Showing posts with label Ahltyrra. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ahltyrra. Show all posts

Monday, September 30, 2013

"One Track Heart," Krishna Das, and Getting Out of Our Own Way

Well, it has been about an hour since I finished watching my DVD copy of "One Track Heart: the Story of Krishna Das." I feel a very strong sense of calm after viewing and listening to his life story, and told in just over 70 minutes.

I am not writing to do a critique of the film, and I am not going to fall over myself in the greatness that is, etc. There's no need.

Here is the trailer...the story of one man who traveled to India and was not planning to come back. A guy whose old band went on to become Blue Oyster Cult. The one who bonded with a guru who didn't want anything but love, because that is what he gave back.

You might have seen Krishna Das' performance at the Grammy Awards. You might have been amused, confused, even bored. The sound wasn't good. Also...calling him a "New Age Rock Star" is bullshit.

KD does address this issue in the film, as he addresses his depression, his drug abuse, and a whole lot more. You see a few people you might recognize, and you see in the concert footage something very few ever get to experience. I have not yet; I hope to.

Connection. 



KD talks about it...he is not singing to anyone but his guru, not to you, me or even himself. It is, as is noted an intimate conversation we are being allowed to listen in on.

I dabble in spiritual things, and I admit it. Buddhism, Wicca and the Indian devotionals, the music known as Kirtan. I mediate to kirtan, among other things, I work out to it, and I don't just listen. I try to let myself go there.

I took one of the traditional chants, "Baba Hanuman" and added my own words to it after watching a documentary. "All One" became one of the simplest songs I've ever written. In my old band Ahltyrra, it was one of our most requested songs. 

There was something about getting everyone on that wavelength, for the six minutes that piece lasts. Sometimes you reach it, sometimes not, but the fact you tried to let yourself go was a big thing.

I saw two old friends today, while traveling about to find a place that would let me use my wifi capability, haha...never found it, and I suppose that was meant because I'd never had gotten to where I did.

My former Zen Master, who I was saddened to see having some health problems. As ever, he remained optimistic and went with it. "Part of the process," he said. True.

Then right after my friend Dharma arrived. Yes, that is her Pagan name. I'd not seen her since sharing the pool at the gym some two years ago. We got caught up, and I started to see some clarity for other things.

In his book, "Chants of a Lifetime," Krishna Das has a chapter called, "The Movie of Me." In the film, I saw some more: it's not about us, it is more about what we do and why we do it.

He also said one of the biggest obstacles in his own life was to get out of his own way.

I have to do the same. Why do I remain in a dying industry? Why do I play music? Moreover, why do I write these books, one of which I'm finally putting out?

Hardly for the money! Would be nice, but not a necessary thing. Just enough would do. Either way, I do these things because I love doing them. Some more than others.

My lesson is to get out of my own way, and continue to answer the question of why am I doing this. 

We let things get in our way, and that becomes the obstacle. We are our own obstacle.

I have to figure out what I'm going to do with the years I have left. I have to make a living, until we figure out how to live without money. I especially do things, but to write, it is what I enjoy and love doing.

I hope that the stories I write get out there, that people are at the very least entertained just a little bit by them. If not, fine.

But I hope they're good enough that people like them, refer to them, think about them, and also see what the characters see: a lot of my characters are unusual, and seem a little extreme at times. Or they're just there. Well, there's a reason for that.

Each person is extreme, non-extreme, or just there. We all are.

I hope to live long enough to see these things come to pass, where people find characters they like and identify with, and then see what they go through. Not much different than you or me...if they can move forward, so can we.

My aim now is to get out of my own way, and let these things occur as they are meant. I'll do what I have to, but beyond that, there is not much else to say but...let us connect.

I reach for that connection when I write, perform, and even open the mic. Not for me, not anymore...I'm just a go-between.

Krishna Das is the vessel...the guru is poured in, or from the other end, you are poured in. One way or the other, there's a meeting there, and a message.

I'll get out of the way now, and see where it goes.

Here's a better version of what they did...if you can't get the vibe of this, I don't know what will do it:



Namaste.

Friday, December 7, 2012

December...and How I Could Not Stop for Death...& Other Stuff

Well, it has been some time since I have been here.  I am going to have to go backwards, but in a very short time, so forgive my issues with typos and horrid grammar.

