"Tryin' to Leave the Black Dog at Home..."

It is a Monday, and while Garfield might hate them, I am ambivalent about them.  My weekend of late starts on a Monday, and unfortunately sometimes other things come along with it.

The "Black Dog" in this case is NOT the Led Zeppelin tune, rather what Winston Churchill defined his depression.

I have battled clinical depression all of my life, and I was aware as early as perhaps five or six years old that something was not right about me, emotionally.  I also had no idea how to describe it, and no one was interested in what a stupid had to say about such weighty things, anyway.

Here is a great, slightly off-base song from the legendery John Hiatt.  "Fireball Roberts" is on his most excellent The Open Road CD.

It does illustrate in a way how it feels...but it is not always so colorful.  It is generally dark, heavy, and sickening.

You honestly feel like shit.  All the time.  Everything weighs on you; this is not usually something you can just buck yourself up over, though we've tried different things, those of us who deal with it.

I did what is called in football a "two-a-day," that is I went to LA Fitness and worked my ass out twice in a day.  It really does help; I had done my M-W-F workout in the morning, which is a short, but strenuous series of lifts, crunches, floor exercises and other moves.  On my off days, I generally swim.

Well, today was just fucking weird, and this is what I deal with.  My medication just was not cutting it today; self-medication beyond this is NEVER an option, and I'm gonna tell you that right now.  I'm talking booze, drugs, food, even sex...doesn't work.

Now beyond that; since my depression was diagnosed in 2000, and I've been put on a certain Rx, I've been pretty damned good.  The drug acts like a compressor; in that it pushes down the high and pushes up the lows.  You live in between, and I've found for the most I can live a happier life.

Doesn't always work...I don't know why, but today certain things just got me.  Summer sucks for me, as does the Yule/Xmas holiday season; I fucking hate these periods, despite enjoying the warm weather, and conversely the time of Yule and all of that.

I knew after a while, I just had to get my ass back to the gym and hit the pool.  My swimming workout right now is about 40 minutes, with no stopping.  I've gotten better at it, and I do feel a lot stronger these past two weeks, and that's all it's been.

And...16 days without a smoke.  That's another self-medicator that does not work.  We know what it does to your body, but the tobacco and the chemicals fuck up your head.  I know what it does, and I feel it. 

I used to like that feeling; suppose that was my way of self-doing it, because I don't drink. 

Actually, I do think I know why some of the depression has come back in recent weeks; and again, it's a matter of riding these things out. 

I'll have to do what I have to do, and if it means people don't see me or hear from me, sorry, but that is what I've got going on.  You don't want to know.

I have one more day off as it were before things get interesting.  I'm back on the air Thursday, doing "All Things Considered" for WITF, before I take off for New England to see my nephew Aubrey walk the aisle, see how the family's doing, and then head for Boston. 

That will be fun...I hope.

So, just remember when shit gets on you, you are not alone.  If you feel it getting extreme, find someone you can trust to help.  At the end of the day, no matter how fucking awful you feel, you are still here.

It's a Beautiful Day...and I'm Telling it, "Go Away."

It is one of those days...technically, it's a day off, but I don't really like those very much.  Having time on my hands does not work well with me.


Beautiful day, yes...and I'm having a hard time enjoying any of it.  This is what depression does to you.  It weighs on you, no matter what you do.  What goes on around here I'm sure has a hand in all of it.


It took me 30 minutes of traffic jams and backroad running to get to the gym today.  Route 30 is being held up due to road work along the area near I-83...avoid it at all costs.  It's awful.


"RM Blues" by Jimmie Vaughan on the Walkman...I have to have it today, because of where I am.


"A Party (Dub Version)" by Big Audio Dynamite is next.  I did finally make the gym and did a swim day.  Did well, really; 40 minutes in the pool, more laps than I did before and I felt much better.  It's coming along pretty well.  I do feel a lot more awake, which is good; 13 days without smoking, also good.


I decided to see about getting my car stereo replaced.  The Silver Saturn's factory CD player is none too subtly reminding me that it will melt down without warning, and soon.


The only place around here is Best Buy; after quite a while of trying out varied radios (which don't look or act like them at all), I finally settled on an inexpensive one that actually responds to basic commands.  I have never liked these space-age stereos that do so many things; just too much stuff.


So hopefully those kids will get the thing installed, and I can make sense of how it works.  It does give me one new advantage; I can plug my Walkman into the stereo, yay!


Around here, there's no place to hang, apart from a bar, and I don't need that.  There is a Five Guys, and that's where I am now.  Never been in one of these, because I honestly can't eat anything in the place.


