"You Only Became What We Made You"

Greetings, all...forgive my not blogging for quite some time, but I have been busy. There are an awful lot of things going on for me, and as usual I feel like the only time I arrive here to talk about it is either because:

1. I for once have nothing else to do (not true in this case).

2. I am wondering if the world around me really does exist in this fucked-up state (kinda).

3. I am falling back into significant depression and am trying to find my way out of it again (BINGO!).

You would think I should not have anything to be depressed about, but do not tell me that, because it changes from minute to minute.

I am right now in a sort of mixed-manic phase. I know this, because I am jumping ahead, and then backward again in an effort to recover lost ground, and on account of my thinking too far ahead so that I forget things. Too many things.

So anyway...GeoTraffic has been keeping me busy. Very busy, in fact so I am traveling an awful lot right now. It's good, the money is good, and I am hopeful to have a more set schedule in the fear future.

My usual summertime depression is upon me. You won't really see it, but I fucking hate summer.

I do not like the season. I do not like dealing with what Mainers like to refer to as "Summer Complaints," i.e., TOURISTS. I am also not enamored with a lot of things. I mean a lot of things.

I had kind of a strange date the other day. I won't say who this was with, but needless to say we were sort of introduced, and we talked a lot in leading up to a meeting. Went well; nice person, intelligent, etc.

We are too different.

Isn't that interesting?

Well, yes it is true. We like each other. No attraction beyond that. Nothing.

Oh well, you can't really force these things, can you? I have no regrets, and I'm not going to be on the hunt, so bear that in mind. 

I realize that I am not the most outgoing of people. But I do not think I am unapproachable. I am perfectly approachable and willing to engage, unless you want to talk to me about religion, politics or THE DRAMA YOU THINK I CAN HELP YOU WITH.

Forgive me, but: DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR THERAPIST?

Now...in the midst of all this madness, I am trying to figure out what the fuck I am going to do next.

I have some friends (thank you all) who are "beta reading" my upcoming Young Adult work, "Drifters." One friend has been reading bits at a time, and so far she has been quite positive.

Waiting on the others. Also, I just finished the mind-numbing and migraine-inducing proof of "Drifters." Went alright. Christie Stratos, my Proof Positive reader, did a fine job and pointed out some issues. 

Now, there is another: "A Moment in the Sun." One reader says so far, I have set a very fast pace. Faster than she usually can handle. But she likes it a lot.

This is good; can't wait for the others.

Now...if you like, you too can be a beta reader, let me know. But bear in mind, if you agree you will read it and give me an honest view, no punches pulled.

I can take criticism, lots of it.

So there's still "Parasite Girls." I have not done any readings or anything like that because I honestly have been too busy with the real world. Sales aren't good, but I didn't expect that. This was an object lesson in learning what to do and not to do.

Efforts to get signings lead to nowhere, but I kind of keep at it.

I wonder what is the point. I am adrift in a sea of horrific romance novels, smutty fan-fiction and knockoffs of whatever is popular now. Everyone thinks they're the next great author. I'm not saying I am that, but I write better than a lot of this shit.

At least I hope I do.

Don't worry, this is the usual cycle of doubt, self-criticism and verbal and literary self-mutilation that I go through about every three months. Nothing's changed at all, folks, haha...

And of course...I have another idea...another very strong, bizarre idea for a story. Do I write it? Do I start writing it?

Argh.

That's where I am, folks.

The quote of the Who song is because I just got the 2013 Wembley Stadium performance of Quadrophenia. Review is good, but mixed. Sonically, fucking insanely good! Roger, well, his voice was not all there, but in his mid-60's what do you expect?

He is in finer form on his new collaboration with Wilko Johnson, "Going Back Home." GO GET THAT!!!

"You only became what we made you..." -- No, you make yourself, you allow yourself to believe THEY did it to you!

I make ME...I remind myself of this...

...away I go.

UPDATE: this makes me feel better. Be prepared.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=402370749884864

The Post-Zoloft Withdrawal, and Gut-Wrenching Psychosis (of Others)...

