Greetings, all...forgive my not blogging for quite some time, but I have been busy. There are an awful lot of things going on for me, and as usual I feel like the only time I arrive here to talk about it is either because:
1. I for once have nothing else to do (not true in this case).
2. I am wondering if the world around me really does exist in this fucked-up state (kinda).
3. I am falling back into significant depression and am trying to find my way out of it again (BINGO!).
You would think I should not have anything to be depressed about, but do not tell me that, because it changes from minute to minute.
I am right now in a sort of mixed-manic phase. I know this, because I am jumping ahead, and then backward again in an effort to recover lost ground, and on account of my thinking too far ahead so that I forget things. Too many things.
So anyway...GeoTraffic has been keeping me busy. Very busy, in fact so I am traveling an awful lot right now. It's good, the money is good, and I am hopeful to have a more set schedule in the fear future.
My usual summertime depression is upon me. You won't really see it, but I fucking hate summer.
I do not like the season. I do not like dealing with what Mainers like to refer to as "Summer Complaints," i.e., TOURISTS. I am also not enamored with a lot of things. I mean a lot of things.
I had kind of a strange date the other day. I won't say who this was with, but needless to say we were sort of introduced, and we talked a lot in leading up to a meeting. Went well; nice person, intelligent, etc.
We are too different.
Isn't that interesting?
Well, yes it is true. We like each other. No attraction beyond that. Nothing.
Oh well, you can't really force these things, can you? I have no regrets, and I'm not going to be on the hunt, so bear that in mind.
I realize that I am not the most outgoing of people. But I do not think I am unapproachable. I am perfectly approachable and willing to engage, unless you want to talk to me about religion, politics or THE DRAMA YOU THINK I CAN HELP YOU WITH.
Forgive me, but: DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR THERAPIST?
Now...in the midst of all this madness, I am trying to figure out what the fuck I am going to do next.
I have some friends (thank you all) who are "beta reading" my upcoming Young Adult work, "Drifters." One friend has been reading bits at a time, and so far she has been quite positive.
Waiting on the others. Also, I just finished the mind-numbing and migraine-inducing proof of "Drifters." Went alright. Christie Stratos, my Proof Positive reader, did a fine job and pointed out some issues.
Now, there is another: "A Moment in the Sun." One reader says so far, I have set a very fast pace. Faster than she usually can handle. But she likes it a lot.
This is good; can't wait for the others.
Now...if you like, you too can be a beta reader, let me know. But bear in mind, if you agree you will read it and give me an honest view, no punches pulled.
I can take criticism, lots of it.
So there's still "Parasite Girls." I have not done any readings or anything like that because I honestly have been too busy with the real world. Sales aren't good, but I didn't expect that. This was an object lesson in learning what to do and not to do.
Efforts to get signings lead to nowhere, but I kind of keep at it.
I wonder what is the point. I am adrift in a sea of horrific romance novels, smutty fan-fiction and knockoffs of whatever is popular now. Everyone thinks they're the next great author. I'm not saying I am that, but I write better than a lot of this shit.
At least I hope I do.
Don't worry, this is the usual cycle of doubt, self-criticism and verbal and literary self-mutilation that I go through about every three months. Nothing's changed at all, folks, haha...
And of course...I have another idea...another very strong, bizarre idea for a story. Do I write it? Do I start writing it?
Argh.
That's where I am, folks.
The quote of the Who song is because I just got the 2013 Wembley Stadium performance of Quadrophenia. Review is good, but mixed. Sonically, fucking insanely good! Roger, well, his voice was not all there, but in his mid-60's what do you expect?
He is in finer form on his new collaboration with Wilko Johnson, "Going Back Home." GO GET THAT!!!
"You only became what we made you..." -- No, you make yourself, you allow yourself to believe THEY did it to you!
I make ME...I remind myself of this...
...away I go.
UPDATE: this makes me feel better. Be prepared.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=402370749884864
Showing posts with label Manic Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Manic Depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
5 Weeks Tomorrow
Well, tomorrow is five full weeks w/o the you know whats...and I'm cycling down from another rush of anxiety, depression and agitation. It is a destructive thing, but once you come out of it, you find you're still hear.
iTunes stuff...after bashing through "Girl Anachronism" by the Dresden Dolls (see previous post for the video), I couldn't bear to hear stuff from my old band, Ahltyrra. "Doctor Brown" by the Original Fleetwood Mac came up...knockoff of Sweet Home Chicago, pretty much.
Okay...we're hitting on five weeks. The past several days my lack of focus has led to me causing myself more issues than I had at the beginning, isn't that funny?
I'm generally clumsy when cleaning...I'll make more of a mess than when I started, and have to do that, too. Mindfulness training does not always work when your mind cycles, and you are trying to get things done, and you just plow into everything.
I'm glad for spellchecker...my fingers don't type well, even with years of training. I took typing before it was fashionable and necessary, and there were few boys in my typing classes, believe me.
Anyway, my fingers don't always adjust to my laptop here, and then they don't go back to the keyboard on my PC, either here or at work.
Crank these normal things up by about 100 times, and you know what I'm dealing with.
"Warboys," Queen/Paul Rodgers...this has been considered a horrid album, and Queen purists hate it. I do agree that while Freddie could sing some of those songs, some are not fitting with him. But Freddie's dead...the other guys have a right to do music, damn it. I think some of the songs are very good.