#1, I'm vegetarian, and #2, they fry shit in peanut oil.  I am deathly allergic to it.


It has given me a view of this mad little society I live in, this part of Dumbekistan.  The Five Guys sounds like a factory, noise, noise, noise.  Lot of loser type people in here, too--rednecks, and my God, you ought to see how many morbidly overweight people there are in this part of the world.


I'm not overweight, but I know my conditioning is not good; and my bodyfat %age is higher than it should be.  Whatever the fat/muscle ratio is, but that can be corrected.


George Carlin did a great monologue on the fat people, the supersized society, etc.  Damned funny, but also cutting.  I have nothing against overweight people, as I once was one.  Some people, and I have friends that are of this type, have serious health issues where it is not avoidable.  That's fair and understood.


There are however a lot of folks I see that could have a little bit of control over it all; see 'em everywhere.  The morbidly obese, who continue to stuff themselves with junk food, etc.  They either don't know, or don't care.  


You feel sad, and yet you also have to be conscious that is is not always a person's fault.  Sometimes I wonder though.


Double shot of B.A.D.--"This is Big Audio Dynamite."  Cool.


The need for me to be out and about has also left me feeling increasingly shut out of our world; I don't feel like I exist here, and I find I envy younger people their youth, and also the relationships, and the fun they seem to have.  


I don't remember what that was like; I really don't know if I ever lived like that in my younger days.  I don't think I did; I think I would recall it.


"Mermaid in the Night," by Jimmy Buffett...strange song, but a lot of his can be.


I know this is something I have to plow through...I do have things that would make me feel better, but they don't completely work.


A lot of the characters in my writings tend to be like me in that respect; I have an idea what others did who had "normal" lives, so that fits, but then there's the "me" in certain ones...I am sure that will read in a very strange way.


"Cigarettes and Alcohol," by Oasis.  Ah, the past comes calling, heh.


Well, I have to remind myself (and I do this way) that I have done certain things in my past that could have been avoided; but then, I might never have learned hard lessons early enough, or not at all.  Who knows what I would be like then?  Would I even be alive?


I look out the window from this horridly colored fast-food joint with the terribly cheap seats and tacky decor, a place I would normally never come in, and see a nice day.  I also see a lot of people that just are not my people.


I keep thinking, I need to move.  But where to?  I can't afford to live anywhere else, and I actually do like where I live.  


The house is the thing...Jidda Krishnamurti (I think it was him) said that if you don't love your home, you won't clean it.  I am not good at that, but it's not a biohazard.  I think once again I must re-examine the place and make changes to it.


So I guess that's why I'm away from it a lot.  My work schedule is as crazy as anything, so that's part of it, too.


"Diaraby," by Ali Farka Toure and Ry Cooder...great stuff.


Saw some photos by a friend of mine last night, and this touches on the youth thing...I have the bones of a song that might work out pretty well...there is another one I'm working on, too.  Lot of songs, no one to play them with.


The Dharma Fools are going nowhere fast.  Need to get Dan back into it with me; the duo thing may be the only way to get our stuff out there, and hope the rest come along.


So many projects, and I try my best to focus on them...maybe there are too many.


Had a long talk with my sister yesterday; we're all gathering in Vermont next weekend to see our nephew walk the aisle.  That will be strange; the changes up there are ones that needed to be made, and I will have to take what may be my last look at the farm I grew up on.  I hope not; Aubrey aims to farm and do it up right, but I wonder what is left for family farms.  Not much on the look of it.


I will also be in Boston to see friends again, and hopefully get a jump start on the Sweet Dreams Series manga...not much has happened, and while I understand the reasons behind that, I do need to move on it, and on those responsible.


I have wondered what you (as you are reading this) think of "Take Another Road," the other project that I've been serializing here.  Something good, not good, missing?


I know...NO VAMPIRES!


Fuck, I hope to ride out the vampire obsession...didn't that shit die in like 1994?


Oh well...I am wondering more about what else I must have going.  The radio business still isn't finished with me, which I admit is kind of nice.  At least it makes a few dollars, but never much.  That does not concern me; the fact I'm still in it is good.


"I Wonder Where My Baby is Tonight," by Robert Earl Keen.  Great music on the Picnic CD.


And...in my capacity as relief host for "Morning Edition" on WITF, I am pleased to note that my voice has caught some ears.  I did one show Wednesday, as Craig Layne had a legitimate assignment to do.  Not my best, but it was good.


I got resent a Tweet from a listener who liked the music I played near the tops of the hours...she dug it.  Ronnie Earl and the Broadcasters works really well, as he primarily does instrumental blues and jazz...brilliant stuff.


