The official blog of Brown Posey Press Author, Radio PA Network anchor, Blog Talk Radio host, and more than occasional problem causer, Tory Gates. Welcome, share and enjoy...hopefully ye shall be left to think.
Well, it has been about an hour since I finished watching my DVD copy of "One Track Heart: the Story of Krishna Das." I feel a very strong sense of calm after viewing and listening to his life story, and told in just over 70 minutes. I am not writing to do a critique of the film, and I am not going to fall over myself in the greatness that is, etc. There's no need.
Here is the trailer...the story of one man who traveled to India and was not planning to come back. A guy whose old band went on to become Blue Oyster Cult. The one who bonded with a guru who didn't want anything but love, because that is what he gave back. You might have seen Krishna Das' performance at the Grammy Awards. You might have been amused, confused, even bored. The sound wasn't good. Also...calling him a "New Age Rock Star" is bullshit. KD does address this issue in the film, as he addresses his depression, his drug abuse, and a whole lot more. You see a few people you might recognize, and you see in the concert footage something very few ever get to experience. I have not yet; I hope to. Connection.
KD talks about it...he is not singing to anyone but his guru, not to you, me or even himself. It is, as is noted an intimate conversation we are being allowed to listen in on. I dabble in spiritual things, and I admit it. Buddhism, Wicca and the Indian devotionals, the music known as Kirtan. I mediate to kirtan, among other things, I work out to it, and I don't just listen. I try to let myself go there. I took one of the traditional chants, "Baba Hanuman" and added my own words to it after watching a documentary. "All One" became one of the simplest songs I've ever written. In my old band Ahltyrra, it was one of our most requested songs. There was something about getting everyone on that wavelength, for the six minutes that piece lasts. Sometimes you reach it, sometimes not, but the fact you tried to let yourself go was a big thing. I saw two old friends today, while traveling about to find a place that would let me use my wifi capability, haha...never found it, and I suppose that was meant because I'd never had gotten to where I did. My former Zen Master, who I was saddened to see having some health problems. As ever, he remained optimistic and went with it. "Part of the process," he said. True. Then right after my friend Dharma arrived. Yes, that is her Pagan name. I'd not seen her since sharing the pool at the gym some two years ago. We got caught up, and I started to see some clarity for other things. In his book, "Chants of a Lifetime," Krishna Das has a chapter called, "The Movie of Me." In the film, I saw some more: it's not about us, it is more about what we do and why we do it. He also said one of the biggest obstacles in his own life was to get out of his own way. I have to do the same. Why do I remain in a dying industry? Why do I play music? Moreover, why do I write these books, one of which I'm finally putting out? Hardly for the money! Would be nice, but not a necessary thing. Just enough would do. Either way, I do these things because I love doing them. Some more than others. My lesson is to get out of my own way, and continue to answer the question of why am I doing this. We let things get in our way, and that becomes the obstacle. We are our own obstacle. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with the years I have left. I have to make a living, until we figure out how to live without money. I especially do things, but to write, it is what I enjoy and love doing. I hope that the stories I write get out there, that people are at the very least entertained just a little bit by them. If not, fine. But I hope they're good enough that people like them, refer to them, think about them, and also see what the characters see: a lot of my characters are unusual, and seem a little extreme at times. Or they're just there. Well, there's a reason for that. Each person is extreme, non-extreme, or just there. We all are. I hope to live long enough to see these things come to pass, where people find characters they like and identify with, and then see what they go through. Not much different than you or me...if they can move forward, so can we. My aim now is to get out of my own way, and let these things occur as they are meant. I'll do what I have to, but beyond that, there is not much else to say but...let us connect. I reach for that connection when I write, perform, and even open the mic. Not for me, not anymore...I'm just a go-between. Krishna Das is the vessel...the guru is poured in, or from the other end, you are poured in. One way or the other, there's a meeting there, and a message. I'll get out of the way now, and see where it goes. Here's a better version of what they did...if you can't get the vibe of this, I don't know what will do it:
