Beautiful day, yes...and I'm having a hard time enjoying any of it. This is what depression does to you. It weighs on you, no matter what you do. What goes on around here I'm sure has a hand in all of it.
It took me 30 minutes of traffic jams and backroad running to get to the gym today. Route 30 is being held up due to road work along the area near I-83...avoid it at all costs. It's awful.
"RM Blues" by Jimmie Vaughan on the Walkman...I have to have it today, because of where I am.
"A Party (Dub Version)" by Big Audio Dynamite is next. I did finally make the gym and did a swim day. Did well, really; 40 minutes in the pool, more laps than I did before and I felt much better. It's coming along pretty well. I do feel a lot more awake, which is good; 13 days without smoking, also good.
I decided to see about getting my car stereo replaced. The Silver Saturn's factory CD player is none too subtly reminding me that it will melt down without warning, and soon.
The only place around here is Best Buy; after quite a while of trying out varied radios (which don't look or act like them at all), I finally settled on an inexpensive one that actually responds to basic commands. I have never liked these space-age stereos that do so many things; just too much stuff.
So hopefully those kids will get the thing installed, and I can make sense of how it works. It does give me one new advantage; I can plug my Walkman into the stereo, yay!
Around here, there's no place to hang, apart from a bar, and I don't need that. There is a Five Guys, and that's where I am now. Never been in one of these, because I honestly can't eat anything in the place.
#1, I'm vegetarian, and #2, they fry shit in peanut oil. I am deathly allergic to it.
It has given me a view of this mad little society I live in, this part of Dumbekistan. The Five Guys sounds like a factory, noise, noise, noise. Lot of loser type people in here, too--rednecks, and my God, you ought to see how many morbidly overweight people there are in this part of the world.
I'm not overweight, but I know my conditioning is not good; and my bodyfat %age is higher than it should be. Whatever the fat/muscle ratio is, but that can be corrected.
George Carlin did a great monologue on the fat people, the supersized society, etc. Damned funny, but also cutting. I have nothing against overweight people, as I once was one. Some people, and I have friends that are of this type, have serious health issues where it is not avoidable. That's fair and understood.
There are however a lot of folks I see that could have a little bit of control over it all; see 'em everywhere. The morbidly obese, who continue to stuff themselves with junk food, etc. They either don't know, or don't care.
You feel sad, and yet you also have to be conscious that is is not always a person's fault. Sometimes I wonder though.
Double shot of B.A.D.--"This is Big Audio Dynamite." Cool.
The need for me to be out and about has also left me feeling increasingly shut out of our world; I don't feel like I exist here, and I find I envy younger people their youth, and also the relationships, and the fun they seem to have.
I don't remember what that was like; I really don't know if I ever lived like that in my younger days. I don't think I did; I think I would recall it.
"Mermaid in the Night," by Jimmy Buffett...strange song, but a lot of his can be.
I know this is something I have to plow through...I do have things that would make me feel better, but they don't completely work.
A lot of the characters in my writings tend to be like me in that respect; I have an idea what others did who had "normal" lives, so that fits, but then there's the "me" in certain ones...I am sure that will read in a very strange way.
"Cigarettes and Alcohol," by Oasis. Ah, the past comes calling, heh.
Well, I have to remind myself (and I do this way) that I have done certain things in my past that could have been avoided; but then, I might never have learned hard lessons early enough, or not at all. Who knows what I would be like then? Would I even be alive?
I look out the window from this horridly colored fast-food joint with the terribly cheap seats and tacky decor, a place I would normally never come in, and see a nice day. I also see a lot of people that just are not my people.
I keep thinking, I need to move. But where to? I can't afford to live anywhere else, and I actually do like where I live.
The house is the thing...Jidda Krishnamurti (I think it was him) said that if you don't love your home, you won't clean it. I am not good at that, but it's not a biohazard. I think once again I must re-examine the place and make changes to it.
So I guess that's why I'm away from it a lot. My work schedule is as crazy as anything, so that's part of it, too.
"Diaraby," by Ali Farka Toure and Ry Cooder...great stuff.
Saw some photos by a friend of mine last night, and this touches on the youth thing...I have the bones of a song that might work out pretty well...there is another one I'm working on, too. Lot of songs, no one to play them with.
The Dharma Fools are going nowhere fast. Need to get Dan back into it with me; the duo thing may be the only way to get our stuff out there, and hope the rest come along.
So many projects, and I try my best to focus on them...maybe there are too many.
Had a long talk with my sister yesterday; we're all gathering in Vermont next weekend to see our nephew walk the aisle. That will be strange; the changes up there are ones that needed to be made, and I will have to take what may be my last look at the farm I grew up on. I hope not; Aubrey aims to farm and do it up right, but I wonder what is left for family farms. Not much on the look of it.
I will also be in Boston to see friends again, and hopefully get a jump start on the Sweet Dreams Series manga...not much has happened, and while I understand the reasons behind that, I do need to move on it, and on those responsible.
I have wondered what you (as you are reading this) think of "Take Another Road," the other project that I've been serializing here. Something good, not good, missing?
I know...NO VAMPIRES!
Fuck, I hope to ride out the vampire obsession...didn't that shit die in like 1994?
Oh well...I am wondering more about what else I must have going. The radio business still isn't finished with me, which I admit is kind of nice. At least it makes a few dollars, but never much. That does not concern me; the fact I'm still in it is good.
"I Wonder Where My Baby is Tonight," by Robert Earl Keen. Great music on the Picnic CD.
And...in my capacity as relief host for "Morning Edition" on WITF, I am pleased to note that my voice has caught some ears. I did one show Wednesday, as Craig Layne had a legitimate assignment to do. Not my best, but it was good.
I got resent a Tweet from a listener who liked the music I played near the tops of the hours...she dug it. Ronnie Earl and the Broadcasters works really well, as he primarily does instrumental blues and jazz...brilliant stuff.
Then, I got THIS email today, forwarded through a number of channels:
"Dear WITF,
I just want to express how happy I was to hear Tory (sp?) Gates on the radio this morning. My wife and I really enjoyed Tory when he was on regularly a few months ago and were sad when he was not made the permanent morning newscaster. In any case, thanks Tory for making our morning and we hope to hear more of you in the future.
Sincerely,
(Name Withheld)
WITF member"
Very nice. I'm not letting it go to my head, but needless to say when another slot opens up at WITF, believe you me I'd better be thought of.
Redemption, Part 3...here's Part 2; this was sent a few months ago, during a weeklong stint:
"Please, please, please - put Tory Gates back on the morning programs. His enunciation is impeccable. He speaks the way we should all speak."
Wow.
Now that one is something that made me think, and I have had to remind myself of it. Consider also that I only had a couple of speech communication classes in college (one easy, one damned hard), I don't know how I got that but for years of work and practice.
So you see, it kinda behooves me to stick around, and again be that voice you hear every now and again.
One more shot in this business? Yeah, it can happen.
As for the SDS...I remain confident that I will be published. NOT IF, BUT WHEN.
"So Far to Yesterday," by Jack Bruce and Robin Trower. Seven Moons CD...great music, find this if you like old Cream. You'll not be disappointed.
Okay, starting to feel a little better again...so up and down these days, with the weather, my working out, my sometimes uncertain position, and the feeling of never being sure of where or who I am.
I just can't quit...we don't quit, we're still here at end of the storm.
"Done it All," by the Bottle Rockets. About right, I have been here before. Just keep on, and don't worry so much I'm telling myself.
I don't know if these rambling thoughts mean anything to you, but I hope they are entertaining or useful. I'm not done or dead yet.
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