I managed to kill my PC; well, it was having its own issues, and I compounded the error by inserting the wrong reclamation disk. Guess what happened.
I got it back last night, not from the Geek Squad (losers) who left numerous things unplugged from the last time (NO WONDER MY HEADSET MIC DIDN'T WORK, AND I COULD NOT HEAR A FUCKING THING...THANKS, LOSERS!); there's a local chain that for very little money worked it up.
Of course, I tried to plow ahead and re-fix things that I wanted on there, to which nothing occurred right.
Alice is coming tomorrow to fix it up, and get it to run the way it should, so I can do my writing, my on-line stuff, and my new endeavor eventually.
Also have to hope we can save the iTunes. I'm running off my laptop account, which is not the same, thanks to the Cloud issues.
"Suspicion," by Asia. Arena rock time, folks!
My iPod has all the music uploaded that had once been on the PC...now, can we transfer it from the unit to the computer w/o losing it all and starting all over again?
The worst can happen...it often does. But that is a habit I must quit on.
The writing thing is also troubling me...I feel it very hard to trust certain people, where it is concerned.
To explain: the first book of the Sweet Dreams Series is being worked by my agent. There has been some interest, but no deals. Two publishers are looking at it, but I'm not sure what they think.
Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere came a request for the manga portion. Two point five years after approaching, they're back...well, I have had to again push my collaborators to provide me something.
I can't go into all that. Suffice to say, Jen has provided some pencil sketches that look quite interesting. There'll be more, plus my six-page proposal outlining the grand scheme.
Well, that is almost ready; a little more to add.
They want to see it, now.
A bit of "Karn Evil 9," from a live ELP recording of some 20 years ago. So we're getting this together...and here comes the paranoia.
This was sent to me by Alice: http://indiereader.com/2012/06/how-amazon-saved-my-life/
Very tempting, to just cut loose, but then I have the contract with my agent, the issues surrounding it, and the possibilities of all that could go wrong.
The mainspring inside me gets tight...real tight.
"Dirty Little Thing," Velvet Revolver. Yes! Feels just like that!
I see it all going to shit, even though I know this will not happen. I've not signed any rights away; no one has taken anything yet. AND THEY WILL NOT.
Here's the thing that pisses me off about traditional publishers. They, like record labels and TV execs, look for what fits a market. But they don't always know.
The author of the above, Jessica Park is right: WRITERS WRITE FOR THE READERS, NOT FOR A PUBLISHER.
You want another fucking knockoff of Twilight, do you? Just look at your slushpile; there must be a hundred of them there! Who cares if one of them sucks balls, the stupid people will buy them.
And they do.
Record labels sign their version of the NEXT BIG THING. Prepare for the onslaught of Justin Bieber/Carly Rae Jeppsen brats who can't fucking sing, but look cute.
I am not part of that. My stuff on the surface is not terribly difficult to digest, but if it is marketed toward Young Adult or YA, I am afraid of the Big C.
CENSORSHIP.
"In the Air Tonight," hmmm...despite all claims of the YA world being open minded and shit, they are not. Swearing, sex, drugs and especially homosexuality is right the fuck out at a lot of 'em.
Well, Book 1 isn't so bad. Book 2, well...
...I dare not sign an agreement for more than the first book because I know what will happen...or I think will happen.
They will tell me that I have to change characters, change the relationships, the sexual whatever they find or it's not marketable.
SORRY, NO DICE.
My stories are NOT offensive; at least I don't think they are. I did my best to create the world I wanted to see, with some feet on the earth kind of thing. The characters are not perfect, because we're not. They make mistakes, they do and say dumb things, they err. We all do.
Believe me, these are good stories or I would not be typing like this right now. I have never felt so confident in my entire life about any fucking thing I have done. This includes 27 years in radio, many years in theatre, and what I've done musically. This is fucking it.
I am probably wrong in a lot of my assumptions. When you feel like this, it takes you down.
Now...all of this having been said...I am finding again a way to as we'd say in Moonsong, 'ground and center.'
"A Change is Gonna Come," Shannon McNally. Kind of a deep, resonant singer; Bonnie Raitt, and Lou Ann Barton are two voices I think of. It's good stuff.
Weird how those titles pop up. Alice's email tonight explained what she saw, and as usual she's brutally honest. I did face the issue, and I worked through it today, as I have. I know I have, and I have to keep doing it.
Most of what I fear is not going to occur, probably. I have to hope that the publisher that wants to see the manga will put that forward. That would be great; it would be excellent to give the book version of SDS-1 a push. It would grant credits to Riz for all her help, and get Jen a platform to show the world how talented she is. All down the road.
Bookwise, I've considered self-publishing. Vanity Press, they call it; that label has changed, though.
If you pay a company to print copies of your book, that's a VP. No editing, no promotion, no help but for your writing, and you're saddled with a thousand copies you have to hawk if you want your money back.
"Angel Eyes," Kenny Burrell...a guitarist I've always admired. Great stuff.
Vanity publishing is a dangerous thing. I've seen too many people sitting in bookstores with a table full of badly-produced books, smiling in the vain hope that someone comes to buy their stuff.