Hello once again...long time, no blog! I have been away from the blogosphere for some time, because honestly my work has taken up my writing/thinking time. At times, I'll get the urge to blog away about stuff, but now I can offer you some updates to my projects, and an idea that I have. I want to know what you think... First of all: "Parasite Girls" is on course for release later this year. We have had to push back the date for a couple of reasons. I decided to change where the book will be released...we will go with Smashwords, because of accessible possibilities in the eBook world, and also because...timely payment. Until we find a way to live w/o money, that's how it goes. Second, my cover artist is at WorldCon. He has a showing of his works, and I get that. When he returns, we'll see what we have and roll with it from there. So the book is in effect ready to go, once we get the cover and fix a few other legal things. Now: SHAMELESS PLUG #1 http://www.behance.net/torygates The Behance site has been really useful and I like it a lot. Graphic artists mostly use this site, but it's working for me. Here, you will find two excerpts of "Parasite Girls," plus bits of "The Drifters" and "Time the Healer." My radio "Air Check" is here, at the "Radio Tracks" link. So you can hear what I've been doing and sounding like of late. Atop this, demos of the Dharma Fools, and home recordings of my work. This is where things have become a huge stretch for my skill. Writing songs for the stories, rather than using others. I have to break myself of it, and I am writing and composing in that vein. More and more, the followup to "PG" will be "The Drifters: Tales of the Southern Cross." Two demos are here of songs that will make their way into the storyline, and I hope you find them interesting despite their quality. Bunch of my Pro Tools stuff is obsolete or only accessible when I was at school. I don't have the money for new "toys" or upgrades right now, but what I have in the toolbox works pretty damned well, I'd say. So far, that appears to be the order...now one of the reasons I'm writing for the stories is the permissions and mechanical licenses required for using other people's lyrics, etc., can be time consuming and expensive. I will have to do it for some songs, but others I'll have to rewrite and fix. Another stretch and challenge for my skills. Needed too, I'll admit. I did get a very nice, "Yes" from Amanda Palmer. Through her people, I explained that "Time the Healer" involves a character who is a big fan of her music, and some of her songs just fit into a personal, and unusual individual. It helped drive the story. Well, she (and her people) said it is okay! Thank you! (Bows) Will not be for a year or more that the story comes out, but it will be better by that time. So now, I'm thinking of a book release party. My friend Jim Henry did one recently for his new tome of wit & wisdom via Facebook. I then thought about a step further, and after hearing the radio commercials for years, I realized I might have a way to engage my audience for "Parasite Girls." I wonder if anyone has experience with Gotomeeting.com -- I think I might give that a shot. The idea I have had for a book, any book is to present it and give people a reason to buy it, if they are not sure, or do not know what they're getting. Selected readings of passages from the book...questions from the live audience, and also from those who message me perhaps via Facebook. One of my songs is in the story, and the DF's perform it, so we could do that live as well, perhaps during the read of that chapter. We'll put up the link for everyone to see where they can buy the book, and as I say, questions! I will gladly take them, and talk about the story, what else I'm doing. I think this might be a good way to engage the audience, even if they only stay for a few minutes, they realize this is more than just a dry eBook lost in the shuffle of millions. What do YOU think? An idea whose time has come? Have you tried this before? Love to know your opinions on that. I have time to think about it, and I have time to consider how it would work. But I need someone with said experience. So we'll see...so far a few people like the idea. So there is that...now: SHAMELESS PLUG #2 https://www.facebook.com/ToryGatesMedia?ref=hl A reminder that here on Facebook is the hub for all my stuff, music, writings, meanderings, and the links that jump you to Behance.net. OK? Now, SHAMELESS PLUG #3 https://www.facebook.com/events/339757462824950/ The Dharma Fools will play here at ALCHEMY FOR THE EARTH. This takes place on September 21st and 22nd, at Fairy Fresh Farm in Finksburg, MD. Native American, Pagan and other tracks of spirituality will be here to share, there will be drum circles, and music! The DF's play on Saturday, at 2 pm. We'll do an hour, and then my bassist Dan Shearer's other project Moxy & Mayhem take the stage at 4. It's gonna be a fine time, and I hope you'll get out to see something unique. We're excited, clearly so we hope we can do the same and stimulate that. So if you're in the MD area, or outside of it, give it a look. ### Now...I have a lot to do, so that's life as I know it at this point! Let me know what you think about things! Peace, Out.