"Now you're time has come...I'm gonna cut you...Like I should've done...A long time ago........"


Penelope Houston's "Cut You" is a fabulous 90's record that went under the radar back in the day.  Great voice and wit.


Yes, this day is the day for me to fire off a missive about many different things.  I just left my doctor's office, where I reported my self-imposed takedown of the Big Z.  


Ten weeks without the compression drug.  Needless to say the first four weeks of withdrawal were enough to make me a wreck; there have been varied schools of thought about how long it would take to get 12 years' reside of the little blue pills out of my system.  The doc says it's definitely long gone.


It was not a fun period, at least the start of it.


"Criminal," the Pretenders, from that unplugged album of theirs.  Never been a huge fan of them, but it's pretty good.


How do I feel?  Well, I do feel much more like myself.  I have had friends say my color has returned, and that I seem more alive on varied levels.  I do feel that way, but the anxiety and stress levels are nowhere near what I thought they would be.


I still have issues that involve stress, which I'll get to in a second.  I wish to perhaps again pimp a new book, "Coming of Age on Zoloft," by Kathleen Sharpe; she writes for Psychology Today, and the book chronicles her being arbitrarily put on the Big Z while in college.  I think Sharpe suffered from some definite depression in her high school and college years, based on her very frank descriptions and assessments.  There I think was some OCD component, but beyond that I can't really say.


Her experience and that of the individuals she interviewed for the book show a cross-section of people who for as many different reasons ended up on Zoloft, Effexor or any of these other meds.  


The book is NOT an attack on the medical profession, nor is it a slur on the use of the meds...just a good report on the loss of the plot.


"Common Ground," Midnight Oil.  Superb song...Peter Garrett has gone on to represent Australia very very well in Parliament, but I miss him.  He's also a great interview and a really nice guy.


Doctors have admitted this...it became far too easy to hand over the pills and send people on their way.  Moneywise, doctors admit in a number of cases they can bill and make more by handing out the drugs than actually doing therapy and treatment.


What's wrong with this picture, folks?


My physician said that the main aim has been to get people off stuff, if they can tolerate it.  In each person, it's very different.  It also has to do with the ingrained anxieties and issues.


As she said, paraphrasing, when you're crying nonstop and can't stop, or you are so anxious and freaked out that you can't function, treatment has to be looked at.


In answer to my question, she's seeing a lot more depression and anxiety cases.  Much of it is tied to the economy, and the loss of jobs, etc.  Logical; money makes shit like that come down.  I wondered if even before the downturn, were we seeing more of it.


If you for example feel really down, and really depressed, and there's no reason for it, why is that happening?  That is hard to say, again we're so different.  I went through nearly 35 years of it, nonstop.


"Why Did You," Sass Jordan.  Another of the female singers still with us that didn't get the attention she should have.


I do not believe the purists who bitch about how over-medicated we are, because they apparently are all so very happy in their unhappy, grumpy world.  It's true, though a lot of us may well be.


My specialist was the one who suggested Zoloft for me; I at that point in my life felt this was the first medical professional I could talk to about a very serious depression that was leading me to think about some heavy plans to get out of this world.  Not fun.


I don't regret any of it; it kept me together, smoothed out the moods for the most part, and let me live my life.  I've changed.


And we do change a lot.  I'm older, my body has changed and my mind has changed.  Right now, I feel healthier than I have in more than a decade.  That's due to my choices, most of them anyway.


I still do have issues.  Anxiety, guilt, stress, an occasional hyper-awareness.


"Ain't That a Lot of Love," Fabulous Thunderbirds...there we are.


Now, I do think a fair number of people out there do need a little help now and then, and there's no shame in that.


There are however people whose internal chemistry, and the circumstances of their lives where's it's different.  Some serious cases do need meds, plus monitoring.  We can't just decide one way is the only way.


I don't even know what my way is.  I think that changes, too.