They usually leave with the same amount of books they came in with. Sad, but true.
What struck me (and I learned this) was that these folks didn't give talks about their works; they didn't read from them, they didn't take questions from a small audience. How else do you get the point across, and sell what you've got to sell? You may have a wonderful story; but if you don't present it, what have you got? Not much.
My friend Don Chase is on Amazon.com with a Kindle deal, of the kind that's talked about above. He does not get as many sales as Ms. Park, but he has done pretty well for an unknown author with just one title (I think) out. Don was also very kind with his advice and his time; he helped sound it all out for me.
I could do this, with other books I've written. I will think about it; not yet. The time is not yet right.
I need to be patient.
"Hold On Baby," old track from JJ Cale. Another real good one.
I must see how the manga publisher takes it. I feel good about it.
The others that are interested in book form; I will hold on, and see.
My contract with the agent runs into early 2013. I don't regret working with her; she's worked hard and I've had her back when others have questioned her skills, experience, even her competence and motives.
She has my back, I have hers. Fair is fair.
We'll see...more time is needed to think, and get the ideas in shape.
Tomorrow it could all be different.
Sometimes I feel like this:
This is the last segment of "Stephen Fry: the Secret Life of a Manic Depressive." It is an award-winning documentary on Bipolar Disorder; I am not bipolar, but I urge you to go to the beginning of this on Youtube and watch it.
It will explain so much.
The young woman in the image arrives at about the six-minute mark. Some of what she deals with I feel deeply. In fact, Stephen's own battle is well-chronicled here; and that of other public figures, and some not well known.
This video has helped me a lot; it has given a face to the terrible bouts of depression and what seems like madness.
I've written about this in my story Parasite Girls, and it pops up here and there throughout my writings. The clip catches Stephen in one of his up moods, and you see what others deal with. The girl above has it bad; not as bad as some, but I know the feelings all too well.
It is painful to watch at times, but one must.
Nearly lost this blog a while back. "We the People" by Guitar Shorty is on...
So yeah...here is where we are now. I again must pull back and not let these things tear me apart. Without the Zoloft, I am at times wracked by the stress and the insane feelings that should not matter but do. This is war.
I am optimistic that the manga publisher will like what will be proposed. I aim to have all the parts tomorrow night to send away to the agent and the publisher.
We shall see. Meanwhile, for now I must wait on the other. But I can lay groundwork for the other things I'm doing.
And trying to stop and look back, and forward too w/o expecting myself to perform miracles.
###
Other things...job hunting in the radio biz is never fun, especially of late. It's a dying industry it seems, but we are survivors. I have a bit of work Friday, a bit next week, and after that, who knows?
I have no specific prospects at this point; again, wait and see.
And try not to go too crazy with worry, or with sudden boundless optimism that takes away my better judgement.
This is how it is.
###
I end on sad notes...my friend Aimee Johnston is hospitalized after being hit by a car outside her home. She has suffered terrible injuries, and faces a long road of recovery.
Then even worse: my old high school class and bandmate, Brian St. Cyr was found dead on Sunday. We don't know for sure yet what happened; I suspect health issues, but I do not know.
I wish only good for them, and their spirits.
iTunes stuff...after bashing through "Girl Anachronism" by the Dresden Dolls (see previous post for the video), I couldn't bear to hear stuff from my old band, Ahltyrra. "Doctor Brown" by the Original Fleetwood Mac came up...knockoff of Sweet Home Chicago, pretty much.
Okay...we're hitting on five weeks. The past several days my lack of focus has led to me causing myself more issues than I had at the beginning, isn't that funny?
I'm generally clumsy when cleaning...I'll make more of a mess than when I started, and have to do that, too. Mindfulness training does not always work when your mind cycles, and you are trying to get things done, and you just plow into everything.
I'm glad for spellchecker...my fingers don't type well, even with years of training. I took typing before it was fashionable and necessary, and there were few boys in my typing classes, believe me.
Anyway, my fingers don't always adjust to my laptop here, and then they don't go back to the keyboard on my PC, either here or at work.
Crank these normal things up by about 100 times, and you know what I'm dealing with.
"Warboys," Queen/Paul Rodgers...this has been considered a horrid album, and Queen purists hate it. I do agree that while Freddie could sing some of those songs, some are not fitting with him. But Freddie's dead...the other guys have a right to do music, damn it. I think some of the songs are very good.
I managed to kill my PC; well, it was having its own issues, and I compounded the error by inserting the wrong reclamation disk. Guess what happened.
I got it back last night, not from the Geek Squad (losers) who left numerous things unplugged from the last time (NO WONDER MY HEADSET MIC DIDN'T WORK, AND I COULD NOT HEAR A FUCKING THING...THANKS, LOSERS!); there's a local chain that for very little money worked it up.
Of course, I tried to plow ahead and re-fix things that I wanted on there, to which nothing occurred right.
Alice is coming tomorrow to fix it up, and get it to run the way it should, so I can do my writing, my on-line stuff, and my new endeavor eventually.
Also have to hope we can save the iTunes. I'm running off my laptop account, which is not the same, thanks to the Cloud issues.
"Suspicion," by Asia. Arena rock time, folks!
My iPod has all the music uploaded that had once been on the PC...now, can we transfer it from the unit to the computer w/o losing it all and starting all over again?
