a unfamiliar world and yet I felt truly immersed in the culture and was filled with compassion for the complex characters he created and the challenges they faced.

Please read! You won't be sorry. Mental Illness is never an easy topic to discuss. Mr. Gates handles it flawlessly.

For a fast reader, with only four major characters, it turned out nicely. A relative who suffers from the affliction the cover character (Sora) has in "Parasite Girls" told me I'd got it. She deals with what Sora does every day. 

The "Sweet Dreams Series" I hope is a step into a new world, but one that people can get familiar with, as I hope my other works shall do.

I have the writing somewhat done...now to plan the next move forward.

This is daunting, I'll not deny it. It feels overwhelming, that I've gotten this far, but now getting the doors kicked open that need to be done. 

If anything, I do not quit.

Anyway, I decry looking back to the past and especially living in it. I do NOT live in that past whatever...now, today and tomorrow, if I can do something in the forward direction, then it's good, even if it doesn't seem like I did shit.

So that's that. If you didn't check those out, I hope you do. If you did, leave me a review over there at Amazon or at Brown Posey Press. Every one counts.

Peace, Out.

"You Only Became What We Made You"

Greetings, all...forgive my not blogging for quite some time, but I have been busy. There are an awful lot of things going on for me, and as usual I feel like the only time I arrive here to talk about it is either because:

1. I for once have nothing else to do (not true in this case).

2. I am wondering if the world around me really does exist in this fucked-up state (kinda).

3. I am falling back into significant depression and am trying to find my way out of it again (BINGO!).

You would think I should not have anything to be depressed about, but do not tell me that, because it changes from minute to minute.

I am right now in a sort of mixed-manic phase. I know this, because I am jumping ahead, and then backward again in an effort to recover lost ground, and on account of my thinking too far ahead so that I forget things. Too many things.

So anyway...GeoTraffic has been keeping me busy. Very busy, in fact so I am traveling an awful lot right now. It's good, the money is good, and I am hopeful to have a more set schedule in the fear future.

My usual summertime depression is upon me. You won't really see it, but I fucking hate summer.

I do not like the season. I do not like dealing with what Mainers like to refer to as "Summer Complaints," i.e., TOURISTS. I am also not enamored with a lot of things. I mean a lot of things.

I had kind of a strange date the other day. I won't say who this was with, but needless to say we were sort of introduced, and we talked a lot in leading up to a meeting. Went well; nice person, intelligent, etc.

We are too different.

Isn't that interesting?

Well, yes it is true. We like each other. No attraction beyond that. Nothing.

Oh well, you can't really force these things, can you? I have no regrets, and I'm not going to be on the hunt, so bear that in mind. 

I realize that I am not the most outgoing of people. But I do not think I am unapproachable. I am perfectly approachable and willing to engage, unless you want to talk to me about religion, politics or THE DRAMA YOU THINK I CAN HELP YOU WITH.

Forgive me, but: DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR THERAPIST?

Now...in the midst of all this madness, I am trying to figure out what the fuck I am going to do next.

I have some friends (thank you all) who are "beta reading" my upcoming Young Adult work, "Drifters." One friend has been reading bits at a time, and so far she has been quite positive.

Waiting on the others. Also, I just finished the mind-numbing and migraine-inducing proof of "Drifters." Went alright. Christie Stratos, my Proof Positive reader, did a fine job and pointed out some issues. 

Now, there is another: "A Moment in the Sun." One reader says so far, I have set a very fast pace. Faster than she usually can handle. But she likes it a lot.

This is good; can't wait for the others.

Now...if you like, you too can be a beta reader, let me know. But bear in mind, if you agree you will read it and give me an honest view, no punches pulled.

I can take criticism, lots of it.

So there's still "Parasite Girls." I have not done any readings or anything like that because I honestly have been too busy with the real world. Sales aren't good, but I didn't expect that. This was an object lesson in learning what to do and not to do.

Efforts to get signings lead to nowhere, but I kind of keep at it.

I wonder what is the point. I am adrift in a sea of horrific romance novels, smutty fan-fiction and knockoffs of whatever is popular now. Everyone thinks they're the next great author. I'm not saying I am that, but I write better than a lot of this shit.