I last blogged around the time of Samhain...and so jump to now.  Because I fucking can.

Magic Sam's "My Love Will Never Die" is playing through my brain on iTunes...okay, here's what happened yesterday.  I noted this on Facebook, and I've got some interesting reactions.

I saw DEATH yesterday.

I was traveling to Washington for the first time in over three years.  I exited 495 and got off at the Kensington/Chevy Chase exit in MD.  With  me so far?

Moderate traffic, midday, nothing serious.  I round the bend for the turn in the road, and there IT was.

Death.

In the median, right by the intersection.  I drove past It to the light.

I say IT, because I don't know the sex of that creature.

But all in black, hood, cloak, the whole damn thing.  A smaller figure than I imagined.

Instead of a sickle, It was leaning on a crutch.

I saw It.  I know what I saw.  I kept driving.

I wondered...did I really just see that?  Did anyone else see that?

"Designated Fool," the Artist Formerly Known as Terrence Trent D'Arby...haven't heard this in years.

I was reminded of my friend Mary Sue Twohy's beautiful vocal rendering of the Emily Dickinson poem...but it just didn't fit the moment.  Too sunny a day, I guess.

Well...that weirdness aside, I navigated my way into the District to WTOP Radio.  Dropped in on my old XM Traffic boss Jim Battagliese, who now runs Traffic and Sports there.  Got to see an old building with a very active and somewhat up to date newsroom.  

A real fucking newsroom, right down to the day's newspapers all lying about the copy table.  I was also reunited with my old friend Amy Freedman and Bob Immler; great to see these folks again.  It was from the high point of my radio career; I had a dream job at a dream place...and of course you know who and what managed to fuck that all up.

But I digress.

"Shadow of the Whip," Harry Manx.  Interesting, folk-like stuff.  Reminds me of Ray Wylie Hubbard w/o the growl.

Talked about the old days, what 'TOP is up to, the competition from WNEW, which really is not.  Radio talk, and talk of writing.

Jim is the author of Stuck in Traffic, which you will find on Kindle.  A film that just read like a movie in the earlier draft.  Names were changed to protect the guilty.

This was partly to see if there is any work left in the world down there. The radio business is a dying art, unless my predicted (yeah) implosion of at least two gigantic bloated companies occurs.  

I have my usual jobbing about going on, and I'll get to that in a sec.  My main reason to go to DC was to head for the Phone Booth (aka, Verizon Center) to see the Hershey Bears and Norfolk Admirals play an AHL showcase matchup.

I am the primary radio producer for the Bears this season, my third of working with them.  I got a nosebleed ticket; sadly, Scott Stuccio could not get me access to the press box, but that's cool.  

Navigating DC traffic is insane.  The streets are on weird angles, one way is always the way you don't want to go, etc.

But, I did miss the city, and once you park the car (and remember Metro really works).

"Rastaman Live Up" by Bob Marley just passed in a flash, and it's "Come Hell or High Water" by Everything But the Girl.  I love Tracey Thorn's voice.

Okay, the Phone Booth is a small arena, but there is no bad seat in the place.  Prices for stuff...now you know why salaries are so high, or is it the other way 'round.  

NINE BUCKS FOR A BEER?  I don't drink, but really.

I have to work today, so I left after the 2nd period.  Good game.  On my way through the city, I passed the Sirius/XM building (formerly the National Geographic one); the lights were on but I wonder if anyone's still home.

I was left to reflect on my nearly five years there; it was a great time of my life, and the ride back through the city and the way home I took so many times was something to remember.

I still don't think my career is done.  

"When I'm 64?"  Love the Beatles, but not this song.

"I Go Crazy," Buddy Guy.  Better.

So anyway, I wonder if my encounter with Death means something.  Is it the death of my livelihood; my career?

Now I have had all of two job interviews with that place in Illinois, which did not pan out.

I had a short talk with the manager of a station...get ready...wait for it...THE ALEUTIAN ISLANDS.

Yep.  KSDP Radio, 830 on your AM dial, in Sand Point.  They are doing a pilot project.  Six months.

It would be an interesting experience; but I've not heard back.

I have another i'view on Monday.  Wish me luck.

I still love this business, but it leads me to my writing, and what I want to do.

I have finished "Time the Healer," the latest draft.  Cut nearly 50 pages off the longwinded missive about growing up, violence, bullying, hatred and the ability to find a way to forgive others even at their worst.