The worst can happen...it often does. But that is a habit I must quit on.
The writing thing is also troubling me...I feel it very hard to trust certain people, where it is concerned.
To explain: the first book of the Sweet Dreams Series is being worked by my agent. There has been some interest, but no deals. Two publishers are looking at it, but I'm not sure what they think.
Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere came a request for the manga portion. Two point five years after approaching, they're back...well, I have had to again push my collaborators to provide me something.
I can't go into all that. Suffice to say, Jen has provided some pencil sketches that look quite interesting. There'll be more, plus my six-page proposal outlining the grand scheme.
Well, that is almost ready; a little more to add.
They want to see it, now.
A bit of "Karn Evil 9," from a live ELP recording of some 20 years ago. So we're getting this together...and here comes the paranoia.
This was sent to me by Alice: http://indiereader.com/2012/06/how-amazon-saved-my-life/
Very tempting, to just cut loose, but then I have the contract with my agent, the issues surrounding it, and the possibilities of all that could go wrong.
The mainspring inside me gets tight...real tight.
"Dirty Little Thing," Velvet Revolver. Yes! Feels just like that!
I see it all going to shit, even though I know this will not happen. I've not signed any rights away; no one has taken anything yet. AND THEY WILL NOT.
Here's the thing that pisses me off about traditional publishers. They, like record labels and TV execs, look for what fits a market. But they don't always know.
The author of the above, Jessica Park is right: WRITERS WRITE FOR THE READERS, NOT FOR A PUBLISHER.
You want another fucking knockoff of Twilight, do you? Just look at your slushpile; there must be a hundred of them there! Who cares if one of them sucks balls, the stupid people will buy them.
And they do.
Record labels sign their version of the NEXT BIG THING. Prepare for the onslaught of Justin Bieber/Carly Rae Jeppsen brats who can't fucking sing, but look cute.
I am not part of that. My stuff on the surface is not terribly difficult to digest, but if it is marketed toward Young Adult or YA, I am afraid of the Big C.
CENSORSHIP.
"In the Air Tonight," hmmm...despite all claims of the YA world being open minded and shit, they are not. Swearing, sex, drugs and especially homosexuality is right the fuck out at a lot of 'em.
Well, Book 1 isn't so bad. Book 2, well...
...I dare not sign an agreement for more than the first book because I know what will happen...or I think will happen.
They will tell me that I have to change characters, change the relationships, the sexual whatever they find or it's not marketable.
SORRY, NO DICE.
My stories are NOT offensive; at least I don't think they are. I did my best to create the world I wanted to see, with some feet on the earth kind of thing. The characters are not perfect, because we're not. They make mistakes, they do and say dumb things, they err. We all do.
Believe me, these are good stories or I would not be typing like this right now. I have never felt so confident in my entire life about any fucking thing I have done. This includes 27 years in radio, many years in theatre, and what I've done musically. This is fucking it.
I am probably wrong in a lot of my assumptions. When you feel like this, it takes you down.
Now...all of this having been said...I am finding again a way to as we'd say in Moonsong, 'ground and center.'
"A Change is Gonna Come," Shannon McNally. Kind of a deep, resonant singer; Bonnie Raitt, and Lou Ann Barton are two voices I think of. It's good stuff.
Weird how those titles pop up. Alice's email tonight explained what she saw, and as usual she's brutally honest. I did face the issue, and I worked through it today, as I have. I know I have, and I have to keep doing it.
Most of what I fear is not going to occur, probably. I have to hope that the publisher that wants to see the manga will put that forward. That would be great; it would be excellent to give the book version of SDS-1 a push. It would grant credits to Riz for all her help, and get Jen a platform to show the world how talented she is. All down the road.
Bookwise, I've considered self-publishing. Vanity Press, they call it; that label has changed, though.
If you pay a company to print copies of your book, that's a VP. No editing, no promotion, no help but for your writing, and you're saddled with a thousand copies you have to hawk if you want your money back.
"Angel Eyes," Kenny Burrell...a guitarist I've always admired. Great stuff.
Vanity publishing is a dangerous thing. I've seen too many people sitting in bookstores with a table full of badly-produced books, smiling in the vain hope that someone comes to buy their stuff.
They usually leave with the same amount of books they came in with. Sad, but true.
What struck me (and I learned this) was that these folks didn't give talks about their works; they didn't read from them, they didn't take questions from a small audience. How else do you get the point across, and sell what you've got to sell? You may have a wonderful story; but if you don't present it, what have you got? Not much.
My friend Don Chase is on Amazon.com with a Kindle deal, of the kind that's talked about above. He does not get as many sales as Ms. Park, but he has done pretty well for an unknown author with just one title (I think) out. Don was also very kind with his advice and his time; he helped sound it all out for me.
I could do this, with other books I've written. I will think about it; not yet. The time is not yet right.
I need to be patient.
"Hold On Baby," old track from JJ Cale. Another real good one.
I must see how the manga publisher takes it. I feel good about it.
The others that are interested in book form; I will hold on, and see.
My contract with the agent runs into early 2013. I don't regret working with her; she's worked hard and I've had her back when others have questioned her skills, experience, even her competence and motives.
She has my back, I have hers. Fair is fair.