At least I hope I do.

Don't worry, this is the usual cycle of doubt, self-criticism and verbal and literary self-mutilation that I go through about every three months. Nothing's changed at all, folks, haha...

And of course...I have another idea...another very strong, bizarre idea for a story. Do I write it? Do I start writing it?

Argh.

That's where I am, folks.

The quote of the Who song is because I just got the 2013 Wembley Stadium performance of Quadrophenia. Review is good, but mixed. Sonically, fucking insanely good! Roger, well, his voice was not all there, but in his mid-60's what do you expect?

He is in finer form on his new collaboration with Wilko Johnson, "Going Back Home." GO GET THAT!!!

"You only became what we made you..." -- No, you make yourself, you allow yourself to believe THEY did it to you!

I make ME...I remind myself of this...

...away I go.

UPDATE: this makes me feel better. Be prepared.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=402370749884864

"Parasite Girls," Censorship and Assorted BS

I have to tell you, I really don't have time for this stuff. But I am going to focus on the events of the past day, and point out a few things that need to be done.

A few days ago, in an effort to promote my book "Parasite Girls," I sent an email to WHTM-TV, also known in the PA mid-state as ABC-27. They have a noontime live program called Good Day PA, hosted by Amy Kehm. The reason I did this was because they have an "Author's Spotlight" section. It's about a 3-5 minute sit-down segment, where Amy interviews area authors.

Why not, I thought? So I send the email; Ms. Kehm gets back to me and is most enthused. She says they're booked for a few weeks, but what days are good?

We agree on May 20th. I'm told when to arrive at the studios, etc. I am given a document to fill out: synopsis of the book, key points, contact information, all standard stuff. I send it back, along with my written synopsis, and a shot of the cover.

Two days ago, I also sent them a copy of the book, so they could look it over, or at least skim it. All well and good.

Well yesterday, I get an email from Ms. Kehm: it is apologetic in nature, and she uses the term "awkward." You know what's coming, don't you?

My appearance was cancelled. The cover of the book is apparently too controversial for the program, and they cannot show it.

My first reaction: "Are you kidding me?"

Now, for those of you who bought my book (thank you) or are interested in it, "Parasite Girls" is a work of fiction. It deals with the story of a journalist's reinvention of self, plus the struggle of his female friend (and two of her closest ones) as they battle against a real form of social injustice.

"Parasite Single" is the actual term, and it is the basis of a book by Dr. Masahiro Yamada. I have not read this book, but the idea is a look at this phenomena of Japanese adult women (and some men) who continue to live at home with their parents, and don't leave. The insinuation (whether deliberate by Dr. Yamada or not, I don't know) is that they are mooching off their folks while living a carefree, irresponsible life.

Aidan, the main character knows that everyone has a story. He sees his old friend Mima struggle with her past. He watches her best friend Sora struggle with bipolar disorder; he sees their friend Eko dealing with her past as well.

This is the cover of the book. The scene depicts Sora, the bipolar sufferer in one chapter, and one portion of the story. This is the artist in action, during the rush of a creative episode.

So this is offensive, is it? This is too much to show the Good Day PA audience, huh? Too sexy, too racy, too whatever for the good, fine citizens of Central PA to see?

As far as I am concerned, Ms. Kehm and her people did not bother to read (or if they did, think about) the synopsis that I gave them. They did not bother to examine the issues involved in what I feel is a good, and compelling story.

I am a broadcaster myself. I have spent 30 years behind the mic, behind the board, on location and everywhere else there is to be in this business. I understand how hard it is to put together a show and produce, day after day. It's not always fun, and you have to make decisions.

I feel this decision was arrived at hastily, and for the wrong reasons.

"You can't judge a book by looking at the cover..." -- True, but we all do it, and often it is done for the most uncertain of reasons.

Now, let's take a look at the big picture: I live in Central Pennsylvania. This area, as one of my colleagues likes to say, "still thinks Kennedy is president."

These people by and large live in the past, and they live in a fantasy world. I have lived here 14 years, and it never ceases to amaze how small-minded and ignorant people can be. Not everyone, but quite a few.

