Arrogance, and the Obnoxious Fad that Passes for...

...wait for it...

...wait for it...

...you know where I'm going, right...

Religion.

Yep. I'm headed down a track that is sure to offend some of you, and start a whole new debate. I again have found myself in that position of having to defend my spirituality from someone who is not ready to admit that there's any "god" but their own.

I had a long, and interesting talk yesterday with not one, but two people. I will not use their names, because that's not necessary. But I received two points of view, and have reached my own conclusion about myself.

The first is a fellow who remembered me from several years ago. I'd come to write a piece about his workplace. A decent man, and I feel a good one, really I do. Hadn't seen him in a while, and he's back in town.

He wears his mask well.

The conversation turned to religion. I'll make no bones about what I think of Organized Religion. I defend to death your right to be what you will be, and are. But I draw the line when you use that "faith" to attack others.

I am sure he didn't mean it as such, but I was under attack.

When a person listens, but does not hear, and continually turns and twists words back through his own prism of belief, a tenuous one at best, and continues to attack you, what is that?

It is not the "faith" that a follower of Jesus should do, IMHO. Jesus (whom I now believe was not a real person, but a fabrication) did not walk about the world tub-thumping...but as Gandhi said in paraphrasing, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ."

I recall my Congregational upbringing, until I was 12. I remember sermons and a church led by two of the finest, kindest men I knew then, and find hard to match. Reverend Hazen, and the man who later replaced him, Reverend Fuqua. Two men who treated every single person with kindness, respect and decency. 

They did NOT attack with religion, they did NOT try to convert you, they did NOT make you feel inferior and try to make you one of them.

What the fuck happened?

Televangelism, electronic media, and a radical savagery of the faith, and it crosses all boundaries.

The discussion with this fellow reminded me of when I was 15. I was under attack by a teacher, and her fellow born-again haters. A hateful, thinly-veiled cynicism and disgust for all that were not like them.

You may be a Christian, but you are not Christian enough. Ever.

I recall feeling bullied, and attacked, and questioned. I wasn't already good enough as a human being for my own family, let alone this!

I am going to tell you what I am. I am Buddhist. I meditate to Kirtan, and I am a Pagan. Our people were here before Christ's creation as a character, and our people's ways were co-opted, borrowed and stolen.

And they have the nerve to try and wipe us off the map.

They have the nerve to massacre 18 million people in Central America, and wipe out the entire native population of Cuba, in the name of "God" of course.

I do not discount the massacre of a million Armenian Christians in the First World War. I do not discount the massacres during the wars in Bosnia. Nor the 13 million Hitler did to death...not just the Jews, but Cossacks, Krimchaks, Russians of all stripes, and those caught up in the occupied territories. Two million or more murdered during the regime of Pol Pot.

Not to say how many Stalin eliminated. Or Mao Tse-Tung wiped out.

And we see what the "Islamic State" is now doing in the Middle East.

What the fuck happened?

What happened to the Good Samaritan I learned of? What happened to the people who showed respect and kindness to others, regardless of what they looked like or where they came from?

When did faith get caught up in patriotism? 

This much I have learned: we cannot change other's minds. We cannot turn others who cling to views that they are fearful of losing. This fellow clearly had his prism, and all thing must pass through it.

I don't think, again, he meant harm. But he would not listen. To him, I am a terrible person, a lost soul, a creature destined for Hell (which does not exist).

And his own self-flagellation is bizarre. A sinner who will never be forgiven, no matter what. A life of existential suffering, and yet...oh yes, he'll be in the Good Land or whatever it's called.

But to suffer that whole way?

Suffering exists. But we do not have to die for it. We can make things better.

I am who I am. I am not perfect, as I'm human. I have tried, believe me I have tried not to hate. I don't believe in it. Hate is too strong, and hate kills.

I don't know of anyone who hates me. I don't know of anyone who despises me. I'm sure some don't like me, but that's fine. 

I do not profess to know great truths. "Jesus he knows me, and He knows I'm right...been talking to Jesus all my life." Genesis, the band...heehee.