Not that I have done that completely, mind.

"Bad Influence," Robert Cray Band.  Nice.

Now, I've done a needed edit of "Sweet Dreams:  Searching for Roy Buchanan."  After two years, a fresh look has resulted in a tighter story, with an added element to a scene.  Much better.

SDS-2 has been edited, but I need to again.  The real work on a re-examination and rewrite of the series is needed, really needed.

As I told Jim, this is what I have to do.  This is my therapy; this is my touchstone to sanity, or what little of it remains.

I came out of a not-good depression in November.  I turned 47 on the 1st; again my thanks to my family and friends for the more than 200 greetings I got on Facebook.  Really nice.

The interactions with people in DC reminded me of what I miss, and what I cannot find in PA.  Something is missing; a human element is not here anymore.

I have to get out of here.  If I stay, it is only for work, and I will adjust.

Oh...we may be getting the band back together.

Ahltyrra likely will not reform under that name.  I got to see my co-founder Beth for the first time in over a year, plus most of the family last week.  They're doing alright, and I was very glad to be around them.

Beth has decided the band is not for her.  That said, the Dharma Fools are a go for a meetup this month.  We will see who is game, and what we might do.

"Dime Story Mystery," Lou Reed.  Another death song.

Well, that's that for now.  Off to work.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Day 16: Riding Out the Storm

Here we are on June the 1st, and it is on a day such as this that it's decided to go dark.  We just got hit with a good downpour through the late afternoon, and it hasn't adjusted my moods.


I am now on the 16th day without my anti-depressants.  The first 30 days are the worst, that I know, and I'm feeling it.  


By the way:  I am NOT writing this to make YOU feel bad; nor do I wish to acquire your sympathy.  This is also NOT a cry for help; I'm okay, I'm doing what I have to do.  I suppose the main reason I am doing this is so that I can explain to you just what is racing through my brain in the absence of the medications.


Time will tell whether going off them was a good idea or not.  So many people are in one camp or the other:  either, it's OMG YOU HAVE TO BE ON THOSE THINGS FOR LIFE OR OMG WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.................


...and then there's the other:  OMG THOSE DRUGS ARE KILLING YOU AND DESTROYING YOUR LIFE AND OMG YOU WILL NEVER REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL AND YOU'LL BE SHUFFLING AROUND LIKE A ZOMBIE ALL YOUR LIFE AND OMGOMOGOMGOMGOMG...


STOP IT.  RIGHT NOW.


It's too fucking soon to know which is the right course of action.  I have to feel this is the right way for me to go, at least now.  If things get too extreme or dangerous, then I'll consider what to do about it.


I do not feel in any situation I'm going to require sectioning or any of that shit.  So let's get the white-coated orderlies out of our heads right now.


I do admit to going through a fair amount of cycling; what that to me means is that my body is over-adjusting or over-compensating to the stimuli that's attacking me.


I am again feeling the lows very strongly.  They are not good; I am trying to convince myself that these will pass, and that I will be all right.


I am not feeling the highs at all.  I generally don't anyway.  I have reasons to feel that way, but I'm not sure yet of how they are going to manifest.


How do I feel?  One moment to the next, different.  I have managed some small changes that will be good for me in the long run.  I got a fair amount of cleaning done earlier this week, and things look a little better.


More to do there.


Stress...the level is extremely high at times.  I'm getting wound way too fucking tightly over things that I need to remember and accept as being the way they should be.


Guess what one of those things is...wait for it...


COMPUTERS.


Oh that's a good one, isn't it?  Considering how much time I spend on-line?


I find I am not very patient with these little items.  If they don't work, I ain't happy.  I must also remember that computers are only as smart as those who program or use them.


Quite a few times in the past two or three days I've been ready to smash my laptop.  Or my home PC.  I mean smash and destroy it.


Childish, yes.  Destructive, yes.  Stupid, very much so.


Yet in those moments, your mind does not think so.


Just need to take a deep breath, and remember that in that time, you must be patient.  Exercises in patience.  Indeed.


Need to pull back from it, too.  Got to convince my brain to think a little more.


The cycling is an issue, because it does not allow me to think clearly, or straight about things that I have to consider.  It's nearly impossible to think for any length of time about things that I have to think about.  I have to focus on certain things, and it will not happen.