Taking a look at the video clips ABC-27 offers of Good Day PA, and if you look at the authors, you can see what they go for. Nice, inoffensive, pedestrian subject matter, w/o a hint of anything that can possibly offend the sensitivities of the audience.

Which categorically denies the state of a high percentage of THE REST OF ABC-27's alleged programming.

I am in this media, and I am not impressed with, nor am I a fan of a lot of it. This TV station is not unlike any other commercial one; they have to make money, pull ratings, and cater to the needs of their viewers, sponsors, etc.

Now what I'm going to say is just one person's opinion, mine. You don't have to agree with me, but I hope you might see my point.

This station decided, based on the cover art that my book is somehow scandalous and even offensive, or would be perceived as such by a largely older, conservative and religious crowd. That's where I think this went, right?

Now...have you watched ABC-27 at all lately? Did you see what they had on yesterday?

"Good Morning America" is NOT in my view a news program. Delivering the news from a couch is not news. Having a bunch of celebrities and guests who will say anything to get their 15 seconds of fame is not news, nor is it remotely informative or entertaining.

Kelly Ripa and her boytoy of the moment is not a show worth mentioning.

I had the unfortunate experience of having to listen to the audio of a show they run called "Bethenny" recently. A trashy, name-calling, low-intelligence talkfest which makes "The View" sound brainy by comparison.

Then they have soap operas, "Judge Judy," a show called "Trophy Wife," and overnight paid infomercials.

Oh this is not offensive, is it? I don't care much for their local news coverage either, never did. Honestly, there is not one program on their station I would waste time watching.

I'm sorry, but you know what? In my humble opinion, a large percentage of programming that station offers is mindless, cheap entertainment that to me is utter shit.

So this is okay for your audience ABC-27, but not a few minutes' chat with a local author who busted his ass to get his work into print, and a story that is actually about real and serious issues?

Shows where we are, doesn't it? This audience is likely the same one that finds "50 Shades of Grey" and Danielle Steel novels as high-brow reading. Imagine what talk radio they listen to as well, eh?

Well, you know what? Fine. I do not ask you to bombard ABC-27 and Ms. Kehm with emails or letters, for that won't do any good. I highly doubt they will reconsider, and I don't want it. If you don't want me in the club, I would feel uncomfortable being there because it's grudging and not honestly wished for.

So if you wish to be judge for yourself, go here:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1494401975/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1494401975&linkCode=as2&tag=coverscroll-20

I have learned that if you click on the Kindle version and page inside you can read the first few of the story. I don't think what I wrote is that controversial, I really don't. I just wanted to write a good story, and I have several more coming.

ABC-27 hasn't stopped me from selling my book, and they have not stopped me from writing. No one will. I feel they have just made themselves look foolish in public, and I certainly don't mind tweaking their noses if I get a chance.

I just find the hypocrisy amusing, but also sad. Just sad. What the hell are they so afraid of? A real story, about real issues? Ideas other than the ones that they already, and can only be confirmed, not challenged?

The struggle continues. One bump in the road ain't stopping me. 

Peace, Out.

The Service Machines, and "We Are All Whores..."

Greetings, for the first time in a while. The sun has finally shone again for what feels like ages, and from mountains of melting snow and ice I think we're going to see our way out of all this.

https://www.facebook.com/tory.gates/media_set?set=a.10151892746485787.1073741827.552340786&type=3

Want to see pictures and video? Go there...

...so what has been happening? Well, I'm slowly getting back to work. My training with Tango Traffic is complete, and I'm now working weekends and fill-in, generally for northern cities.

www.tangotraffic.com is the site: that's a basic listen of what we do for major cities. The format is not much different than what I did for XM Radio, but the company is delivering this content in localized and specialized ways. I can't really tell you all the details, because I don't know them. Suffice to say, the vision is for something a little bit different. Tapping another market, so to speak.

I like the people I work with...just about every one of us has been in the business for some time...some of us, decades, and I mean decades. I'm back aboard with a couple of my former XM compadres, and everyone seems to know everyone from somewhere. Radio, and broadcasting in general is like a small town.