No. 

I call bullshit.

I am Me.

I can trust myself to make the right choices.

I can trust myself to be as mindful as I can.

I take responsibility for this, and all things.

I do not agree with a lot of things, and I don't like a lot of things. I stand against a lot of things, especially the mad cults of Organized Religion. If you go there, it is your business and your decision. I do not say you're bad because of it. I hope it is right for you.

THIS is right for me.

There is One Race. The Human Race. We're it, folks.

Let's stop the hating. Let's stop killing. Let's stop feeling so fucking threatened by every little thing.

I'm gonna do my best. Here's hoping you can too.

We don't need to obsess or talk about IT all the time. To do that leads to the tunnel that you will never escape from.

This is a good world, but we each have to make it good. Stop looking for shit to stir. We can make this thing work, folks.

In my writing, I write what I want to see, not what others tell you you are supposed to see. Does that make sense? I hope so.

NOW...that all said, let me tell you about the second person.

Without going to deeply into it, this individual talked to me in an interview about her life, her career, her family, and what she loves doing. We are artists in our own way, and our own right.

This person, younger than me, showed incredible poise, maturity and sense of place. It has nothing to do with religion, and posing, and hiding behind something.

She was There.

Doing what she loved, and knowing the fulfillment to herself, and to others. Not about money. Not about fame. Not about anything but doing what is right for HER.

In her, I see how the madness can end.

I was reminded of why I write, and why I do the things I do. It is right for me.

Be right for you, and don't let others browbeat you, attack you, piss on you. You cannot change them, and you do not need to change for anyone.

Be YOU.

YOU is what is right for you. Change when you need to, and accept the inevitability that it does happen.

I change when I will, not when others dictate it to me.

I go where I will, not when others tell me to.

"An' it harm none, do what ye will."

My sense of place has been restored. I don't know if any of this makes sense, and I'm sure some of you will be stunned by this. 

I hate no one. I have malice toward none. I don't blindly love everyone, but I really hope that as we go on, we can be what we will be, but try and respect the differences.

And the similarities. 

We are all one...we're all we've got, folks.

Peace, Out.

"One Track Heart," Krishna Das, and Getting Out of Our Own Way

Well, it has been about an hour since I finished watching my DVD copy of "One Track Heart: the Story of Krishna Das." I feel a very strong sense of calm after viewing and listening to his life story, and told in just over 70 minutes.

I am not writing to do a critique of the film, and I am not going to fall over myself in the greatness that is, etc. There's no need.

Here is the trailer...the story of one man who traveled to India and was not planning to come back. A guy whose old band went on to become Blue Oyster Cult. The one who bonded with a guru who didn't want anything but love, because that is what he gave back.

You might have seen Krishna Das' performance at the Grammy Awards. You might have been amused, confused, even bored. The sound wasn't good. Also...calling him a "New Age Rock Star" is bullshit.

KD does address this issue in the film, as he addresses his depression, his drug abuse, and a whole lot more. You see a few people you might recognize, and you see in the concert footage something very few ever get to experience. I have not yet; I hope to.

Connection. 

KD talks about it...he is not singing to anyone but his guru, not to you, me or even himself. It is, as is noted an intimate conversation we are being allowed to listen in on.

I dabble in spiritual things, and I admit it. Buddhism, Wicca and the Indian devotionals, the music known as Kirtan. I mediate to kirtan, among other things, I work out to it, and I don't just listen. I try to let myself go there.

I took one of the traditional chants, "Baba Hanuman" and added my own words to it after watching a documentary. "All One" became one of the simplest songs I've ever written. In my old band Ahltyrra, it was one of our most requested songs. 

There was something about getting everyone on that wavelength, for the six minutes that piece lasts. Sometimes you reach it, sometimes not, but the fact you tried to let yourself go was a big thing.

I saw two old friends today, while traveling about to find a place that would let me use my wifi capability, haha...never found it, and I suppose that was meant because I'd never had gotten to where I did.

