"You Only Became What We Made You"

Greetings, all...forgive my not blogging for quite some time, but I have been busy. There are an awful lot of things going on for me, and as usual I feel like the only time I arrive here to talk about it is either because:

1. I for once have nothing else to do (not true in this case).

2. I am wondering if the world around me really does exist in this fucked-up state (kinda).

3. I am falling back into significant depression and am trying to find my way out of it again (BINGO!).

You would think I should not have anything to be depressed about, but do not tell me that, because it changes from minute to minute.

I am right now in a sort of mixed-manic phase. I know this, because I am jumping ahead, and then backward again in an effort to recover lost ground, and on account of my thinking too far ahead so that I forget things. Too many things.

So anyway...GeoTraffic has been keeping me busy. Very busy, in fact so I am traveling an awful lot right now. It's good, the money is good, and I am hopeful to have a more set schedule in the fear future.

My usual summertime depression is upon me. You won't really see it, but I fucking hate summer.

I do not like the season. I do not like dealing with what Mainers like to refer to as "Summer Complaints," i.e., TOURISTS. I am also not enamored with a lot of things. I mean a lot of things.

I had kind of a strange date the other day. I won't say who this was with, but needless to say we were sort of introduced, and we talked a lot in leading up to a meeting. Went well; nice person, intelligent, etc.

We are too different.

Isn't that interesting?

Well, yes it is true. We like each other. No attraction beyond that. Nothing.

Oh well, you can't really force these things, can you? I have no regrets, and I'm not going to be on the hunt, so bear that in mind. 

I realize that I am not the most outgoing of people. But I do not think I am unapproachable. I am perfectly approachable and willing to engage, unless you want to talk to me about religion, politics or THE DRAMA YOU THINK I CAN HELP YOU WITH.

Forgive me, but: DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR THERAPIST?

Now...in the midst of all this madness, I am trying to figure out what the fuck I am going to do next.

I have some friends (thank you all) who are "beta reading" my upcoming Young Adult work, "Drifters." One friend has been reading bits at a time, and so far she has been quite positive.

Waiting on the others. Also, I just finished the mind-numbing and migraine-inducing proof of "Drifters." Went alright. Christie Stratos, my Proof Positive reader, did a fine job and pointed out some issues. 

Now, there is another: "A Moment in the Sun." One reader says so far, I have set a very fast pace. Faster than she usually can handle. But she likes it a lot.

This is good; can't wait for the others.

Now...if you like, you too can be a beta reader, let me know. But bear in mind, if you agree you will read it and give me an honest view, no punches pulled.

I can take criticism, lots of it.

So there's still "Parasite Girls." I have not done any readings or anything like that because I honestly have been too busy with the real world. Sales aren't good, but I didn't expect that. This was an object lesson in learning what to do and not to do.

Efforts to get signings lead to nowhere, but I kind of keep at it.

I wonder what is the point. I am adrift in a sea of horrific romance novels, smutty fan-fiction and knockoffs of whatever is popular now. Everyone thinks they're the next great author. I'm not saying I am that, but I write better than a lot of this shit.

At least I hope I do.

Don't worry, this is the usual cycle of doubt, self-criticism and verbal and literary self-mutilation that I go through about every three months. Nothing's changed at all, folks, haha...

And of course...I have another idea...another very strong, bizarre idea for a story. Do I write it? Do I start writing it?

Argh.

That's where I am, folks.

The quote of the Who song is because I just got the 2013 Wembley Stadium performance of Quadrophenia. Review is good, but mixed. Sonically, fucking insanely good! Roger, well, his voice was not all there, but in his mid-60's what do you expect?

He is in finer form on his new collaboration with Wilko Johnson, "Going Back Home." GO GET THAT!!!

"You only became what we made you..." -- No, you make yourself, you allow yourself to believe THEY did it to you!

I make ME...I remind myself of this...

...away I go.

UPDATE: this makes me feel better. Be prepared.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=402370749884864

Too Much, the Magic Bus...