I have to regain command of that ability.


I'm also seeing and hearing the voices that I know are not there.  The images of people (especially my family) who used to mock me when I was struggling.  They thought they were being funny; they thought they were trying to bring my attention to what my behavior must have looked like.


FUCK YOU ALL.  FUCK EVERY ONE OF YOU.  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!


Ask my sister-in-law, who suffers from bipolar disorder; she has been, and I don't think it's a stretch, on the edge of madness for a long time.  Her issues are deeper than mine, harder to handle and harder to understand.  


I don't have what she has; thankfully I have not found myself there in the long-term in many years.  But I get it; oh, I get it.


So anyway...I've been sitting at one of the "Offices" for the past couple of hours, getting a few things in order.  I have been considering a bit of clean-up on the laptop, and that has been a good thing.


I have cleared tons of pages from my favorites that I don't need.  True, a lot of those were reference or resource sites for my writings, but I just don't need them.


I feel scattered all over the goddamn place, but that is what that is.  


I'm still working out, and I do feel a bit of energy returning there, and again, that has really been a good part of the recovery.  I'm not doing crazy shit like some of these people do (just look around and you see crazy everywhere)...none of this "I lift things up and put them down" shit.


My knees are a wreck, and I have to stay with the pool.  The bike is off-limits till this heals right.


Now how does one cope:




Check this out.


Krishna Das has given me a platform to get back to my Buddhist side...but then my Wiccan and Pagan sides are all a part of this.


I've been listening to "Breath of the Heart" and the CD included in his book, "Chants of a Lifetime."  This is shocking, in terms of what this does for me.


I am fucking moved.


Through what is offered, I was moved to write a song called "All One," which became one of Ahltyrra's most requested songs.  It is from a Hindu chant that is on "Breath of the Heart."  KD himself gave his blessing to my adding my own lyrics and arrangement.  It became something you won't believe.


I have also written another with this:




This is not something I just dove into.  I've been aware of this since 2006; it's been in and out of my life.


It is part of my meditation, and what I do.  


It's helping, believe me.


And while we're at it:  I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT "CHRISTIANS" SAY ABOUT THIS.


I know most Christians don't believe this, I truly know...but for those who can't get it:


THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SATANISM NOR HAS IT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING THAT IS A FUCKING THREAT TO THEM.


GET OVER YOURSELVES...NOW.


This is fucking saving my life right now.  If it keeps me from destroying all that I have or don't have, I'd say it's good.


Okay...enough of that.


I'd say to anyone who is struggling like me...if you can make it on your own, that's great.  If not, it's okay to ask for help.  When it gets really bad, if people don't get it, then they can't help you.


Keep looking.


It's all good.


Well, I feel a whole lot better after that.  Imagine.


Okay, thanks for reading, and know that you ain't alone, it might just take a while to go looking for it.


Good will hunting, or whatever that's supposed to mean.


Peace.





Thursday, April 12, 2012

Hmmm...

Well, it has again been a long time since I have been here to blog about.  I have a lot of things to write on, but I am not interested in posting and venting my spleen about things.  Too many people do it, and I am trying to find other ways to get rid of it.


The Office is playing the same R&B collection of like, 12 songs that have been overplayed throughout time, and so I've had to put on the iTunes again.  


Ironic, that the last song I recorded on my ProTools, "Forever Young" came up.  I wrote this inspired by a friend of mine in the midwest, and I'm glad she liked it.  One of many parts of many ideas for stuff I need to work on.


"Happy Loving Couples" by Joe Jackson next...


What am I doing?  I'm off soon to host "All Things Considered" on WITF, and then it's rush over to Clear Channel to produce the Harrisburg Senators home opener.  The latter was a nightmare this week, as they played in New Britain, CT and the phone line sucked balls.  We were cut off the air at least a couple dozen times.


My college radio station ran games off a phone line with almost NO issues...in the 80's.


I recently read on I think CNBC that "Broadcaster" is the 10th worst job in America.  For the money, and the fact that our business is dying.  Radio and TV jobs are drying up thanks to media consolidation, deregulation and the idea that "public interest" is actually in the eye of the license holder.  Which means, MAKE MONEY.  And make it by any means necessary.


Not always, but a fair number of cases.


"Knife Edge," ELP, live version.