Let's begin shall we, with a little Metallica interlude:
I have had a big, giant moment like this. I am in the position of feeling that I am being jerked around by people who think they know my business. Just so they know, they do NOT. If you do something for the right reasons, you know it. You feel it, and you are doing it because you want to and know there is something behind the project. In just about everything I've done in my life, and I am sure this has happened to you: you do whatever you do, and there will always be people to comment on it. Oftentimes you get positive feedback; even if not positive, it's given in a positive manner. You must be open to that, and I try to be. It gets better as you get older. Then, you have those who (even if they do mean well) love to tell you what you should be doing, and how you should do it. It's like they are enlightened beings and know-it-all's who have decided they are going to dictate to you what you do and how you do it. Everything that went before, from your own hands, is shit. That's how I process some of it. Not all of it, but some of it. You are wrong...you are wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong. Your work is not good enough; your writing is not strong enough, your music is not good enough like this. Nothing is ever good enough. It has been difficult enough in my life to gain a positive attitude about my work, without people coming along and spouting off about how great they are, in relation to you, and how YOU need to get with their program. I don't fucking think so. My band the Dharma Fools seemed to be going along pretty decently. Then we lost one of the original members, and one of my best friends. We became what we were not meant to be; we turned into a creature that feeds on its own people. This is NOT why we made music. This is NOT why we do it. We lost the plot; or rather, I lost the plot, by allowing our focus to not be on the music the way we were meant to do it. Instead, we have become the thing we warned ourselves about. Music for me has been my diversion from the other things I do and write about. Oh, of course I still have to hear about that, too! Nothing's ever quite right enough, is it? Nothing's ever COMMERCIAL ENOUGH, is it? I once joked that the reason my writing has not yet been published: there are no vampires or zombies in there. But I digress.
The essence of Ahltyrra, and later the Dharma Fools has been lost. It probably was lost when the former split up. We forgot why we came together, we forgot why we play music, and we forgot why we create it. Too many people, and I'm not saying it is wrong, but...their drives are not about engaging an audience, getting them involved and drawn in. It's about all the other things that we are not about. I enjoy playing music, but I have not been comfortable performing the way things are. I'm just not. I do not feel right. I don't sound right, and there's too much swirling around me which makes this whole thing untenable. An old friend said you may need to clear the board. That's why I am standing back. No one is getting fired. No one is getting thrown under the bus. But I feel the band, if it is to exist, will need to be cut back to those who are the focal point. The rest are welcome and will be; but this thing got out of control, and that is my doing. I own it. I've spent a long time trying to figure out what was wrong, what was missing, and what didn't work. It's nagged me for weeks, and I realize the way things are just does not work. I have to be comfortable onstage, and in my skin before I can really do that job. We've been pushed, prodded, and nudged in too many directions, sometimes all at once. Why do I also feel we're not supposed to think a little about us, but someone else's timetable? When you jerk a dog's chain too many times, he's gonna snap. I've snapped. I don't want to bite anyone's head off, though. My song, "Black Ambition" has become the point... "Are you doing this for money Are you doing it for fun Do you have another motive Or are your races already run?" I ask that question of others. I'm sure people are gonna take this wrong, but if they don't want to think about it, and ask questions, then it does not matter. Nothing in that context matters, when people have agendas and their own stuff to push. Go ahead; push it all you want, I'm not stopping you. JUST DON'T PUSH IT ON ME. One member of my band got shit from people who had the temerity (or stupidity, depending on how you look at it) to criticize things that don't fucking matter. Not my place to explain the details, and I won't. Just a snapshot of the bigger picture. What the fuck happened to people playing music the way they wanted to do it, and have others judge it on its own merits, without dissecting it to death? I see the former at Open Mics; but why on Earth when it comes to us, that this somehow is just not good enough? I honestly appreciate it when someone tells me they like something we did; I can tell when people mean it. I can also tell when they're lying. I'd rather you told me you didn't like something, and why, rather than blow smoke. When you hear us, this is what you get. It's not perfect, but nothing ever is. You get people who love music, who work on it, and who play it because they enjoy doing it. I am not a great musician. I call myself passable for what I do, and it works for me. I don't go out there and perform anymore for reasons that to me are juvenile. It's not for ego. It's not to get laid. It's not to make our dicks bigger or whatever. We enjoy it. If you like it, great. If not, that's okay too. No problem. Just remember, if you are a musician or a fan or a hanger-on: what you see and hear is what you get. Embrace it, and enjoy it for what it is. I love sitting at these events and just watching and listening to others do their stuff. Sometimes I admit what I hear is not for me, but that is just my view. I'm not going to go tell them how wrong they are, because they are NOT wrong. Then there are people I can watch and hear all night, because they got my attention on the merits of what they offered. Nothing more. My feeling on the Dharma Fools is this: if I am to continue (and bear in mind, that Real Life may take me out of the band anyway), it needs to be stripped down again. The hot rod needs an overhaul, a tweaking here and there and some changes. Then maybe it'll race again. That is all.