We'll see...more time is needed to think, and get the ideas in shape.
Tomorrow it could all be different.
Sometimes I feel like this:
This is the last segment of "Stephen Fry: the Secret Life of a Manic Depressive." It is an award-winning documentary on Bipolar Disorder; I am not bipolar, but I urge you to go to the beginning of this on Youtube and watch it.
It will explain so much.
The young woman in the image arrives at about the six-minute mark. Some of what she deals with I feel deeply. In fact, Stephen's own battle is well-chronicled here; and that of other public figures, and some not well known.
This video has helped me a lot; it has given a face to the terrible bouts of depression and what seems like madness.
I've written about this in my story Parasite Girls, and it pops up here and there throughout my writings. The clip catches Stephen in one of his up moods, and you see what others deal with. The girl above has it bad; not as bad as some, but I know the feelings all too well.
It is painful to watch at times, but one must.
Nearly lost this blog a while back. "We the People" by Guitar Shorty is on...
So yeah...here is where we are now. I again must pull back and not let these things tear me apart. Without the Zoloft, I am at times wracked by the stress and the insane feelings that should not matter but do. This is war.
I am optimistic that the manga publisher will like what will be proposed. I aim to have all the parts tomorrow night to send away to the agent and the publisher.
We shall see. Meanwhile, for now I must wait on the other. But I can lay groundwork for the other things I'm doing.
And trying to stop and look back, and forward too w/o expecting myself to perform miracles.
###
Other things...job hunting in the radio biz is never fun, especially of late. It's a dying industry it seems, but we are survivors. I have a bit of work Friday, a bit next week, and after that, who knows?
I have no specific prospects at this point; again, wait and see.
And try not to go too crazy with worry, or with sudden boundless optimism that takes away my better judgement.
This is how it is.
###
I end on sad notes...my friend Aimee Johnston is hospitalized after being hit by a car outside her home. She has suffered terrible injuries, and faces a long road of recovery.
Then even worse: my old high school class and bandmate, Brian St. Cyr was found dead on Sunday. We don't know for sure yet what happened; I suspect health issues, but I do not know.
I wish only good for them, and their spirits.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
11 Days Out, and Stuff Reconsidered
Well, here I am coming onto the tail end of several days of actual work. So much to update on and actually think about.
The playlist CD on the Office deck (one of the older Offices, not my favorite now) is pretty bad so it's iTunes time. "Show Me" by Ronnie Wood is playing; I have two versions of this; another by Johnny Winter. This one's good; sometimes I wonder about Ron's choice of song material for his solo stuff, but it's alright.
Anyway..."Gonna Try" from Big Audio Dynamite is next...okay...
Well, I am now something like 11 days out from taking my anti-depressants. It had been suggested (strongly) to me that 12 years of being on Zoloft (even a small dose) is not a good thing, and that it may have compressed more than just my maniacal and self-destructive ways.
Before Zoloft, I can tell you my depression was a fucking rollercoaster ride, and not one that was any fun. I am not lying when I tell you that I have had four major depressive periods in my life when suicide was a way out that seriously considered, and at one point even planned.
It's that fucking bad. Anyway...the stuff has been good for me, and I'm not saying that because the drug companies are giving me money, though I think they should. It acted as a compressor; my highs and lows were cut out, and I lived within the space remaining.
It worked well; for the better part of those 12 years, I was stable, much more calm, and more effective at a lot of things. My anxiety issues last year just led my doctor to double my dose.
I trusted her judgement.
"Pick Up the Peace," the Who...Now I'm in deeper...hmmm...
Well, that worked in the short-term, because it cooled things down, but then I felt a terrible loss of energy. Too much. Not fucking good.
So I finally just decided to go off it; cold turkey is the only way I quit smoking, so I had little choice I felt.
"Spade," the BPA w/Martha Wainwright...weird song.
The comedown has not been too bad...some peaks and valleys to it, some moments of mild panic, but nothing I could not recognize and figure out. My friend Dawn has tipped to a supplement, which I don't have with me, so I can't tell you all that's in it. But I think it might be better than that other stuff.
If ever you get a chance, watch Stephen Fry's documentary, "The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive." It will blow your mind. I am not bipolar or manic, but I have some of the traits. I saw myself in a lot of that, and also I'm quite glad I did not have the terrible flight off the cliff that some have (like one mentioned in there)...it ain't fun.
Will this change my being? Probably; but I just can't say whether it will be good or not. I would, as Richard Dreyfus said in the doc. about Lithium, that he's just about "not taking it."
I need to be that way with the Big Z. I'd like to just about not be using the stuff...if ever again. It's like bumming a smoke every now and again from my bass player Dan, but not buying and sucking 'em down every couple hours or whatever.
"Warm Regards," Steve Vai...from Fire Garden.
Musicwise, it's been considered that I might be a better player if I'm off the stuff. Don't know about that, yet. I do feel a little more creative on the fretboard than I have been at writing lyrics.
The Dharma Fools musical direction is changing a little; Dan and I still write on occasion and work on ideas, but we need a full band again. Finding people interested has been surprisingly hard.
Well...in terms of other related things, I have to wonder if my deeper plunges into my psyche are going to bear any fruit. At least in the short-term. The long-term is more my interest right now.