Now this is out in the Philly suburbs, and it's a drive on Route 30. I have considered moving, but I am not sure I will. See the link above? Why would I leave that?

Yes, getting up and down that hill in winter is dangerous...why I didn't buy a Jeep I don't know, but whatever. The drive is no longer than some I made in the past. From that place to DC? Even longer. It worked out that it became a best option.

This also lets me remain in this area, and I can keep my hand in the business around here. I will still do work for the Radio PA Network, and whatever else I can find and fit in. Needless to say, the Tango money is way better. But I don't just do it for money; this is what I do. We all find ways to stay in this business, and no matter what role we've got, we give it our best.

Besides, this beats working!

Now how about this:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1494401975/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1494401975&linkCode=as2&tag=coverscroll-20

"Parasite Girls" is selling slowly, across the Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Smashwords and other platforms, but I do not mind so much. I'm working on getting it out there. I have it in a few indie stores, most of them in the York area. I have also donated copies to the York and Dauphin County Library Systems. I even got one in the Varnum Library, in my old hometown in Vermont!

Suppose I could blanket more, but I have to select my targets. Made a trip yesterday to Lancaster to try and get some action there. Some places just don't do "new" books, and others have to also choose carefully. I did have a nice talk with the manager of the bookstore at Franklin & Marshall College. She might just take it, I gotta hope. 

Never been to the campus, and my short walk across it was interesting. Reminded me of days of walking across St. Joseph's...didn't feel much different.

Now...what is coming next? I hope to do more readings, once I get my schedule straightened out. And this:

https://www.behance.net/torygates

Selected bits of future projects are here...what one will I do next? Hmmm...

Not sure at this point, because I need to give a push to "Parasite Girls," as far as I can this year. But also get ready for the follow-up. 

My wish is to make my next one a first step into the Young Adult world. I will not be kept to one genre, no need to do that. I have to figure out which story fits, which story works, and so forth.

Either way, I'm having fun.

http://www.genedante.com/

At the bottom, click on the "Play" thingie, and listen:

If that song does not blow you the fuck away, I don't know what will. "We Are All Whores" is a great song that is direct in a way so many pop songs today are not.

Gene is an old and dear friend...we did Rocky Horror together in the 90's, and this guy was the one out of all of us that had the talent to take it wherever he wanted to go. His band has done some great music over the years, and I'll explain why I am plugging it.

I may be back in the writing and critiquing business for this part of PA. I was a music critic for years for the old FACE Magazine. Didn't always know what I was doing, because in writing that was an ongoing exercise. 

A certain publication might be taking me on, and I have a new way to serve the public around here, yet again. I hope. 

One thing you need to remember, folks: CRITICS (AND/OR REVIEWERS) ARE JUST PEOPLE WITH AN OPINION. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BELIEVE EVERY FUCKING THING THEY SAY.

I tended to not often agree with the writers of Rolling Stone or other publications about what they thought of music, bands, etc. We all have our views and we have a right to those views. We just have to remember a couple of things: THE OPINON IS LIKE AN ASSHOLE. WE ALL HAVE ONE.

Now, the other one is very hard for my colleagues in the media to figure out: JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE WRITING THE STORY DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE THE STORY.

I cringe when I listen to or watch people in the media (sports media, in particular) go on about some subject, when you know it's really all about them. Their views, their authoritative blatherings and rantings about what makes this good/bad, etc. And of course, what must we do about this...

Small-town and syndicated columnists are even worse. To get paid, they have to write the most ridiculous, inflammatory and downright hateful garbage. This is how they get attention. 

We don't need that kind of attention. I don't want it.

Look, if I write something nice about someone, or I criticize somebody's work, I'm not trying to kiss up/start a fight. Just opinion. You do not have to believe it.

But look at how we are...talk radio, scream TV, Internet mania, anti-social media...we believe every goddamn thing we hear/read, don't we?

I'm using this potential gig as a means to say to you: we are all here trying to get along, get forward, get going. At least I am...if you want to wallow in your private universe, and regurgitate everything you read/see/hear from what comes out of the radio, the TV, the net...go ahead. Don't expect me to give you the time of fucking day. I don't have time.