The first Dresden Dolls album is coursing through my brain at a non-syncopated gait this morning. I have again crawled from the wreckage of last night, and I'll probably end up working backwards on this missive to the universe. I have caught my first cold in like three or four years. Being vegetarian does that...since going meatless back in 2001, really, I've rarely been sick. It's not a bad one, either; no real symptoms, but that it goes straight for the throat. Doesn't hurt, but it feels like I fronted a Screamo band. That's the least of my worries. Well, good things to start with: the Dharma Fools returned to the stage last night for the first time in over a year. http://www.reverbnation.com/thedharmafools?profile_view_source=header_icon_nav Our new page is there, recent video and some old tracks. Got a nice "love it" from a musician named Tim Caudill last night...thanks, Tim! Yeah, last night...slightly new lineup. Those who know of the history of The Band Formerly Known As Ahltyrra know that the Dharma Fools were to be a side project, and they became the project. From the original lineup is myself, Dan Shearer and Merryiad. Jim Hooker has joined us on harp, vocals and djembe; the former he mostly does and Jim brought us a wonderful djembe player named Mari up to Harrisburg for the event. A fixture in Harrisburg's music scene is the Harrisburg Midtown Arts Center, or HMAC. Wednesday night's Open Mic Night, hosted by Mike Banks. He opened up with more of his blazing acoustic guitar pyro action, and an amazing voice that can do Leon Redbone stuff, and then with a more conventional, but exceptional voice. Great guy, and we appreciate his support. Well, wouldn't you know? We had to follow his blazing set! But we've done it before. The set list: Black Ambition (one of mine, an Ahltyrra standby and opener) Keep on Truckin' (the product of Dan's grooving bass line, Jim's harp and words I quickly brought together)...smoked for not playing it ever. Dead Flowers (yeah, we had to) Got an awesome hand, thank you all for doing that! Some old friends and fans turned up, and a couple of my radio friends turned up as well. Wonderful time...we still got it. Dunno what's next, but we'll keep at it. Hopefully I'll have some new rehearsal or live tracks up on the ReverbNation site. Good work last night by a lot of artists...Piano & Cocktail Murders (I think that's the right name), Cameron Malloy, Yellow Day, and Octavia all did great...the latter is a blues lady, find her music!!! Doing some TV work this week for WITF...nice to get a chance to do some behind the scenes work, and I'm not averse to much of anything right about now. NEXT...Radio-Airwaves is back on the air! http://radio-airwaves.co.uk/index.html I return to the air tonight at 11 pm Eastern time, as DJ Riff. Got a bunch of new tracks to thrown down for you...some odd, some obscure, and some local stuff. I was in New England last week. Business and pleasure it all turned out to be. Spent a few days in Maine with family, which was fun. Also zoomed up the Midcoast to see my former boss and owner of a couple of interesting little stations. Turned out I had a job interview with a start-up AM. Radio 9 WCME, on 900 AM in Brunswick has been an odd little station with a long past. The new owner is a radio pro who has been making things happen on his own pace, and I had a nice chat. Not much there right now, but worth staying in touch with the gentleman. Also saw my old XM Radio friend Joe in Portland, and ran into another of his regular buddies, a good time. Very good indeed. Boston for two days...saw my old friend TJ Welch from Saint Joe's days. The one year he was there shaped my musical vision in a big way. He was the host of "Sonic Lobotomy," a punk show that for that one year defined a lot of things for me. He introduced me to Dead Kennedys. TJ's band The Welch Boys will support DK's in Cambridge, MA and in NYC and Washington this month. Great to see him again, and I sold him a Telecaster. A wonderful time, I must say. Spent a couple days at my friend Riz's house, and then it was back down here for the action. Okay...writing time. I have not written or edited much lately. But I'm coming up with ideas again. Right now, I have to get "Parasite Girls" re-read as a book and ready for the self-publishing steps. My agent, Jeanie Loiacono has left Sullivan-Maxx and is forging ahead on her own. LLA will be