Then, I got THIS email today, forwarded through a number of channels:


"Dear WITF,

I just want to express how happy I was to hear Tory (sp?) Gates on the radio this morning. My wife and I really enjoyed Tory when he was on regularly a few months ago and were sad when he was not made the permanent morning newscaster. In any case, thanks Tory for making our morning and we hope to hear more of you in the future.

Sincerely,

(Name Withheld)

WITF member"

Very nice.  I'm not letting it go to my head, but needless to say when another slot opens up at WITF, believe you me I'd better be thought of.

Redemption, Part 3...here's Part 2; this was sent a few months ago, during a weeklong stint:

"Please, please, please - put Tory Gates back on the morning programs. His enunciation is impeccable. He speaks the way we should all speak."

Wow.

Now that one is something that made me think, and I have had to remind myself of it.  Consider also that I only had a couple of speech communication classes in college (one easy, one damned hard), I don't know how I got that but for years of work and practice.

So you see, it kinda behooves me to stick around, and again be that voice you hear every now and again.  

One more shot in this business?  Yeah, it can happen.

As for the SDS...I remain confident that I will be published.  NOT IF, BUT WHEN.

"So Far to Yesterday," by Jack Bruce and Robin Trower.  Seven Moons CD...great music, find this if you like old Cream.  You'll not be disappointed.

Okay, starting to feel a little better again...so up and down these days, with the weather, my working out, my sometimes uncertain position, and the feeling of never being sure of where or who I am.

I just can't quit...we don't quit, we're still here at end of the storm.  

"Done it All," by the Bottle Rockets.  About right, I have been here before.  Just keep on, and don't worry so much I'm telling myself.

I don't know if these rambling thoughts mean anything to you, but I hope they are entertaining or useful.  I'm not done or dead yet.

An Update on Life

We are indeed busy...first and foremost, I'm back on the air once again tomorrow morning!  Shameless plug time, I know.


I'm hosting "Morning Edition" on WITF Wednesday and Thursday mornings, from 5-9 am.  Mr. Layne is on assignment, and he actually is.  So I get to navigate that madness once again, which is the NPR clock.


It's not as easy as you'd think; but once you get the routine down, you're pretty much okay.  There have been some changes in the past few months, due to cutbacks and other subjects that have come about.  In any case, the product is still a good one.


www.witf.org is where you can hear all the action, thrills and excitement that is...NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO.  Haha...


I need whatever work I can get right now.  I had three ballgames last week for Clear Channel, and only one this week.  I did handle Radio PA Network Sports this morning, and that went pretty well.  I like being able to go on a moment's notice and be the go-to guy, which is now the case at WITF.  I've made myself useful and known; now it's wait my turn.


Working out is going well.  I have a new trainer; Jesse is a former athlete and he's devised the kind of workout I really need.  It is cardio, more than anything, because I now know that's exactly what I have to have.  Being aerobically and cardio fit is really best for my body type, but also how I feel.


11 days without a smoke...how about that.  


Anyway, the workouts do push me pretty well...I wanted to swim this morning, but the aqua class had taken over...so I hit the weights and also did some of the exercises Jesse set up for me.  Kind of an off-day thing.  


I plan to swim each off-day, alternating with the workouts.  That is, if I'm capable of doing them.  I have to get in better touch with my body to see what is up there.


Either way, glad I'm doing it.  I do feel better already, and I hope to look more like myself again one day.


Now, this routine does alter everything else.  I have a ton of writing to edit, and I do consider that part of the writing process, and always will be.  "Take Another Road" will reappear in the form of Chapter 6 soon enough, I promise.  


Anyway, needed to put this out.  I do not feel as depressed, thankfully; another of the peaks and valleys I must contend with.  


Food is definitely a big part of that...I've often gone a couple of days without real food, especially while writing.  That is not good, as any nutritionist or athlete will tell you.  My vegetarianism is still in place, but I can do better within the system, and I am working on that.  My diet I think has helped stave off the worst effects of what I did to myself over the past six or seven years, re: the cancer sticks.  In any case, I do feel better, and that will make me more productive.


Had an interesting conversation with a young fellow who works the Morebucks here in York.  I knew there was a reason to come in here, as I debated whether or not I should.  Chris is a nice kid; he is a member of the Black Forest Clan...never heard of them, but they are a spiritually eclectic bunch of folks and their association is a loose one.  Best to keep it that way, I've seen what happens when you don't.