I have work to do. This is my role; I write, I create, I offer my services in the best way possible. I am a service machine; I admit it. I do my own original things, but I also can do things that I hope make a difference, even if that difference is just a miniscule blip on your radar screen.

I want it to help. 

I am not interested in being a talking head, where the head does all the talking and no thinking exists. I do not care to be a crotch-grabbing loudmouth pumping up the virtues of the local sports team, at the behest of whomever. 

None of that makes sense to me...I've lived it, seen both ends of it. At this stage of my life, if being a traffic reporter (as I was for several years before) makes a difference to a commuter, then good. I did something good, and right.

With regards to "Parasite Girls," I have received two positive reviews on one of its aspects, mental illness. Both have told me I hit on the issue correctly, and well. That's great news...I drew on the experience of those around me, and my own issues, to try and make it work.

The whole damn thing works, I know it does.

So you see, why I'm like this. I do not expect you to believe anything I say, or write, or whatever. Understand this exercise helps me do what I have to do to survive. I don't blog much, because I don't have time. Not for you, but I just have better things to write, to work on, and I have to be on the go.

The other point, in using Gene's title is this...we do get off on our attention, don't we? We're all human, we all do it. Sometimes, it's good to have a little of that.

I was relieved, and happy to hear a family member and a friend say what needed to be said about "Parasite Girls." 

I did something right. Nice feeling.

See ya.

Parasite Girls, Time the Healer, Sylvia Plath...and the Point of it All...

I am not ashamed to tell you that right now I am in a holding pattern, partly of my own doing. One of the unfortunate results of that is finding myself stuck, and l fear leaving others in the lurch. It's not something I am happy about.

Without ever saying it, my late father by example did his best to keep his word on things. We all learned that, and for that reason I sometimes find it very hard to promise things to others. Because I have no idea in about 50% of the cases whether or not I can actually follow through.

It's easy in some ways--people need me to cover the, I'm there. That's because I need the money, but also because I do actually enjoy the dying industry I live in.

That plus a series of incidents and issues has led me to once again find myself on the edge of a pit that I do not wish to fall into again. It's pretty bad when you don't sleep properly (the worst thing for whatever my brand of depression is!), and then awaken to find it's fucking 12 Noon.

Lovely. So much to do, no time to do it in. And yet that may well also be an illusion I've allowed to manifest.

So, where are we? August 1st, and I wish to know where I am, still. I've had a few friends ask me about my work, and what's going on there. Well, suffice to say I've been cruising through cyberspace for the past 12+ months on the job hunt, and yes, also looking outside the broadcast realms. Couple of interesting interviews did take place, so I am encouraged.

Of course, it means...moving. The days of being able to drive to my job are no longer, and that means for me pulling up stakes. I am aware this is something I will have to do; there is nothing left for me to do in Pennsylvania, and I think a change of scenery is what I need. I need it, badly.

I feel sorry that I have not been able to commit to things, musically. That leaves one person hanging, but thankfully he's using his mad skills with another project, and I hope for their success. Add to that: here in York, I give respect and props to friends who have produced really awesome music. Their talent goes way beyond anything I have to offer in that line. My job as a DJ is to help them get some kind of attention, which is well deserved.

That has been my role. To push, promote, and let others know who's really out there. I guess I tried to push myself into that hole and I think I'm alright, but not what works. Not now.

Let me get to the next one here...w/o internet service at my house, I've had more hours to read, edit and do stuff in a comparative silence. I have to admit, I like that. What it has done is allow me to examine things a little more closely, than I normally would do.

The net is our TV, isn't it? We watch it, read from it, and get all obsessed over what's on it. I'm not going to go on a rant about how awful it is, because that is pointless. Nothing is ever good enough for some people, and nothing will ever fit their pigeonholed respectability whateveritis. Do what you gotta, folks.

Sylvia Plath's unabridged journals are a very slow, heavy read. I'm basically reading her diaries. And again, these have to be taken in a very small bit at a time. Her word use, big words, some kind of education none of us could possibly get today...let those elitist little "exceptional" brats (and especially their voyeuristic parents) have a go at THIS!