I still have stress in certain areas.  Mechanical devices seem to not like me.  I don't think I can use a copier once without it jamming or having a malfunction.  Happened yesterday; making copies at WITF and I'm up to my elbows in trying to figure out how to get that piece of paper out of the top drawer mechanism when you can't physically touch it.


Exasperating; and it's bad form to just walk off and leave it.  Cary Burkett walked into the room for coffee while I was doing this, and we said hello and exchanged pleasantries.  I then muttered, "I hate these things."


He laughed.  We both did.


"Blue Harvest Blues," Mississippi John Hurt.  iTunes shuffle iz good.


Computers...there's another one.  My friend Alice points out that patience is not a good thing with me in certain areas.  True; I can be patient in some ways, not in others.


Now, how about the second half of my title?  The giant metal claws that pop out of some people's fingers and then reach within and start digging and twisting one's self inside and out keeps happening, and I'm watching the sometimes infantile activity take people out of the picture.


"Watching Over You," Mick Fleetwood Band.  I think Rick Vito is singing on this.


This has been on my mind for some months...consider this:  


When you write an email, or post a message/reply on Twitter or Facebook, etc., do you catch the meaning behind the words?  The intent?


I don't always.  Neither do others.


Words are such an interesting and fun thing; we can do so much with them, but as George Carlin used to say, we also use them to hurt.  Not always with bad intent, but we do it.


We also use them for opinions, and those opinions I find become incendiary.  I know I'm guilty of this, as much as the next person:  we over-react.


Then, as Jim Rome likes to say about certain relief pitchers, out comes the gas can and the blue tips.  


FLAME WARS!


We argue over the dumbest things, don't we?  Politics, religion, whether the sky is really blue, and like that.


Opinions are like assholes, we all got 'em.  Why is it when someone actually has an opinion and someone counters it, do one side (or both) go mad?


Then it gets mean...name-calling, accusations, more and more arguing.  We're fighting over an opinion, folks.


Oh but that' right it's also the battle for supremacy, and righteousness.  You get pulled into the game; you must get the last word or you have lost.


Actually, I don't think so.  It is at times best to do nothing at all.


"How Long Blues," Eric Clapton version.


Of course someone's gonna tub thump and proclaim victory by saying they were right all along because they got the last word or wasted hours by dissembling every word to prove they were right.


Time to get a life...I have one, and I'm not being arrogant about it.  I write this blog not to make people mad, but because I like to.  I like to write about the things that interest me, and if you actually can think about this, then good.  I didn't say you had to agree with me.


"You and Me," Mick Ronson...sad loss to rock n' roll.


I suppose living as I do; barely employed, working to keep my sanity, keeping the projects running this way leaves me somewhere.  I don't know where.


The point I make is:  each day of my life, I have do SOMETHING.  I have to do something positive; it can be working out, editing or writing one of my works, cleaning my house, whatever.  As long as I did something of value this day, either for me or for another, then I have done my job.


There are days I don't.  I try not to worry too much about that.  I am more aware that more than half my life has passed.  What have I left behind?


To borrow a phrase, "What indeed?"


"Hangdog Hotel Room," Gordon Lightfoot.


I do feel remorse if I have wronged someone, and I wish to make right those things I've fucked up.  Often, I feel forgiveness is impossible to attain no matter what I do.


I can't back down from what I know is true, but the pull of the other makes me think.  From some I feel, nothing I do will ever be enough.  I will go from what I once was to them, to someone beneath contempt.


I have to live with that; and realize that if they're going to decide I'm a terrible, awful person, then that's their perception.


Maybe they need a bit of mood stabilization.


Now and then, I find I ask myself:  "Am I this horrible person?  Am I really so unapproachable?"


No.


Definitely not.  I'm a person.  If people are put off by my hair, my spiritual leanings, my politics or whatever, then too bad.  I'm not arrogant, just realistic.


"When Somebody Thinks You're Wonderful," Clapton.  Skipping...not one of Eric's better efforts.


"Milk Train," Graham Parker.  Much better!