But I'm still in it, and still looking for work in it because it's the only thing that guarantees money.  And that's for the paying of bills, and shit like that.  
I still love it; and I am a survivor I suppose.


The writing...hmmm...ideas keep coming for stuff I've already written, little things here and there.  That's always a good thing.  


As for "Time the Healer..."  I am well past the 400 page mark; I've decided to turn it into a trilogy so far.  I still don't know if this is even readable, but it is one long, undulating story that just does not end.  Yet there is so much to talk about, to tell, to get across.  I think it reads quickly enough, so you're in a situation where you don't know how much you've read until you look.


The Dharma Fools got back together to write last week; an old song, and two new instrumentals have come about.  I am still searching for players...and my mind drifted back to the Ahltyrra EP that we never finished.


Well, it's finished.  One track needs remixing...the four tracks really aren't bad.  I am tempted to remix the last one and turn it over to my old instructor and friend Shane Moore to do his magic on.  It would at least be a record that we accomplished something fucking good.


My relationship continues...Alice and I have agreed we get along damned well, and while we are a sight different than most "relationships," it works.  She has much to consider, as do I.


"Hang Fire," Stones...nice.


By the way...SHAMELESS PLUG!


www.torygates.com


Alice has begun the needed work on my website.  We'll get to the next part of content very soon.  Alice does wonders, let me tell you.  Need a site?  Think about it...


http://www.graphicalice.com/


Shameless plug for Alice.


Okay, I am watching the world go mad around me, ever yet again.  I have said time and again I need to get the fuck out of Dumbekistan; my eye narrows at the "people" who continues to believe that, as my old friend Jay Brooks used to say, "still think that Kennedy is president."


Actually, I always say Eisenhower.  So many people in the midstate believe that it's still 1952; the Communists are under every bed, the CIA is out to get them, and that black man in the White House is a Kenyan Secret Agent in league with the Commies.


Say shit loud enough and often enough, and people believe the lies.


Certain parts of the world are very susceptible to stupidity, some more than others.  What's even more hilarious to me are the people who try to justify hatred and ignorance by quantifying, qualifying and explaining away with theories and a turning of words and phrases in order to confuse others.


"Love's Like Rain," Paul Burlison and friends next...


What is bothersome is the justification of hatred, fear and paranoia as if it's good and healthy...even more weird.


Oh well, I have better things to do than worry about that shit.  I'm not worried; what happens, happens, and then you adjust.  


"Let's Get Funky," Hound Dog Taylor and the Houserockers...


Whatever the case, I think I'm gonna be sticking around a while longer.  Unless the opportunity of a lifetime is offered me, which I seriously doubt, or the first SDS book sells (which it WILL), I don't see myself going anywhere special.


It's not so bad, just have to remember it's you in this moment and no one else.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Take Another Road, Chapter 23--"Climb"

It's time now for Chapter 23 of "Take Another Road!"  Please read, and enjoy:

###


Chapter 23--Climb

            The Jaguar was an unusual sight in the streets of this neighborhood, and those who frequented the area paused to look.  They might have wondered who owned such a car and why they were here, but then went back to more immediate matters.

            “There it is,” Daisuke commented.  He noted the white mini-truck that was backed into the space beside the house.  “Shall I wait?”  He asked his rear-seat passengers.

            “No,” Keru replied, “I believe this may take a while.  We’ll call for you.”   

            Daisuke expertly pulled the Jag to the curb, then stepped out to open the rear door.  Nanae alighted, and Keru got out from the street side.  Together the two climbed the weathered stone steps to the door and rang the bell.  Madoka answered the challenge and welcomed both in.  After pleasantries and the presenting of a small gift, Keru was directed to the basement, while the ladies sat in the living room. 

            Squeezing through the narrow opening, Keru descended the stairs.  “Okuda-san?”  He called.

            “Please, call me Goro,” a cheerful voice returned, “and do watch your step, my friend!  Things are little cluttered down here.”

            That was putting it mildly, Keru thought as he reached the bottom of the steps.  Goro’s basement workshop was tiny indeed:  a high workbench was mounted to the wall, with a thin narrow lane for Goro to stand or move.  Behind him stood a lathe machine, a circular saw, plus other pieces of varied equipment.  The room smelled of fresh woods and chemicals of some sort.  He also noted a stack of flutes, all unfinished but ready for final action.