My Who quote begins as my Walkman opens fire with "Magic Bus!"  Nice...considering my plans today and this week.


I am at the Office, and since about 10 this morning, I have viewed all manner of humanity, and it makes me wonder.  It's not all bad, but it's enough.


Zen Master is here with the Bald One, two of the Wardroom regulars who have found their way back to the Office, now that it opens at 9 instead of 10.  Coffeehouse Preacher is here, and held forth on C.S. Lewis and other things to ZM.


A child-worshipping Mom was here with her nerdy homeschooled daughter.  They look exactly alike....


"Total Eclipse of the Moon," by Graham Parker...great fucking song, from the Don't Tell Columbus CD.


...George Carlin did a wonderful routine and discussion of the child worshipping parents.  My guess is that since school is in session, and because that poor kid looks just like her Mom, that she is homeschooled.  I have to tell you:  I am really strongly opposed to homeschooling as the only means of education.  Now, I do have a very good friend who is homeschooled, but I know enough about her situation to know why she is being educated that way.


Unfortunately, most homeschooled kids never learn how to interact with people who are different.  They have little understanding of the world about then, only what is drummed into their heads by overprotective parents who are breeding drones that are just like them.


I realize that is not always the case, but most homeschooled adults I've met by and large are:  ignorant, religiously/socially/politically intolerant, and some of them are downright racist.


Sorry to say it, but I can cite cases if you wanna know.


Okay, that rant is over and done with.


"So Many Roads," by Joe Bonamassa is next...ahhh...live album form Royal Albert Hall...a great performance, but overblown by certain showy tracks and a horn section that really wasn't needed.  But still great.


I sometimes like to look at the people around me in the Office, because I find them interesting.  ZM, Bald One, CP...they are the regulars in the Wardroom.  There's a bunch of folks of what I call the Laptop Generation, and I am one of them; we're all hooked up, wired in and in cyberspace, doing business, surfing, or...writing blogs.  Haha.


The comic relief today was provided by the two extras from "Jersey Shore" that walked in.  Father and Son...buzz cuts, beach tans, wifebeaters, knickers, and loud voices.  Like Father, Like Son...actually, they seemed like pretty nice guys from overhearing their brief exchange with the CP.


A member of OutKast is sitting nearby, working on his laptop.  Man, he really does look like one of those guys, the dreads, the glasses, everything.  Musical stuff, cool; I only saw from here that he was going over sheet music...wonder what he plays, I should ask.


I am gratified that my relationship with Alice has gone along well; we understand one another in a way that no one else has, in terms of me, at least.  It is scary, and this has been noted, that we are an awful lot alike, and do fit really well.  I cannot complain.


She also has a great sense of humor, and we understand much more than most people are willing to allow themselves too.  All very nice.


That said, I'm gonna miss her for the next two days.  I'm off to Annapolis for a "Writer's Retreat."


Several months ago, I read an article in "The Writer" magazine about what one author does every now and then:  just takes off and goes on a solo retreat to write, to get inspired, or to just make a change in routine.


"Grown Up to be a Man," by Pinetop Perkins & Willie "Big Eyes" Smith.  RIP, Pinetop, 97 or 98, still smoking right up to the end.  What a great one; glad these guys got the Grammy, they deserved it.


Now...the idea that the author (whose name I can't remember) had was to just find a spot, go there, and be there.  It can be anywhere that is isolated, comfortable, whatever; I chose Annapolis, because I have only been there once, and that was nearly ten years ago.  It's not far away, I have a cheap place to stay, and it's within civilization, if I need it.


My aim is to finish "Silk Road Days," at the very least.  After that, an editing and addition process is going to be needed.  This book has blown up into something I can barely comprehend and handle.  I've wondered if it should just be a manga, because it might work that way, but I decided to go all out and just write the story.


The story is now more than 500 pages...I've never written anything this long before.  My feeling is that I have a trilogy, or a three-part story, but I need to finish it.  It just keeps going and going and going, like the Energizer Bunny...