What I get out of it, though is that Plath suffered from the same issues a lot of us do. She suffered losses, went through all the turmoil any human being did, but felt it so much more intensely. She was human; you see her struggling in the pages with her family, the need to be wanted by another, but also the need to be who she had to be. Sylvia vacillates on her writing, ignores it, comes up with ideas for stories with impossible names for characters, but you wonder where they all went.

She was ahead of her time, in terms of her feminist views, but these were not fully formed, I don't think. She left behind an awful lot for us to consider, though, about ourselves.

So where does that leave me? Well...as I've shamelessly plugged you can find me on Behance.net, and the rough opening of "Parasite Girls" is there. That will come out later this summer, and I do hope very much to see some cover ideas from my artist friend.

I'm already trying to consider the follow-up. I don't know if I should do this, but with down time and "stasis," the word Sylvia uses a lot, I have to do something.

I look back at a lot of my writings from years past--all just waiting to break out, and I realize my style changed. What I have is still good, but not good enough. Nowhere near. I must go back to that. I must bash at it yet again.

So in the meantime, what have I got?

I think "Time the Healer" might be the followup. The rough opening is also on the Behance site. It's longer, but in ebook form it'll not be so bad. I think I can have it ready for 2014. My goal is now to publish one every six months, while still trying to find some method of getting into a real book form.

The cost is not going to be prohibitive, and hardly do I expect my friends to buy everything I write, of course not. But it's got to get out there, and the window is closing.

"Time" also is rather timely...it deals a lot with bullying, and the violence that surrounds it...also what happens when people stick their heads in the sand and pretend it doesn't happen. Not all of this is personal, but enough is and what I have done with it makes it compelling enough for others to wake the fuck up.

The main character is remaking herself (aren't we always doing that?)...without ever seeing the video until today, I now realize what is fitting about this:

"Point of it All" is from the solo album, "Who Killed Amanda Palmer?" I was listening to this recording and others of hers as I put the story together. 

This is where we are. 

I woke up late, and with a mind to go do something I should be doing today, and the feeling of no drive, no energy and no will is horrid to me. Being lazy is not something I enjoy--it comes from years of being told not to be lazy, to be active, to work, and work, and work the fuck some more.

I do not know what it is like to be lazy, even when forced to it. Yet, some must think I am, because they see me sitting in the "Office," banging away on my laptop or staring at it.

My surgery of one month ago does have a hand in this, but I am improving, so you'd think I would feel better about it. I do, but I am finding this world around me a crushing one, that I have to fight off, as I do ongoing depression.

That video above? I've heard and played that song fuck knows how many times. I love it; it's well-written, the piano and the way it was recorded (not sure how from listening to it) and what little instrumentation around that just fits. The video did not depress me, but you feel something, don't you? 

Ain't that some shit?

Resignation as well...what I hope everything to be will NEVER be. I am starting to realize that what I hoped for is not something I think I want, anyway. Because what I wanted will transform out of my hands and into something that it's not. Or...is it because I wish to control it, that I won't let it grow?

Oh. Now that is tough one, isn't it? Perhaps I should let it go, as I have had to go many things, my land up home, my last connections to certain places, and to again look down the open road and see what's there.

And yet I must wait. Wait for things to change, on their own time, but wonder also if I have time, enough for it. Perhaps it is to take these matters more securely in my own hands and say, "Fuck it! I will go NOW!"

Not instant gratification, mind; more just a matter of putting things into action and saying, "Alright, now it's moving--let's see where it goes."

Depression. It is not fun. I do not, as another has said, wish this on even the person who hates me most, if anyone actually does. 

For those who are starting to wonder, believe me I am not considering any kind of drastic measures. I have no interest in creating that kind of mess, because I have learned that to stay is to keep fighting all of it, and to eventually win, because you are still here and you didn't ring the curtain down prematurely.

An old friend very bluntly stated that she didn't think much of those who offed themselves, because they gave up. Well...there are some who would take that way out rather than face the reality of what was before them, true.

Not everyone though--for some cultures, there's still the matter of honor and pride. I understand it, but I don't. We can't fully understand a place we've never been, and never grown up and lived in, can we? But we think we do.