My former Zen Master, who I was saddened to see having some health problems. As ever, he remained optimistic and went with it. "Part of the process," he said. True.

Then right after my friend Dharma arrived. Yes, that is her Pagan name. I'd not seen her since sharing the pool at the gym some two years ago. We got caught up, and I started to see some clarity for other things.

In his book, "Chants of a Lifetime," Krishna Das has a chapter called, "The Movie of Me." In the film, I saw some more: it's not about us, it is more about what we do and why we do it.

He also said one of the biggest obstacles in his own life was to get out of his own way.

I have to do the same. Why do I remain in a dying industry? Why do I play music? Moreover, why do I write these books, one of which I'm finally putting out?

Hardly for the money! Would be nice, but not a necessary thing. Just enough would do. Either way, I do these things because I love doing them. Some more than others.

My lesson is to get out of my own way, and continue to answer the question of why am I doing this. 

We let things get in our way, and that becomes the obstacle. We are our own obstacle.

I have to figure out what I'm going to do with the years I have left. I have to make a living, until we figure out how to live without money. I especially do things, but to write, it is what I enjoy and love doing.

I hope that the stories I write get out there, that people are at the very least entertained just a little bit by them. If not, fine.

But I hope they're good enough that people like them, refer to them, think about them, and also see what the characters see: a lot of my characters are unusual, and seem a little extreme at times. Or they're just there. Well, there's a reason for that.

Each person is extreme, non-extreme, or just there. We all are.

I hope to live long enough to see these things come to pass, where people find characters they like and identify with, and then see what they go through. Not much different than you or me...if they can move forward, so can we.

My aim now is to get out of my own way, and let these things occur as they are meant. I'll do what I have to, but beyond that, there is not much else to say but...let us connect.

I reach for that connection when I write, perform, and even open the mic. Not for me, not anymore...I'm just a go-between.

Krishna Das is the vessel...the guru is poured in, or from the other end, you are poured in. One way or the other, there's a meeting there, and a message.

I'll get out of the way now, and see where it goes.

Here's a better version of what they did...if you can't get the vibe of this, I don't know what will do it:

Namaste.

Day 16: Riding Out the Storm

Here we are on June the 1st, and it is on a day such as this that it's decided to go dark.  We just got hit with a good downpour through the late afternoon, and it hasn't adjusted my moods.


I am now on the 16th day without my anti-depressants.  The first 30 days are the worst, that I know, and I'm feeling it.  


By the way:  I am NOT writing this to make YOU feel bad; nor do I wish to acquire your sympathy.  This is also NOT a cry for help; I'm okay, I'm doing what I have to do.  I suppose the main reason I am doing this is so that I can explain to you just what is racing through my brain in the absence of the medications.


Time will tell whether going off them was a good idea or not.  So many people are in one camp or the other:  either, it's OMG YOU HAVE TO BE ON THOSE THINGS FOR LIFE OR OMG WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.................


...and then there's the other:  OMG THOSE DRUGS ARE KILLING YOU AND DESTROYING YOUR LIFE AND OMG YOU WILL NEVER REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL AND YOU'LL BE SHUFFLING AROUND LIKE A ZOMBIE ALL YOUR LIFE AND OMGOMOGOMGOMGOMG...


STOP IT.  RIGHT NOW.


It's too fucking soon to know which is the right course of action.  I have to feel this is the right way for me to go, at least now.  If things get too extreme or dangerous, then I'll consider what to do about it.


I do not feel in any situation I'm going to require sectioning or any of that shit.  So let's get the white-coated orderlies out of our heads right now.


I do admit to going through a fair amount of cycling; what that to me means is that my body is over-adjusting or over-compensating to the stimuli that's attacking me.


I am again feeling the lows very strongly.  They are not good; I am trying to convince myself that these will pass, and that I will be all right.


I am not feeling the highs at all.  I generally don't anyway.  I have reasons to feel that way, but I'm not sure yet of how they are going to manifest.