...I've been trying to put too much into one story again.


"Love Ain't for Keeping," Pete Townshend demo from Lifehouse Chronicles.  Not much different from the band version, really.  Townshend recently wrote that the one thing he'd have done different was not join a band, and work like Brian Eno has all these years.  Honestly, Townshend's demos are amazingly sharp and complete.  This demos is also only 90 seconds long.


"Aja," by Steely Dan.  Nice segue.


Okay...I think also I need to leave town.  I just worked two straight weeks (almost), and while I can't really afford this, my rent is paid and my bills are about to be in a few days.  I think I can deal.  


I do find myself in need of a change; this is a cost-effective way of doing it.  I'm not sure what I'll do besides write, but I'm guessing I'll act like a fucking tourist.  Haha...me, a tourist?  Right...


My traveling is limited this year, partly due to an odd work schedule.  WITF will have only occasional work as the backup host for "Morning Edition," though I may get some other stuff to do, with the recent shakeup there.


Radio PA is keeping me busy on the weekends, and Clear Channel has a few ball games for me to do.  Not a lot of work, but I can't complain.  It lets me do what I have to, bookwise.


Oh yeah...back to "SRD."  I have been plumbing the depths of my college experiences, but I don't suppose I've really touched bottom yet.  "Silk Road Days" is another of my Japanese anime/manga tales, but sorry folks, no time travel or mystic weirdness.  A human story, once again, or at least my best effort at such.


There are recurring themes of course, but I am examining things from different angles, and I'm hopeful that they remind people of what it was like, and how we may change over the years.  


I hope to have a good, compelling story that makes you turn the pages, but it's gonna be a lot of work.  Wouldn't have it any other way; besides this is not work, this is fun.


Still waiting on a certain publisher over SDS-1; we remain hopeful, but I will not hold my breath.


Springtime is here...hot as hell yesterday, and the weather has brought us less encumbering of the clothing...something I always enjoy.


Alice and I have discussed this, and we both look.  Yes, we do!  And it's okay, because we know what is okay and what is not.  We joke about it all the time.  


Some people can't handle that; too bad for you.


This is what you get, folks...every day a new venture in the world of the blogosphere...heehee.


Nawang Khechong's flute on "Wisdom and Compassion" ends this blog...very centering, lovely stuff...reports from the road, later...

A New Week...HERE COMES THE PAIN!

Well, it's a joke really...other than waking up the past two mornings feeling like someone kicked me in the temple with the heel of a boot, it's not been so bad.


The weekend...Saturday off, concept.  B/C's wedding was a great success, a wonderful ceremony, and got to see a whole lot of old friends.  


More questions about the Dharma Fools.  I'm taking steps to deal with the matter of Sunday nights...more on that later.


I spent a lot of Saturday listing to my German Import, 40th Anniversary Box Set of the Who:  Live at Leeds.  Blisteringly loud fucking rock and roll!  The whole thing, lovely; have yet to get to "Live at Hull," the concert from the next night, both CDs of that.


The 60-page monster book that accompanies the box is awesome; it also includes a poster I must get framed, and vinyl.


Yes, records, remember those things?  A re-release of the original 6-track album, and a re-release of the single of "Summertime Blues" and "Heaven and Hell."  Nice...


Sunday...extra hours at work, and the Super Bowl...okay, SB 45 was an excellent game, one of the better ones.  Congrats to the Pack, they were the better team and peaked at the right moment.  I really had no horse in the race, and just hoped the game was good.


The Commercials:  the Audi one, "Hit 'em with the Kenny G" was brilliant and the best.  The Eminem commercial on Detroit was good; didn't know it was him until he got out of the car.


The Worst:  the Pepsi and Doritos commercials SUCKED!  The Pepsi one with the pug was cute, but you knew what would happen.


Movie promos, pretty good.


The Halftime Show:  yeah, I watched it.


The Good:  Slash!  I disagree with my friend Becky on Fergie doing "Sweet Child O' Mine."  She did it well.  The group itself was pretty tight.