Okay...keeping to my other pursuits, and we'll see where the rest of it goes.  Anyway, I must be up at 2 in the a.m. to get ready for Morning Edition...slept a bit this afternoon, need more if I can get it.

This will be a quick one...

I am dealing with internal issues again this week; the next chapter of "Take Another Road" likely will be later in the week, but I have a wild one coming up.

First, the past week...I've done reasonably well in hitting the gym, but I also realize I have to ease myself back into this thing.

I will meet again with a trainer on Monday, and I think I know how to make this work:  I am supposed to do some sort of training M-W-F; the other days I will swim, given the time to get there and do it.

So far, it's going well; I do feel a lot better already.  Also:  9 days today without a smoke.  Don't miss it much, though I am tempted at times.

I am not as sore as I thought I would be, but I can feel areas coming back to life, as it were.  It is helping make me feel better, but I also know it has limits.

Depression is very difficult again; Tuesday I was in terrible shape.  I was not supposed to work out, but I did to try and get it out of me.  Helped to some extent.

I've been on and off depressed all week, and it is disconcerting to me, because while I have not had any episodes, I feel I'm sailing close to that wind again.  Not good.

Without the Office, the gym has become it for now.  Not a bad thing, I suppose; but despite people's opinons, 95% of those who pay to go to these places are there to work, as I am.  I could care fucking less what anyone dresses like, looks like or how many hundred pounds their benching.

This sure ain't Planet Fitless, folks, and for that I'm grateful.

So anyway...I think my depression is coming from a lack of human contact once again; now, I am more concerned, because being around some of my friends as I was last night left me feeling worse.

Nothing anyone said or did to be sure, just a terribly strange feeling.  Change; more of it.

Alice made a very interesting comment recently; we are no longer a relationship, but we are good friends and always will be.  She doesn't want to get in the way of what I "will be."  Or something that like that. 

She sees more potential in me than I do; I know that is something that is hidden in each of us, and I think mine hasn't fully manifested yet.  I've worked here, worked there, done this, done that, but has any of it every reached its full power?

Makes me think, it really does.  I know however there's a lot I have to contend with before I get to that point.  I must remember to believe that I am all these things, because I have accomplished them.  Just have to go further.

###

I digress.  Back to KYW tonight, and then I have a long week coming up:  Radio PA sports in the very early morning Tuesday...then Wed. and Thurs. I'm back on WITF to host "Morning Edition."  Changes are being made there, so I need to work on what those are. 

I have other things to do, so many other things to do...urg.

Must get to it then...life goes on, doesn't it?

Another Long Week

It's been rather a busy one, with a lot of changes going on.  I am currently working on Chapter 5 of "Take Another Road," but don't know when it will be ready.  You always think it's great after going over it so many times; then you leave it alone for a bit and realize, you've changed, and now this must change as well.

There has been little to report as we roll into August.  Work is the same; I've finished a number of edits, and yet I have more to work on.  I keep finding things in my writings that must be better, and must be improved.

Now, I've made another step, and time will tell if the time, money and pain are gonna be worth it.  I quit smoking (yet again) on Friday, and joined LA Fitness.

Yep, I'm hitting the gym.  The aim will be to have me work out three days a week, and I'll meet once a month with a trainer to see how I'm doing.  It didn't take long for me to realize that my decision to improve my health came not a moment too soon.

I am a physical wreck.  At 45, I don't look or feel right.  Not overweight, underweight probably, but my body is just not what it should be. 

We did a 15-minute workout to start, and it was hell.  I barely made it; but the trainer was cool, and said I did better than some...he said he's seen guys actually say they needed to use the bathroom halfway through this simple workout, then run like hell out the back.

I told him I couldn't do that to him; that would be a shame I'd never live down.  But I was in bad shape...and am going to be for a while.

Most of my problems are not serious ones...just have too much body fat, though it's hard to tell on me, and I need to get my inner strength and flexibility back.  They're gonna work with me, I just hope my body is up to it.

You'd think I'd be all right with it; I don't drink, don't use drugs, I'm vegetarian...yeah, the smoking is bad, but I've resolved to quit, and I'll deal with that. 

Because of how tight I am physically, I went back today for a short workout, in which I just stretched those areas that really hurt like hell, and also got on a bike for a while.  Not the progress I want or need, but it's a beginning.

I do enjoy this, though; it does give you a good feeling, and I hope I can keep it up without getting hurt or losing my drive.  The overall feeling is the important thing; I'm not out to impress anyone or get anybody's attention.  I just have to do this for me, and remind myself it is for me.

###

That said:  I hope to have Chapter 5 of "TAR" up soon...I hope also to have a few other matters taken care of.