It's noted in "Parasite Girls," that suicide is at times a dark place where if you fall into it...(I'm leaving it blank, you decide for now)...

So what is "the Point of it All?" I don't know. I have a bad habit of using other people's lyrics and songs for inspiration because I don't feel most of what I have written in that line really works. They just don't fit, and I don't find my own lyrics and songs to be that inspirational. They do work in certain ways, but not always.

Just one more step of development I guess.

I'll try a little harder today, to get moving. Sorry if this is a rambling mass of whatever...but this is what you get. You get one draft in my blog, that's all!

"I write reams of this shit every day, haha!" -- John Cale loops that in one of his songs, I love it.

Peace, Out.

One Year On, Two Years On...& the Question of the Use

I do wish for a bit better feeling than the one I have going right now. As it stands, I can look back from the end of July and see some definite steps forward, and really positive ones at that. But I still don't feel it.

Two years ago, I gave up smoking (read this as, buying $7 packs and sucking 'em down in two days...I now bum on occasion) and went back to the gym. Well, I've never really been in a gym, per se...but I went back to trying to get myself into some kind of condition, and I have to say I rather like what happened there.

I am not a weightlifter, and I have no interest in it. I primarily swim, and except for the past month as I recover from Giant Cyst Removal (you DO NOT want to know more or see pictures), I've been hitting the pool and the sauna. I meditate in the latter, and do whatever it is they say you do, when it's your body and your weight is being moved, worked, etc.

Result? I am 27 pounds lighter than when I started. I was never overweight, but the muscle is back, and I feel better than I have in about 20 years. I have not grown tired of it, though I do get pissed that I have to be very careful about this ice cream scoop sized hole in my lower back. It is healing though, so all good.

Now, about one year and a little more away from something else: Zoloft. I noted in my last blog that one of my writings, about "Post-Zoloft Psychosis" is still getting regular reads. People seem to be wanting to find out about it, and how it is going.

Well, here's where that lies: after about 14 months off the little blue pills, I find that life has returned to a semblance of "normalcy." But I am NOT normal...normal sucks, normal is boring, normal is far too mundane. Especially where I live.

I'm sorry...but you know what, Pennsylvania? With rare exceptional cases, we could lop off Pittsburgh, Philly and a portion of Harrisburg, and we could say you live in 1954. One of my old colleagues liked to gripe that the vast majority of Pennsylvania thinks, "Kennedy is still president."

No...it's Eisenhower. Hate to say that, but a lot of folks really do live in the past around here. I won't get into the political/religious/social whatever's about it, but you know what? The world has changed, beyond your door, beyond the county line, and even the state line. 

For all the people who sit glued to their iPhones, laptops, i-This and i-That (I admit, it seems my laptop and I are connected, too), there is still a non-nostalgic view of life. Instead of looking back, you still live it! The "Way it Used to Be" is OVER!

Now, that is an example of what I feel, post-Zoloft. My feelings are returning. They were always there, but I will tell you this: they are heightened once more. Not in a bad way (most of the time), but they are there, and they do again exist.

For the most part, my everyday life is all right. I do still feel the highs and lows, ecstatic and crushing respectively, and they are not always fun. I do not have delusional behavior, such as certain people do suffer when in the throes of the higher aspects--you will be relieved to know I do NOT consider myself a deity, an enlightened being or someone who lives with a view that I am a cut above. 

I am Me. Deal with it; I have to every day.

The upper and lower case emotions, feelings, etc. are 95% of the time pretty much okay. These are no different than what any person deals with; so I think for the most part what I am contending with is mild in comparison.

The darker side of it is not always so accommodating, however. There are days, were it not for the sun coming right through my bedroom window (and my cats jumping on me to alert me that the food dishes are empty), I might not get up in the a.m. Sometimes that move out of bed is near-impossible.

I write of this in my forthcoming novel, "Parasite Girls." One of the characters, Sora suffers from Bipolar Disorder, and we have talked of this here. I have a relative whom I shall not name, who is in the throes of it. 

You want to know how bad it is? In a black mood, she physically attacked her husband...she was at Maximum Rage (and I honestly don't think she realizes what she is doing)...he locked himself in a bathroom to let her run...she went THROUGH the door to get at him.  Yes, THROUGH it.

