Day 16: Riding Out the Storm

Here we are on June the 1st, and it is on a day such as this that it's decided to go dark.  We just got hit with a good downpour through the late afternoon, and it hasn't adjusted my moods.


I am now on the 16th day without my anti-depressants.  The first 30 days are the worst, that I know, and I'm feeling it.  


By the way:  I am NOT writing this to make YOU feel bad; nor do I wish to acquire your sympathy.  This is also NOT a cry for help; I'm okay, I'm doing what I have to do.  I suppose the main reason I am doing this is so that I can explain to you just what is racing through my brain in the absence of the medications.


Time will tell whether going off them was a good idea or not.  So many people are in one camp or the other:  either, it's OMG YOU HAVE TO BE ON THOSE THINGS FOR LIFE OR OMG WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.................


...and then there's the other:  OMG THOSE DRUGS ARE KILLING YOU AND DESTROYING YOUR LIFE AND OMG YOU WILL NEVER REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL AND YOU'LL BE SHUFFLING AROUND LIKE A ZOMBIE ALL YOUR LIFE AND OMGOMOGOMGOMGOMG...


STOP IT.  RIGHT NOW.


It's too fucking soon to know which is the right course of action.  I have to feel this is the right way for me to go, at least now.  If things get too extreme or dangerous, then I'll consider what to do about it.


I do not feel in any situation I'm going to require sectioning or any of that shit.  So let's get the white-coated orderlies out of our heads right now.


I do admit to going through a fair amount of cycling; what that to me means is that my body is over-adjusting or over-compensating to the stimuli that's attacking me.


I am again feeling the lows very strongly.  They are not good; I am trying to convince myself that these will pass, and that I will be all right.


I am not feeling the highs at all.  I generally don't anyway.  I have reasons to feel that way, but I'm not sure yet of how they are going to manifest.


How do I feel?  One moment to the next, different.  I have managed some small changes that will be good for me in the long run.  I got a fair amount of cleaning done earlier this week, and things look a little better.


More to do there.


Stress...the level is extremely high at times.  I'm getting wound way too fucking tightly over things that I need to remember and accept as being the way they should be.


Guess what one of those things is...wait for it...


COMPUTERS.


Oh that's a good one, isn't it?  Considering how much time I spend on-line?


I find I am not very patient with these little items.  If they don't work, I ain't happy.  I must also remember that computers are only as smart as those who program or use them.


Quite a few times in the past two or three days I've been ready to smash my laptop.  Or my home PC.  I mean smash and destroy it.


Childish, yes.  Destructive, yes.  Stupid, very much so.


Yet in those moments, your mind does not think so.


Just need to take a deep breath, and remember that in that time, you must be patient.  Exercises in patience.  Indeed.


Need to pull back from it, too.  Got to convince my brain to think a little more.


The cycling is an issue, because it does not allow me to think clearly, or straight about things that I have to consider.  It's nearly impossible to think for any length of time about things that I have to think about.  I have to focus on certain things, and it will not happen.


I have to regain command of that ability.


I'm also seeing and hearing the voices that I know are not there.  The images of people (especially my family) who used to mock me when I was struggling.  They thought they were being funny; they thought they were trying to bring my attention to what my behavior must have looked like.


FUCK YOU ALL.  FUCK EVERY ONE OF YOU.  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!


Ask my sister-in-law, who suffers from bipolar disorder; she has been, and I don't think it's a stretch, on the edge of madness for a long time.  Her issues are deeper than mine, harder to handle and harder to understand.  


I don't have what she has; thankfully I have not found myself there in the long-term in many years.  But I get it; oh, I get it.


So anyway...I've been sitting at one of the "Offices" for the past couple of hours, getting a few things in order.  I have been considering a bit of clean-up on the laptop, and that has been a good thing.


I have cleared tons of pages from my favorites that I don't need.  True, a lot of those were reference or resource sites for my writings, but I just don't need them.


I feel scattered all over the goddamn place, but that is what that is.  