            The two shook hands and bowed, but Goro first wiped his off.  “Please sit,” he said as he indicated the high seat at the end of the bench. 

            “So this is from where all your work emanates?”  Keru asked as he continued to look about him.

            Goro chuckled.  “It does,” he replied.  “Even on the day the shop is closed,” he admitted, “there is work to do.”  He picked up one of a stack of flutes, and offered it to Keru for his inspection.

            Keru examined the detail work, and felt it in his hands.  “This is most remarkable, Goro-san,” Keru finally said.  “I’ve never come across one such as this.  It plainly has your marks upon it.”

            “Thank you.”  Goro nodded appreciatively.  “My father was a maker, and his father before him.  None of us were ever great players,” he added quickly, “but enough to find out if the work was good enough.”  Taking the instrument back, Goro played a short piece, which Keru recognized as a traditional one. 

            “Wonderful,” Keru replied and applauded when Goro was finished, “you are better than you think.”

            “You are too kind, Keru-san.”  Goro set the flute aside, and leaned against his bench.  “Which I think leads us to this moment.  How are you, and Nanae-san doing; and your children, of course?”

            Keru replied, “Nanae and I have had some long talks, and we are working on it.  Asuka has thankfully forgiven my sins, and she has embraced Minoru as her brother, but I knew she would.  I regretfully sold my wife very short; Nanae has taken to Minoru as her own.  All of us are doing our best to understand one another again.  But, Goro-san,” he continued, “I’ve lost my way.  So much of what I’ve accomplished in order to give my family a better life--I’ve rather lost what I was doing it for in the first place.”

            Goro listened with interest.  “I don’t think you are truly lost,” he replied, “you merely got sidetracked.”  Stepping closer, he explained, “You see, Madoka and I have always been side by side in this business, and this family of course.  We always wanted a child, and Aimi is the finest, no offense to other parents such as you,” Goro added in aside.

            “None taken,” Keru replied as the two chuckled.

            “We knew,” Goro went on, “that we would not become wealthy, even working together in this way.  I learned the craft of my forefathers, and it is one I love.  Madoka learned to paint from her family, and we do well enough.  We always have tried to bring Aimi up with the value that each person has something to give, to contribute to this world, no matter how humble that gift may be.  We don’t always know what that is right away; Aimi is unsure of her future, but we don’t push her.  She will know soon enough, and we hope for her to be happy in her youth, before she gets old like us and has to actually get into the trenches!”

            The two men laughed.  “I have learned more,” Keru replied, “in just these few moments than I have in years.  I was thinking as you spoke, of how my grandfather started this business of our family’s.  He began in a fishing shack down by the water; it was probably not much bigger than this room!  It was gone before my time, but I remember now the pictures he took of it.  My father showed them to us on occasion, and he always reminded us that we could be right back there if we were not studious at our work, and what we did.  That being said,” he went on, “there is a limit to how much one can do.”

            Goro nodded.  “So we’re not so far apart after all, eh?”

            Keru smiled.  “No,” he said and offered his hand.  “Thank you, Goro-san.  Your wife, and Aimi as well are like you, and you remind me of my family and our beginnings.  We must never forget where we came from.  I have, but I’m determined I will do what is right.”

            “Good,” Goro said, “but then I know you will.  I tell you what, let us go up and have some tea, before the women drink it all!”  The men laughed again as Goro allowed Keru to precede him up the steep and narrow stairs.

            The cards on the coffee table were spread out before the two women, and Nanae was explaining each of them.  “We have here,” she said, “a reading which shows where all of us I think are, have been, and could be going.  In certain cards, we have speed and strength--the Horse, and again Padmadakini shows up--the skywalker.”

            “Kaldera, no doubt,” Madoka replied.          

            “I agree,” Nanae replied.  “It was he who arrived in Asuka’s life, along with all the others, at a time when he was needed.  She then pointed out two cards side by side.  “The three of vajras and the three of double vajras are next to one other,” she said, “this is very interesting.  The first deals with pain and suffering, and the next tells of support and guidance.  It would seem all of us have had measures of that.”

            Madoka nodded.  “We all have,” she said, “and each of us finds a different way of handling it.  Aimi bore Kira’s passing with great strength, yet we all knew how much she loved that girl, and missed her.  They were both over at one another’s homes so much, her mother and I agreed that we’d introduce them as our ‘daughters.’”