So, there's a pretty good example of the extreme side of these illnesses and disorders. My own dark side is a sight more laid back than that, but it has its moments.

When I feel the tension building inside, it does so slowly, and I've been able to kind of detect it and defuse it. Not always so easy, though; it can be black, and not fun. There are triggers, and each of us has to figure them out.

So far, I have done pretty well at it, but again there are times when I will admit I am not the person you want around when it's going down. 

I will also tell you I am not the person you want near you when you're having your own bad day. Sometimes, I just don't want to hear it. Not saying mine is worse than yours, but it feels that way.

The let-down where I begin to move in the darker direction usually comes from exhaustion, lack of sleep, lack of food, and so forth. I try to obey the law of nature when it comes to me. That sometimes does not put me on the same "clock" as the average person.

Tension again comes when I move too fast, or try to "multi-task." I have since learned that multi-tasking is the WORST FUCKING THING any of us can do!

Everybody says it's hip to be a multi-track minded person...NO. I used to be good at it; I could think on different tracks and projects, and juggle the plates well.

Not anymore. Age is part of it, but also my capacity for juggling is not there any longer.  I am not a person who has to focus 100% on one thing and one thing only, don't get me wrong. It's not OCD stuff; I just have to do things a little differently.

Story of my life right there.

What comes along with the body again making the stuff that the Big Z no longer does? Well, mine did start producing Serotonin (I think that's what it is) again after years of not having to or being able to. I am for the most part feeling okay with my body doing the things it does.

I have to add to it--my physical activity is a part of the well-being, that is for certain. It needs to be done. 

My diet is vegetarian, but believe me I'm not a flesh-of-dead-animals nut! What you eat is your own damn business. This works for me.

Ah...you know this fits into what I want to talk about next...wait for it...

SOCIAL MEDIA.

Yeah...we are connected to it aren't we? I admit as much as the next person. I am not one of those people that's against it, but I'm seeing over the years just how that can be death of you. The things you say, post, etc?

Learning that lesson, believe it.

My Facebook Newsfeed is interesting...I will tell you a lot of people that are my friends are NOT on it, because of the content and the stuff that people consider newsworthy to put up there. I admit...I confess...I put shit up there that most of you would scratch your heads and say, "Wha....?"

I'm working on it...each day I try to work on everything, I really do.

Now...one thing that may have estranged me from "friends," is the perception, and it is often incorrect, of when a person posts something...what is the intent behind it?

A joke? A deeply-held political view? An emotion that must be released, right this second? Or how about this one...ARROGANCE?

I am pretty sure that I'm wrong, but some of the things people put up make me feel like if you said that to my face, I'd be like...WTF?!?

I try not to even look anymore. So what else does this say?

Even with a bright sunny day and less humid, oppressive weather, I cannot feel that good about it. Some days I get it, and it's alright. Others, not so much.

As I write, a letdown is coming, and I try to not think too much about what it is doing to me. You don't need drugs to feel this way...some of us are to quote George Carlin, "paranoid on (our) own."

This is the world I live in. It's not a terribly depressing place on its own, but has its moments. I do my best, each day. I am not a devotional person, meaning I do not feel the need to ritualize my life. There are things I do, on my time that work when they do. I do not expect things to be handed to me; I do what I need to, in order to make those things happen, but it's nice when the universe is cool and lets you see something that says to you, you're doing it right.

Just as I've said, these blogs are not edited, hardly. I don't go back and check for grammar or any of that. You get Me, in the raw unadulterated form when I write on this blog. If anything, I am honest, heh.

NOW...a little shameless plugging:

http://www.behance.net/torygates

Again, on this page you will find a proof of Chapter 1 of "Parasite Girls." The update is thus: Mitch Bentley of Atomic Fly Studios is working on the cover, and soon I hope that we shall have something to share as we get ready for the launch. 

There are also audio tracks from my radio work (my prime income source for the moment), plus other writings, and bits. Hope you'll take the time to check them out.

Each day is a day, and you do what you can with each one. To borrow another colleague's phrase, "That's it, that's all."