My mind issues also are again traveling back in time to my earlier life; I have specific thoughts about when my life took a turn. I often say this, with no joke; the last time I felt happy, was when I was about eleven.
"Snowblind," Black Sabbath. No I've never been that, but I would not have been surprised if I went that way.
My life changed radically before that, several years before only I didn't know that. Then at the appointed age, I went out of being a kid and into adolescence with no clue of much of anything. I had no idea what was going on, and why my life became episodes of bad choices, ill-advised mistakes and an inability to recognize what was before me.
Gets better as you get older; you slow down more, and you become more circumspect (is that the right word?); with that comes more things.
With the brain, comes the body, but usually that goes first. The body they say, is something you first repair, and the mind will follow that. Well, I'm in better physical shape than I have been in many years. I really do feel great; but my knees continue to trouble me. Pain from the left one especially; not enough to consider meds or anything, but I wonder what else is happening there.
And considering my health insurance sucks balls, well...can't do much but wear my brace and keep it stretched.
Here's a question for you: when do you think your childhood ended? Or...did you ever have one?
**Think about that**
I know I did, and some of it was good. Then I lost my youth, but there were occasional spots where the fog lifted and I could be a kid again. Not many, though.
A lot of people I know well, I don't think, ever really were kids. We were under adverse circumstances, many of us; I wonder if we sometimes act as we do as adults because we didn't have a childhood.
"Jubilee Train," the Blasters. Not a bad song, but I don't particularly care for this one. Do admit Dave Alvin's guitar licks are slippery good.
Anyway...it's really interesting to see some people still behaving like they're 16, or 18 or 21...for life. No matter how old they get, they still act like they're forever young and never will die.
There also is the emotional aspect of those who never grow up. Look at the public figures of people who act like they're stuck in junior high school; they never change, never grow up, and still act like insufferable brats.
Something stopped their growth. Heavy stuff; abuse, drug use, alcoholism, fuck know what else. I wonder when I stopped.
Axl Rose is quoted as saying that he stopped developing at the age of two, because of what he believes was sexual abuse at the hands of his father. Paraphrasing, he said, "When people say Axl is a screaming two-year-old, they're right."
That's scary.
"Open Your Eyes," Bottle Rockets.
There's nothing that says you can't grow yourself; most of us don't.
I know that things are changing in my life, but I'm damned if I do know where they will go.
Now, here's a thing...as a Buddhist and a Wiccan, Joy is an important matter. Now, what is that?
What is Joy? To you; you know the things that give you real joy, not just fleeting happiness.
I remember reading somewhere about letting oneself enjoy oneself. Life does not have to be work; you can do some stuff, small stuff that gives you joy in the moment, and if you keep it, you can carry on with any fucking thing you want.
The important matter is: YOU must decide what these things are, YOURSELF.
Do not let a spouse, a parent, a girlfriend, a preacher or whomever do it. They might be able to suggest something, but you must make the decision on that.
"Wolf Dance," Ronnie Earl & the Broadcasters. Now we're talking...deep blues...nice stuff.
So yeah...we all have stuff in our closets that need to come out, and I hope to do that on Mem. Day.
That day does not always resonate for me the way it does most others. I have personal reasons why that's not a good day, but that is something I'm putting in the past and saying, fuck it.
Now, how about the work thing...I will have had ten or eleven straight days of work, which is the first I've had in a long, long time. My sleep patterns were fucked, getting up at 1:30 in the am for a lot of it, but I could do that shift without much difficulty. I did overnights for many years, and the night owl thing does have its value.
Still job hunting, and to be honest not liking the look of the market. It has still got some opportunities out there, but I don't like where many of them are. If I have to move, that might be a new experience, one I've studiously avoided.
Now...the writing thing. "Time the Healer" got a week off, and I returned to editing yesterday. More ideas and additions; this is going to be a long process and a long job to get it right but I can live with that.
I need to keep pushing the others to get stuff done, because we need to go forward.
Move forward, that's all there is to it, really. I recently discussed with a friend about how she felt she never was a kid. A lot of us at our age feel our live is half over, or just plain over.
I don't believe that. I'm 46 years old, pushing 47. Now that I've made some physical changes, I don't feel like an old man any more. I'm not a kid, sure; I don't act like a 19-year-old college partier, those days are long gone. I'm still alive, and I feel about like I should at this age. Not going soft, neither am I becoming conservative or boring or stupid in my "old age."
My development is a work in progress; none of us are perfect, though to hear preachers and politicians say it, you'd think they were. And we're supposed to hew to that? I think not.
We all have to keep learning, keep growing; if we don't we die and we're a shell. I see so many people like that, and I hate seeing it. I hate seeing people give up, and act like it's over, or that they're fine the way they are and don't have to change a thing, because that's scary.
"The Valley of Unrest." Lou Reed's The Raven...I do not remember the name of the woman who does the reading, but it's pretty cool.
So I have more to do...I will write on, and I'll play music, and I'll stay in this crazy radio business, because these are the things I want to do, and am meant to.
I made this last night...it's pretty funny.
"I HEAR THE BELLS, I HAVE KEPT MY VIGILANCE, RAIN DANCING IN THE RHYTHM OF THE SHOWER, OVER WHAT GUILTY SPIRIT DO NOT HEAR THE BEATING, DO NOT HEAR THE BEATING HEART..."