out of Irving, TX and I will likely re-up with her. Jeanie has been kicking open doors and I feel she can help with the Sweet Dreams Series and get this into the hands it must go to. It is that big to me, that some kind of help is required. The SDS is the best thing I've ever written; it must get out there. Now...not to diminish "Parasite Girls." It's a good story, and I hope it will be received well. Better to fail by trying than to not, eh? My friend Nick Bento once said, "Even if it flops, at least you did it." Something like that, and he's right. Gotta go there. Now...two new ideas have been slowly cooking in my head, and they have to stay there because they are not ready to come out of the oven yet. I have to edit SDS-4, and do rewrites, because that's not what it should be. "Time the Healer" needs a go-over...so much to do. But I'd not have it another way; it's good like this. Stuff ahead of me gives me incentive. Okay, off to the mad world I've created for myself. Peace, out.
Well, it has been some time since I have been here. I am going to have to go backwards, but in a very short time, so forgive my issues with typos and horrid grammar. I last blogged around the time of Samhain...and so jump to now. Because I fucking can. Magic Sam's "My Love Will Never Die" is playing through my brain on iTunes...okay, here's what happened yesterday. I noted this on Facebook, and I've got some interesting reactions. I saw DEATH yesterday. I was traveling to Washington for the first time in over three years. I exited 495 and got off at the Kensington/Chevy Chase exit in MD. With me so far? Moderate traffic, midday, nothing serious. I round the bend for the turn in the road, and there IT was. Death. In the median, right by the intersection. I drove past It to the light. I say IT, because I don't know the sex of that creature. But all in black, hood, cloak, the whole damn thing. A smaller figure than I imagined. Instead of a sickle, It was leaning on a crutch. I saw It. I know what I saw. I kept driving. I wondered...did I really just see that? Did anyone else see that? "Designated Fool," the Artist Formerly Known as Terrence Trent D'Arby...haven't heard this in years. I was reminded of my friend Mary Sue Twohy's beautiful vocal rendering of the Emily Dickinson poem...but it just didn't fit the moment. Too sunny a day, I guess. Well...that weirdness aside, I navigated my way into the District to WTOP Radio. Dropped in on my old XM Traffic boss Jim Battagliese, who now runs Traffic and Sports there. Got to see an old building with a very active and somewhat up to date newsroom. A real fucking newsroom, right down to the day's newspapers all lying about the copy table. I was also reunited with my old friend Amy Freedman and Bob Immler; great to see these folks again. It was from the high point of my radio career; I had a dream job at a dream place...and of course you know who and what managed to fuck that all up. But I digress. "Shadow of the Whip," Harry Manx. Interesting, folk-like stuff. Reminds me of Ray Wylie Hubbard w/o the growl. Talked about the old days, what 'TOP is up to, the competition from WNEW, which really is not. Radio talk, and talk of writing. Jim is the author of Stuck in Traffic, which you will find on Kindle. A film that just read like a movie in the earlier draft. Names were changed to protect the guilty. This was partly to see if there is any work left in the world down there. The radio business is a dying art, unless my predicted (yeah) implosion of at least two gigantic bloated companies occurs. I have my usual jobbing about going on, and I'll get to that in a sec. My main reason to go to DC was to head for the Phone Booth (aka, Verizon Center) to see the Hershey Bears and Norfolk Admirals play an AHL showcase matchup. I am the primary radio producer for the Bears this season, my third of working with them. I got a nosebleed ticket; sadly, Scott Stuccio could not get me access to the press box, but that's cool. Navigating DC traffic is insane. The streets are on weird angles, one way is always the way you don't want to go, etc. But, I did miss the city, and once you park the car (and remember Metro really works). "Rastaman Live Up" by Bob Marley just passed in a flash, and it's "Come Hell or High Water" by Everything But the Girl. I love Tracey Thorn's voice. Okay, the Phone Booth is a small arena, but there is no bad seat in the