I'm still working out, and I do feel a bit of energy returning there, and again, that has really been a good part of the recovery.  I'm not doing crazy shit like some of these people do (just look around and you see crazy everywhere)...none of this "I lift things up and put them down" shit.


My knees are a wreck, and I have to stay with the pool.  The bike is off-limits till this heals right.


Now how does one cope:

Check this out.


Krishna Das has given me a platform to get back to my Buddhist side...but then my Wiccan and Pagan sides are all a part of this.


I've been listening to "Breath of the Heart" and the CD included in his book, "Chants of a Lifetime."  This is shocking, in terms of what this does for me.


I am fucking moved.


Through what is offered, I was moved to write a song called "All One," which became one of Ahltyrra's most requested songs.  It is from a Hindu chant that is on "Breath of the Heart."  KD himself gave his blessing to my adding my own lyrics and arrangement.  It became something you won't believe.


I have also written another with this:

This is not something I just dove into.  I've been aware of this since 2006; it's been in and out of my life.


It is part of my meditation, and what I do.  


It's helping, believe me.


And while we're at it:  I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT "CHRISTIANS" SAY ABOUT THIS.


I know most Christians don't believe this, I truly know...but for those who can't get it:


THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SATANISM NOR HAS IT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING THAT IS A FUCKING THREAT TO THEM.


GET OVER YOURSELVES...NOW.


This is fucking saving my life right now.  If it keeps me from destroying all that I have or don't have, I'd say it's good.


Okay...enough of that.


I'd say to anyone who is struggling like me...if you can make it on your own, that's great.  If not, it's okay to ask for help.  When it gets really bad, if people don't get it, then they can't help you.


Keep looking.


It's all good.


Well, I feel a whole lot better after that.  Imagine.


Okay, thanks for reading, and know that you ain't alone, it might just take a while to go looking for it.


Good will hunting, or whatever that's supposed to mean.


Peace.

Another Long Week

It's been rather a busy one, with a lot of changes going on.  I am currently working on Chapter 5 of "Take Another Road," but don't know when it will be ready.  You always think it's great after going over it so many times; then you leave it alone for a bit and realize, you've changed, and now this must change as well.

There has been little to report as we roll into August.  Work is the same; I've finished a number of edits, and yet I have more to work on.  I keep finding things in my writings that must be better, and must be improved.

Now, I've made another step, and time will tell if the time, money and pain are gonna be worth it.  I quit smoking (yet again) on Friday, and joined LA Fitness.

Yep, I'm hitting the gym.  The aim will be to have me work out three days a week, and I'll meet once a month with a trainer to see how I'm doing.  It didn't take long for me to realize that my decision to improve my health came not a moment too soon.

I am a physical wreck.  At 45, I don't look or feel right.  Not overweight, underweight probably, but my body is just not what it should be. 

We did a 15-minute workout to start, and it was hell.  I barely made it; but the trainer was cool, and said I did better than some...he said he's seen guys actually say they needed to use the bathroom halfway through this simple workout, then run like hell out the back.

I told him I couldn't do that to him; that would be a shame I'd never live down.  But I was in bad shape...and am going to be for a while.

Most of my problems are not serious ones...just have too much body fat, though it's hard to tell on me, and I need to get my inner strength and flexibility back.  They're gonna work with me, I just hope my body is up to it.

You'd think I'd be all right with it; I don't drink, don't use drugs, I'm vegetarian...yeah, the smoking is bad, but I've resolved to quit, and I'll deal with that. 

Because of how tight I am physically, I went back today for a short workout, in which I just stretched those areas that really hurt like hell, and also got on a bike for a while.  Not the progress I want or need, but it's a beginning.

I do enjoy this, though; it does give you a good feeling, and I hope I can keep it up without getting hurt or losing my drive.  The overall feeling is the important thing; I'm not out to impress anyone or get anybody's attention.  I just have to do this for me, and remind myself it is for me.

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That said:  I hope to have Chapter 5 of "TAR" up soon...I hope also to have a few other matters taken care of.