I know, that's bloody pretentious, and I don't think Poe actually wrote it like that...or did he?
"Texas," Mike Stern is next...so, yeah, look at that little graphic up there. I made this last night, mostly as a joke, but now if you really look at it, that's my life. At least one part of it.
I didn't realize what I had made until I took a close look at it. The world is open to me...as it is to every fucking one of us.
WE Rule OUR World; fuck, yes we do.
I am aware that some people will never approve of me. Some will never understand why I do the things I do, and why I don't do this, why I won't do that, why, why, why, fucking why. Or why not.
Speaking of living in boxes: I strongly deny that I live in one, though I've been accused of it. I just do things the way I do them; sure, I do need to change it up now and again, but one must be reasonably practical about a bunch of this.
We do what we have to; but sometimes we don't even do what we want, because we think we can't.
Look at all the crazy shit I've written and done over the years; it's waiting to be read and heard, and it will happen. I just would like to be alive long enough to enjoy some of the reactions people will have. That would be my joy, more than anything else.
OK...I have shit to do...enjoy your weekend, and find some joy in it.
The playlist CD on the Office deck (one of the older Offices, not my favorite now) is pretty bad so it's iTunes time. "Show Me" by Ronnie Wood is playing; I have two versions of this; another by Johnny Winter. This one's good; sometimes I wonder about Ron's choice of song material for his solo stuff, but it's alright.
Anyway..."Gonna Try" from Big Audio Dynamite is next...okay...
Well, I am now something like 11 days out from taking my anti-depressants. It had been suggested (strongly) to me that 12 years of being on Zoloft (even a small dose) is not a good thing, and that it may have compressed more than just my maniacal and self-destructive ways.
Before Zoloft, I can tell you my depression was a fucking rollercoaster ride, and not one that was any fun. I am not lying when I tell you that I have had four major depressive periods in my life when suicide was a way out that seriously considered, and at one point even planned.
It's that fucking bad. Anyway...the stuff has been good for me, and I'm not saying that because the drug companies are giving me money, though I think they should. It acted as a compressor; my highs and lows were cut out, and I lived within the space remaining.
It worked well; for the better part of those 12 years, I was stable, much more calm, and more effective at a lot of things. My anxiety issues last year just led my doctor to double my dose.
I trusted her judgement.
"Pick Up the Peace," the Who...Now I'm in deeper...hmmm...
Well, that worked in the short-term, because it cooled things down, but then I felt a terrible loss of energy. Too much. Not fucking good.
So I finally just decided to go off it; cold turkey is the only way I quit smoking, so I had little choice I felt.
"Spade," the BPA w/Martha Wainwright...weird song.
The comedown has not been too bad...some peaks and valleys to it, some moments of mild panic, but nothing I could not recognize and figure out. My friend Dawn has tipped to a supplement, which I don't have with me, so I can't tell you all that's in it. But I think it might be better than that other stuff.
If ever you get a chance, watch Stephen Fry's documentary, "The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive." It will blow your mind. I am not bipolar or manic, but I have some of the traits. I saw myself in a lot of that, and also I'm quite glad I did not have the terrible flight off the cliff that some have (like one mentioned in there)...it ain't fun.
Will this change my being? Probably; but I just can't say whether it will be good or not. I would, as Richard Dreyfus said in the doc. about Lithium, that he's just about "not taking it."
I need to be that way with the Big Z. I'd like to just about not be using the stuff...if ever again. It's like bumming a smoke every now and again from my bass player Dan, but not buying and sucking 'em down every couple hours or whatever.
"Warm Regards," Steve Vai...from Fire Garden.
Musicwise, it's been considered that I might be a better player if I'm off the stuff. Don't know about that, yet. I do feel a little more creative on the fretboard than I have been at writing lyrics.
The Dharma Fools musical direction is changing a little; Dan and I still write on occasion and work on ideas, but we need a full band again. Finding people interested has been surprisingly hard.
Well...in terms of other related things, I have to wonder if my deeper plunges into my psyche are going to bear any fruit. At least in the short-term. The long-term is more my interest right now.
My mind issues also are again traveling back in time to my earlier life; I have specific thoughts about when my life took a turn. I often say this, with no joke; the last time I felt happy, was when I was about eleven.
"Snowblind," Black Sabbath. No I've never been that, but I would not have been surprised if I went that way.
My life changed radically before that, several years before only I didn't know that. Then at the appointed age, I went out of being a kid and into adolescence with no clue of much of anything. I had no idea what was going on, and why my life became episodes of bad choices, ill-advised mistakes and an inability to recognize what was before me.
Gets better as you get older; you slow down more, and you become more circumspect (is that the right word?); with that comes more things.
With the brain, comes the body, but usually that goes first. The body they say, is something you first repair, and the mind will follow that. Well, I'm in better physical shape than I have been in many years. I really do feel great; but my knees continue to trouble me. Pain from the left one especially; not enough to consider meds or anything, but I wonder what else is happening there.
And considering my health insurance sucks balls, well...can't do much but wear my brace and keep it stretched.
Here's a question for you: when do you think your childhood ended? Or...did you ever have one?
**Think about that**
I know I did, and some of it was good. Then I lost my youth, but there were occasional spots where the fog lifted and I could be a kid again. Not many, though.