place. Prices for stuff...now you know why salaries are so high, or is it the other way 'round. NINE BUCKS FOR A BEER? I don't drink, but really. I have to work today, so I left after the 2nd period. Good game. On my way through the city, I passed the Sirius/XM building (formerly the National Geographic one); the lights were on but I wonder if anyone's still home. I was left to reflect on my nearly five years there; it was a great time of my life, and the ride back through the city and the way home I took so many times was something to remember. I still don't think my career is done. "When I'm 64?" Love the Beatles, but not this song. "I Go Crazy," Buddy Guy. Better. So anyway, I wonder if my encounter with Death means something. Is it the death of my livelihood; my career? Now I have had all of two job interviews with that place in Illinois, which did not pan out. I had a short talk with the manager of a station...get ready...wait for it...THE ALEUTIAN ISLANDS. Yep. KSDP Radio, 830 on your AM dial, in Sand Point. They are doing a pilot project. Six months. It would be an interesting experience; but I've not heard back. I have another i'view on Monday. Wish me luck. I still love this business, but it leads me to my writing, and what I want to do. I have finished "Time the Healer," the latest draft. Cut nearly 50 pages off the longwinded missive about growing up, violence, bullying, hatred and the ability to find a way to forgive others even at their worst. Not that I have done that completely, mind. "Bad Influence," Robert Cray Band. Nice. Now, I've done a needed edit of "Sweet Dreams: Searching for Roy Buchanan." After two years, a fresh look has resulted in a tighter story, with an added element to a scene. Much better. SDS-2 has been edited, but I need to again. The real work on a re-examination and rewrite of the series is needed, really needed. As I told Jim, this is what I have to do. This is my therapy; this is my touchstone to sanity, or what little of it remains. I came out of a not-good depression in November. I turned 47 on the 1st; again my thanks to my family and friends for the more than 200 greetings I got on Facebook. Really nice. The interactions with people in DC reminded me of what I miss, and what I cannot find in PA. Something is missing; a human element is not here anymore. I have to get out of here. If I stay, it is only for work, and I will adjust. Oh...we may be getting the band back together. Ahltyrra likely will not reform under that name. I got to see my co-founder Beth for the first time in over a year, plus most of the family last week. They're doing alright, and I was very glad to be around them. Beth has decided the band is not for her. That said, the Dharma Fools are a go for a meetup this month. We will see who is game, and what we might do. "Dime Story Mystery," Lou Reed. Another death song. Well, that's that for now. Off to work.
Well, here I am coming onto the tail end of several days of actual work. So much to update on and actually think about.
The playlist CD on the Office deck (one of the older Offices, not my favorite now) is pretty bad so it's iTunes time. "Show Me" by Ronnie Wood is playing; I have two versions of this; another by Johnny Winter. This one's good; sometimes I wonder about Ron's choice of song material for his solo stuff, but it's alright.
Anyway..."Gonna Try" from Big Audio Dynamite is next...okay...
Well, I am now something like 11 days out from taking my anti-depressants. It had been suggested (strongly) to me that 12 years of being on Zoloft (even a small dose) is not a good thing, and that it may have compressed more than just my maniacal and self-destructive ways.
Before Zoloft, I can tell you my depression was a fucking rollercoaster ride, and not one that was any fun. I am not lying when I tell you that I have had four major depressive periods in my life when suicide was a way out that seriously considered, and at one point even planned.
It's that fucking bad. Anyway...the stuff has been good for me, and I'm not saying that because the drug companies are giving me money, though I think they should. It acted as a compressor; my highs and lows were cut out, and I lived within the space remaining.
It worked well; for the better part of those 12 years, I was stable, much more calm, and more effective at a lot of things. My anxiety issues last year just led my doctor to double my dose.