            Nanae laughed.  “Ebissan was a dear friend,” she said, “and her sudden death was as shocking as it was painful.  Minoru hurt so deeply over it all, and Asuka was the only one that could really comfort him.  She would have, even had she known they were related.”

            “How is Minoru?” Madoka asked.  “How is he dealing with these changes, and Asuka as well?”

            “They are both well,” Nanae said, “and I made sure that Minoru knows that no matter what, I accept him as my son.  Stepson technically, but he is my son.  I can do no less than that.  He’ll be moving in soon, and Asuka and I are making his room ready.  Keru also is taking us on a sail this weekend, just the four of us, so we can be together.”

            “You are very forgiving, Nanae,” Madoka told her, “to forgive Keru for keeping quiet all these years, that is something.”

            Nanae shrugged.  “I have already made Keru suffer,” she replied, “by not sleeping with him!  But it is not in my nature to carry a grudge.  I do love Keru, very much; he is, despite what many think, a very compassionate and kind man.  He just needs to rediscover it.  Oh, and that I think is where this card fits.” 

            She motioned to the card that held the image of a woman.  “Yasodhara is the future empress,” Nanae explained, “the feminine principle, of desire and wants!”

            The two women shared the laugh as Goro and Keru came upstairs; they would keep this joke a private one.

            “Okay, Kaz,” Kaldera said, “start us up!”

            Kaz grinned and nervously began to strum the chords of his song.  He and the others were seated or standing on the deck in the late afternoon sun.  There was one other in the club today:  Marlie was back to stay at Kaldera’s for another night.  Having one professional musician to judge was tough enough, he thought; now there were two.

“My father told me when I was just a child, don’t lend your fancy to the wind…”



            Minoru played on acoustic as well, as Kaz made his way through the song.  As he played, he wondered about the words he’d had this morning with his parents.  He was up early to use the bathroom; before leaving for work, they asked to speak to him.

            Kaz had at first thought he was going to get a talking-to over that strange boy that was passed out on the couch, but his parents evidently figured out Minoru’s identity.  They stood near the door, his father, a stocky bearded man in his mechanic’s uniform, his mother, taller and thin, in her department store outfit.  Keeping their voices low so as not to wake Minoru, both told Kaz what he’d long suspected.

            “Your mother and I,” the father said, “will be separating.  We have talked long about this, and we can find no recourse.”

            Kaz looked to his mother, who nodded and said, “What remains of our marriage is worth saving, but not in that way.  There is much to consider, but we wanted to tell you face to face.”

            “We’re sorry.”  Both his parents’ expressions were of hurt, and Kaz could only feel for them.  “We have used you,” his father went on, “to take out our frustration.  Please believe us when we say that you are not the one at fault.  You have been a fine son, and you always will have us to love and support you.”

            Kaz found himself going to them both, and pulling them to him.  “I can’t fight you on that decision,” he said, “but I can love you both, and I will.  Always.”  It was so strange, that conversation; it was short and to the point, but then my parents have always been that way.  Minoru didn’t even wake up.  I don’t know what my home will look like in the future; I gather that Dad is leaving, but I’ve been given the choice to go in whatever direction is right for me.  I can wait on that; I will let things unfold as they should.

“But I pressed on and I lived to see the light

And breathed the wind of a new day

And though it took some time to see Dad just wasn’t right

I’ve learned to teach my kids to say…”



            Kaz kept his head lowered, his eyes on his fingers to make sure he didn’t slip up, but he could see certain people’s faces.  Aimi was smiling, as was Asuka.  We talked after visiting Kira’s grave; Asuka understands how I feel, but needs time to figure out where she is right now.  That’s all right; her friendship is more than enough.

“Don’t fear the climb though you may have to crawl

You’ve just got to fight on when you hit those walls

Don’t be discouraged if the battle’s uphill

There’s nothing stronger than the strength of your will



You’ll never know what you can achieve

Until you believe…”



            Kaz hit the high notes and dragged them out, Minoru doubled his own rhythm, and they ended with a flourish.  Everyone cheered, and Marlie applauded and nodded in approval.  Kaz looked to Minoru, and grinned.  He hadn’t believed his own words, at least not until now.

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(Writer's Note:  "Climb" is written by John Lauver, and was performed by members of Ahltyrra.  It has not been recorded.)

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There you have it!