A lot of people I know well, I don't think, ever really were kids. We were under adverse circumstances, many of us; I wonder if we sometimes act as we do as adults because we didn't have a childhood.
"Jubilee Train," the Blasters. Not a bad song, but I don't particularly care for this one. Do admit Dave Alvin's guitar licks are slippery good.
Anyway...it's really interesting to see some people still behaving like they're 16, or 18 or 21...for life. No matter how old they get, they still act like they're forever young and never will die.
There also is the emotional aspect of those who never grow up. Look at the public figures of people who act like they're stuck in junior high school; they never change, never grow up, and still act like insufferable brats.
Something stopped their growth. Heavy stuff; abuse, drug use, alcoholism, fuck know what else. I wonder when I stopped.
Axl Rose is quoted as saying that he stopped developing at the age of two, because of what he believes was sexual abuse at the hands of his father. Paraphrasing, he said, "When people say Axl is a screaming two-year-old, they're right."
That's scary.
"Open Your Eyes," Bottle Rockets.
There's nothing that says you can't grow yourself; most of us don't.
I know that things are changing in my life, but I'm damned if I do know where they will go.
Now, here's a thing...as a Buddhist and a Wiccan, Joy is an important matter. Now, what is that?
What is Joy? To you; you know the things that give you real joy, not just fleeting happiness.
I remember reading somewhere about letting oneself enjoy oneself. Life does not have to be work; you can do some stuff, small stuff that gives you joy in the moment, and if you keep it, you can carry on with any fucking thing you want.
The important matter is: YOU must decide what these things are, YOURSELF.
Do not let a spouse, a parent, a girlfriend, a preacher or whomever do it. They might be able to suggest something, but you must make the decision on that.
"Wolf Dance," Ronnie Earl & the Broadcasters. Now we're talking...deep blues...nice stuff.
So yeah...we all have stuff in our closets that need to come out, and I hope to do that on Mem. Day.
That day does not always resonate for me the way it does most others. I have personal reasons why that's not a good day, but that is something I'm putting in the past and saying, fuck it.
Now, how about the work thing...I will have had ten or eleven straight days of work, which is the first I've had in a long, long time. My sleep patterns were fucked, getting up at 1:30 in the am for a lot of it, but I could do that shift without much difficulty. I did overnights for many years, and the night owl thing does have its value.
Still job hunting, and to be honest not liking the look of the market. It has still got some opportunities out there, but I don't like where many of them are. If I have to move, that might be a new experience, one I've studiously avoided.
Now...the writing thing. "Time the Healer" got a week off, and I returned to editing yesterday. More ideas and additions; this is going to be a long process and a long job to get it right but I can live with that.
I need to keep pushing the others to get stuff done, because we need to go forward.
Move forward, that's all there is to it, really. I recently discussed with a friend about how she felt she never was a kid. A lot of us at our age feel our live is half over, or just plain over.
I don't believe that. I'm 46 years old, pushing 47. Now that I've made some physical changes, I don't feel like an old man any more. I'm not a kid, sure; I don't act like a 19-year-old college partier, those days are long gone. I'm still alive, and I feel about like I should at this age. Not going soft, neither am I becoming conservative or boring or stupid in my "old age."
My development is a work in progress; none of us are perfect, though to hear preachers and politicians say it, you'd think they were. And we're supposed to hew to that? I think not.
We all have to keep learning, keep growing; if we don't we die and we're a shell. I see so many people like that, and I hate seeing it. I hate seeing people give up, and act like it's over, or that they're fine the way they are and don't have to change a thing, because that's scary.
"The Valley of Unrest." Lou Reed's The Raven...I do not remember the name of the woman who does the reading, but it's pretty cool.
So I have more to do...I will write on, and I'll play music, and I'll stay in this crazy radio business, because these are the things I want to do, and am meant to.
I made this last night...it's pretty funny.
"I HEAR THE BELLS, I HAVE KEPT MY VIGILANCE, RAIN DANCING IN THE RHYTHM OF THE SHOWER, OVER WHAT GUILTY SPIRIT DO NOT HEAR THE BEATING, DO NOT HEAR THE BEATING HEART..."
I know, that's bloody pretentious, and I don't think Poe actually wrote it like that...or did he?
"Texas," Mike Stern is next...so, yeah, look at that little graphic up there. I made this last night, mostly as a joke, but now if you really look at it, that's my life. At least one part of it.
I didn't realize what I had made until I took a close look at it. The world is open to me...as it is to every fucking one of us.
WE Rule OUR World; fuck, yes we do.
I am aware that some people will never approve of me. Some will never understand why I do the things I do, and why I don't do this, why I won't do that, why, why, why, fucking why. Or why not.
Speaking of living in boxes: I strongly deny that I live in one, though I've been accused of it. I just do things the way I do them; sure, I do need to change it up now and again, but one must be reasonably practical about a bunch of this.
We do what we have to; but sometimes we don't even do what we want, because we think we can't.
Look at all the crazy shit I've written and done over the years; it's waiting to be read and heard, and it will happen. I just would like to be alive long enough to enjoy some of the reactions people will have. That would be my joy, more than anything else.
OK...I have shit to do...enjoy your weekend, and find some joy in it.
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