I trusted her judgement.
"Pick Up the Peace," the Who...Now I'm in deeper...hmmm...
Well, that worked in the short-term, because it cooled things down, but then I felt a terrible loss of energy. Too much. Not fucking good.
So I finally just decided to go off it; cold turkey is the only way I quit smoking, so I had little choice I felt.
"Spade," the BPA w/Martha Wainwright...weird song.
The comedown has not been too bad...some peaks and valleys to it, some moments of mild panic, but nothing I could not recognize and figure out. My friend Dawn has tipped to a supplement, which I don't have with me, so I can't tell you all that's in it. But I think it might be better than that other stuff.
If ever you get a chance, watch Stephen Fry's documentary, "The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive." It will blow your mind. I am not bipolar or manic, but I have some of the traits. I saw myself in a lot of that, and also I'm quite glad I did not have the terrible flight off the cliff that some have (like one mentioned in there)...it ain't fun.
Will this change my being? Probably; but I just can't say whether it will be good or not. I would, as Richard Dreyfus said in the doc. about Lithium, that he's just about "not taking it."
I need to be that way with the Big Z. I'd like to just about not be using the stuff...if ever again. It's like bumming a smoke every now and again from my bass player Dan, but not buying and sucking 'em down every couple hours or whatever.
"Warm Regards," Steve Vai...from Fire Garden.
Musicwise, it's been considered that I might be a better player if I'm off the stuff. Don't know about that, yet. I do feel a little more creative on the fretboard than I have been at writing lyrics.
The Dharma Fools musical direction is changing a little; Dan and I still write on occasion and work on ideas, but we need a full band again. Finding people interested has been surprisingly hard.
Well...in terms of other related things, I have to wonder if my deeper plunges into my psyche are going to bear any fruit. At least in the short-term. The long-term is more my interest right now.
My mind issues also are again traveling back in time to my earlier life; I have specific thoughts about when my life took a turn. I often say this, with no joke; the last time I felt happy, was when I was about eleven.
"Snowblind," Black Sabbath. No I've never been that, but I would not have been surprised if I went that way.
My life changed radically before that, several years before only I didn't know that. Then at the appointed age, I went out of being a kid and into adolescence with no clue of much of anything. I had no idea what was going on, and why my life became episodes of bad choices, ill-advised mistakes and an inability to recognize what was before me.
Gets better as you get older; you slow down more, and you become more circumspect (is that the right word?); with that comes more things.
With the brain, comes the body, but usually that goes first. The body they say, is something you first repair, and the mind will follow that. Well, I'm in better physical shape than I have been in many years. I really do feel great; but my knees continue to trouble me. Pain from the left one especially; not enough to consider meds or anything, but I wonder what else is happening there.
And considering my health insurance sucks balls, well...can't do much but wear my brace and keep it stretched.
Here's a question for you: when do you think your childhood ended? Or...did you ever have one?
**Think about that**
I know I did, and some of it was good. Then I lost my youth, but there were occasional spots where the fog lifted and I could be a kid again. Not many, though.
A lot of people I know well, I don't think, ever really were kids. We were under adverse circumstances, many of us; I wonder if we sometimes act as we do as adults because we didn't have a childhood.
"Jubilee Train," the Blasters. Not a bad song, but I don't particularly care for this one. Do admit Dave Alvin's guitar licks are slippery good.
Anyway...it's really interesting to see some people still behaving like they're 16, or 18 or 21...for life. No matter how old they get, they still act like they're forever young and never will die.
There also is the emotional aspect of those who never grow up. Look at the public figures of people who act like they're stuck in junior high school; they never change, never grow up, and still act like insufferable brats.
Something stopped their growth. Heavy stuff; abuse, drug use, alcoholism, fuck know what else. I wonder when I stopped.
Axl Rose is quoted as saying that he stopped developing at the age of two, because of what he believes was sexual abuse at the hands of his father. Paraphrasing, he said, "When people say Axl is a screaming two-year-old, they're right."
That's scary.
"Open Your Eyes," Bottle Rockets.
There's nothing that says you can't grow yourself; most of us don't.