We do tend to destroy one another, though; we shit on and tear people down because it suits us in the moment.  We make a point, we think we win.


I make jokes all the time about stuff, but do you think I hate people?  Not at all.  Hate is a useless emotion; I see too many people use it.  Just look at the comment section of any website.


People have nothing better to do than spew it, just to start a fight.  


Collective madness, perhaps?  


I'm not sure where this is all going, but we need to again think a little.  I'm sorry if people don't get it, or this, or whatever, but this is where I'm at right now.


Crossroads, maybe?


Could be...we all have one.  I for one do NOT believe 2012 is the end of the world or any of that.  I do not think we're headed for a full meltdown of the entire world, but if something does happen, we survive.  We adapt.  Or you hope we do.


Gotta go...more to do.  In future, we may be transferring the blog over to Wordpress, so I'll let you know where it goes.  


"This is no social crisis, this is you havin' fun..."

"Sing Along with the Common People..."

Well, let's see how this works...looks pretty bold to me...a day of traveling about, taking Kaitryth on her errands.  Now that her poor old Neon has finally shit the bed for good it seems, K. has been able to run about with fellow covenmate Kera to do stuff.  


I didn't mind, as I now realize that I have so little life going for me.  No serious or unusual things, just here and there, and I got lunch at Chipotle by her...all well and good.  


K. is doing well, despite all the madness that has gone on in her life. Her new living arrangement is shaping up, and Mantas appears to be getting along well...when they get back together, don't know, but they seem to be in good positions.


Listening to Bryan Ferry's new CD, "Olympia" in the car, and a Pulp hits collection; hence the "Common People" reference.


Asked by K. about the band.  Yes, will Ahltyrra do it again?  Right now, it looks like a three-piece, perhaps a four if things go right.  Eventually we must get back to work on the music, and I am hoping to take steps in that direction soon.


New song yesterday; my first in a long while.  Need to figure the music, but I think it will be fairly basic on guitar.  Most of my stuff is; it's the band, Dan and others who have made my music richer than it was at the start.


Book stuff...after the brain-melting I went through this week to whip SDS-3 one more time into shape, I am finding my mind getting interested in a storyline that I created about two years ago.


This is going to be very different, and it's going to take a long time for me to get this to work.  It is disjointed and senseless right now, and I have to build around a series of twisted characters.  It's back to creating my own universe again.


I already tried that once, to semi-disastrous results in the 90's.  Again, I still look at the manuscript and wonder about it.


Too much else before me...I think I'll let my brain ramble on, with regard to this new thing...I have stuff in hand right now that must be dealt with.


What life I have...or not...K. asked a very good question:  "So, what do you do when you're not writing or working?"


Oh shit.


Not much; I occasionally do chores at the house, feed the cats, clean a little...fuck, not much at all.  


There is that thing..."A writer writes, always," which comes from "Throw Momma From The Train."  A terrible movie, by the way.  I was not impressed by it.  But that is a trueism.


I also recently considered this as an exercise, and I may still bring it up to the coven sometime:  Count every person you have contact with on a given day.  Anybody you speak to and/or interact with:


Some days I can count them on one hand.  That's not good, is it?


Makes you wonder...even amongst a sea of people, as I am now at the Office, we are all adrift or marooned on an island of our own making.  Some days, I need that; others, I don't.


***


Other strange things:  while we were shopping, or rather K. was, we went into a calendar shop...normally I stay away from the mall, unless I have something I have to buy specifically.  Found a classic game...Mille Borne.


Remember that game?  The French racing card game; I was introduced to this in 1987, and it had already been around 25 years.  Retro weird game; just decided to get it.  Game night with the coven might be fun again...this is a cutthroat, competitive game and is actually fun and makes you think.


***


I digress.  Must move on...get back to some of my ideas and see what other trouble I can cause today...heh.  Sing along with the common people...


...oh, btw...thank you to my friends in Europe who are reading my blog!  I think I know who two of you are, and there is another over there...much pleased to know I'm being read.  (Happy Smile...needed)