How do I feel?  One moment to the next, different.  I have managed some small changes that will be good for me in the long run.  I got a fair amount of cleaning done earlier this week, and things look a little better.


More to do there.


Stress...the level is extremely high at times.  I'm getting wound way too fucking tightly over things that I need to remember and accept as being the way they should be.


Guess what one of those things is...wait for it...


COMPUTERS.


Oh that's a good one, isn't it?  Considering how much time I spend on-line?


I find I am not very patient with these little items.  If they don't work, I ain't happy.  I must also remember that computers are only as smart as those who program or use them.


Quite a few times in the past two or three days I've been ready to smash my laptop.  Or my home PC.  I mean smash and destroy it.


Childish, yes.  Destructive, yes.  Stupid, very much so.


Yet in those moments, your mind does not think so.


Just need to take a deep breath, and remember that in that time, you must be patient.  Exercises in patience.  Indeed.


Need to pull back from it, too.  Got to convince my brain to think a little more.


The cycling is an issue, because it does not allow me to think clearly, or straight about things that I have to consider.  It's nearly impossible to think for any length of time about things that I have to think about.  I have to focus on certain things, and it will not happen.


I have to regain command of that ability.


I'm also seeing and hearing the voices that I know are not there.  The images of people (especially my family) who used to mock me when I was struggling.  They thought they were being funny; they thought they were trying to bring my attention to what my behavior must have looked like.


FUCK YOU ALL.  FUCK EVERY ONE OF YOU.  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!


Ask my sister-in-law, who suffers from bipolar disorder; she has been, and I don't think it's a stretch, on the edge of madness for a long time.  Her issues are deeper than mine, harder to handle and harder to understand.  


I don't have what she has; thankfully I have not found myself there in the long-term in many years.  But I get it; oh, I get it.


So anyway...I've been sitting at one of the "Offices" for the past couple of hours, getting a few things in order.  I have been considering a bit of clean-up on the laptop, and that has been a good thing.


I have cleared tons of pages from my favorites that I don't need.  True, a lot of those were reference or resource sites for my writings, but I just don't need them.


I feel scattered all over the goddamn place, but that is what that is.  


I'm still working out, and I do feel a bit of energy returning there, and again, that has really been a good part of the recovery.  I'm not doing crazy shit like some of these people do (just look around and you see crazy everywhere)...none of this "I lift things up and put them down" shit.


My knees are a wreck, and I have to stay with the pool.  The bike is off-limits till this heals right.


Now how does one cope:

Check this out.


Krishna Das has given me a platform to get back to my Buddhist side...but then my Wiccan and Pagan sides are all a part of this.


I've been listening to "Breath of the Heart" and the CD included in his book, "Chants of a Lifetime."  This is shocking, in terms of what this does for me.


I am fucking moved.


Through what is offered, I was moved to write a song called "All One," which became one of Ahltyrra's most requested songs.  It is from a Hindu chant that is on "Breath of the Heart."  KD himself gave his blessing to my adding my own lyrics and arrangement.  It became something you won't believe.


I have also written another with this:

This is not something I just dove into.  I've been aware of this since 2006; it's been in and out of my life.


It is part of my meditation, and what I do.  


It's helping, believe me.


And while we're at it:  I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT "CHRISTIANS" SAY ABOUT THIS.


I know most Christians don't believe this, I truly know...but for those who can't get it:


THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SATANISM NOR HAS IT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING THAT IS A FUCKING THREAT TO THEM.


GET OVER YOURSELVES...NOW.


This is fucking saving my life right now.  If it keeps me from destroying all that I have or don't have, I'd say it's good.


Okay...enough of that.


I'd say to anyone who is struggling like me...if you can make it on your own, that's great.  If not, it's okay to ask for help.  When it gets really bad, if people don't get it, then they can't help you.


Keep looking.


It's all good.


Well, I feel a whole lot better after that.  Imagine.


Okay, thanks for reading, and know that you ain't alone, it might just take a while to go looking for it.


Good will hunting, or whatever that's supposed to mean.


Peace.