I know that things are changing in my life, but I'm damned if I do know where they will go.
Now, here's a thing...as a Buddhist and a Wiccan, Joy is an important matter. Now, what is that?
What is Joy? To you; you know the things that give you real joy, not just fleeting happiness.
I remember reading somewhere about letting oneself enjoy oneself. Life does not have to be work; you can do some stuff, small stuff that gives you joy in the moment, and if you keep it, you can carry on with any fucking thing you want.
The important matter is: YOU must decide what these things are, YOURSELF.
Do not let a spouse, a parent, a girlfriend, a preacher or whomever do it. They might be able to suggest something, but you must make the decision on that.
"Wolf Dance," Ronnie Earl & the Broadcasters. Now we're talking...deep blues...nice stuff.
So yeah...we all have stuff in our closets that need to come out, and I hope to do that on Mem. Day.
That day does not always resonate for me the way it does most others. I have personal reasons why that's not a good day, but that is something I'm putting in the past and saying, fuck it.
Now, how about the work thing...I will have had ten or eleven straight days of work, which is the first I've had in a long, long time. My sleep patterns were fucked, getting up at 1:30 in the am for a lot of it, but I could do that shift without much difficulty. I did overnights for many years, and the night owl thing does have its value.
Still job hunting, and to be honest not liking the look of the market. It has still got some opportunities out there, but I don't like where many of them are. If I have to move, that might be a new experience, one I've studiously avoided.
Now...the writing thing. "Time the Healer" got a week off, and I returned to editing yesterday. More ideas and additions; this is going to be a long process and a long job to get it right but I can live with that.
I need to keep pushing the others to get stuff done, because we need to go forward.
Move forward, that's all there is to it, really. I recently discussed with a friend about how she felt she never was a kid. A lot of us at our age feel our live is half over, or just plain over.
I don't believe that. I'm 46 years old, pushing 47. Now that I've made some physical changes, I don't feel like an old man any more. I'm not a kid, sure; I don't act like a 19-year-old college partier, those days are long gone. I'm still alive, and I feel about like I should at this age. Not going soft, neither am I becoming conservative or boring or stupid in my "old age."
My development is a work in progress; none of us are perfect, though to hear preachers and politicians say it, you'd think they were. And we're supposed to hew to that? I think not.
We all have to keep learning, keep growing; if we don't we die and we're a shell. I see so many people like that, and I hate seeing it. I hate seeing people give up, and act like it's over, or that they're fine the way they are and don't have to change a thing, because that's scary.
"The Valley of Unrest." Lou Reed's The Raven...I do not remember the name of the woman who does the reading, but it's pretty cool.
So I have more to do...I will write on, and I'll play music, and I'll stay in this crazy radio business, because these are the things I want to do, and am meant to.
I made this last night...it's pretty funny.
"I HEAR THE BELLS, I HAVE KEPT MY VIGILANCE, RAIN DANCING IN THE RHYTHM OF THE SHOWER, OVER WHAT GUILTY SPIRIT DO NOT HEAR THE BEATING, DO NOT HEAR THE BEATING HEART..."
I know, that's bloody pretentious, and I don't think Poe actually wrote it like that...or did he?
"Texas," Mike Stern is next...so, yeah, look at that little graphic up there. I made this last night, mostly as a joke, but now if you really look at it, that's my life. At least one part of it.
I didn't realize what I had made until I took a close look at it. The world is open to me...as it is to every fucking one of us.
WE Rule OUR World; fuck, yes we do.
I am aware that some people will never approve of me. Some will never understand why I do the things I do, and why I don't do this, why I won't do that, why, why, why, fucking why. Or why not.
Speaking of living in boxes: I strongly deny that I live in one, though I've been accused of it. I just do things the way I do them; sure, I do need to change it up now and again, but one must be reasonably practical about a bunch of this.
We do what we have to; but sometimes we don't even do what we want, because we think we can't.
Look at all the crazy shit I've written and done over the years; it's waiting to be read and heard, and it will happen. I just would like to be alive long enough to enjoy some of the reactions people will have. That would be my joy, more than anything else.
OK...I have shit to do...enjoy your weekend, and find some joy in it.