The Bad:  USHER!  Who the FUCK brought that loser in?


The Worst:  THE IDIOTS IN THE LIGHT-UP COSTUMES!  I THOUGHT IT WAS A LITE-BRITE ON ACID!  BORING!


This is why I don't go to concerts anymore:  if I want to see lights, dancers, jumping around and NO BAND, I'll go to a Broadway show.


But the game was great.


Okay...back to the Office.  Saw two old friends, Tina and Lynne; got to chat with them a bit.  The Coffeehouse Preacher and Loudmouth were here to fill up the Wardroom early, and of course going on about the SB, the commercials...the Preacher's self-righteously offended about the Tibet commercial.  It wasn't exactly quite a good idea, but be real.  He's just showing off.


Now...I've finished my edit on "Out Among the Stars."  I'm thinking after talking with Lynne, I need to consider getting out of the adult novel thing.  I've now written three with adults in it, and there's been some serious self-examination.  Maybe not enough; need to dig deeper, but I'm not sure if that will work.  Yet.


I've talked to the boss at WITF about doing just the early shift on Sundays, most of the time so the DF's can play again.  See what goes on there.


Back to TrafficTalk; see how the buzz is going with that, and see if we get a few more calls...

The Week, Stuff, the Weekend, the Super Bowl, Beth/Chip's Wedding, and the Who...

It has been a long and busy week...a new routine means getting up in the morning.  Odd, doing that after nearly 2 years of not having to.


I have been busy, very busy...TrafficTalk has kept me so in the DC area for the afternoons, and slowly we are getting a bit of traction in the blogosphere.  


Doing another mad edit of "Out Among the Stars."  It's slowly taking shape and getting a little better, but there's much more to do with it.


It's been weird, all of it...right now sitting in the Deatheria Mall parking lot while Kaitryth does her shopping.  My semi-pro driving job still exists, as her Neon is pretty much dead.  But it looks like she and Chris will save the house, so all's good.


A rare Saturday off, but there's a reason.  Tomorrow, during the sleet, freezing rain and snow promised for the day, the Silver Saturn will hopefully take me up the hill from my house to Rocky Ridge Park, where Beth and Chip will finally get married!  Oh, such fun...it won't all be "outside," but it shall be a joyous day, and we'll see lots of peeps we have not seen in too long.  Congrats in advance, you two!


Sunday, I will be working for KYW/WITF, and oh joy of joys, I get a couple extra hours, and I'll get to watch Super Bowl Ecks Ell Vee and do updates on it.  Oh joy...


I don't even care who wins this game.  I think the Steelers have the inside track to win, but the Packers have a very explosive team on both sides of the ball.  Should a great one...or a total blowout.


I do NOT care that Christina Aguifuckilera is going to moan the National Anthem, nor do I give a fuck that the Black Eyed Dimwits are doing the halftime show.  As it's at Cowboys Stadium, the running bet is Fergie will wear a Cowgirls Cheerleader outfit...that may, or may not be worth watching.  Note I said "watching."


Even more sickening...Obama will be interviewed by O'Reilly.  That will suck balls, because O'Reilly is a coward at heart and won't try to interview Obama...and Obama's too professional to tell O'Reilly that is a misogynistic dirtbag who has no moral fiber or character.  Add to it, Obama has this "I'm Cool" mentality that either makes people love him or hate him.  Who the fuck cares?


I don't.


My real life is a bit more important than all that, thank you very fucking much.


So yes...I do have to consider the making of a living again.  I'm not starving, nor in any financial trouble, thankfully.  I can hold off the bill collectors for now, and they don't have to know how I'm doing it.  My credit rating is sound, for what I don't know.  No need to buy a house, or a car or anything big.


Well, except one thing...I had been eyeing this Who box set, behind the registers at the Office for a while now, but I didn't know what it was.


Got my 40% off coupon, my Borders Bucks and my 10% off 'cause I'm there...I was first in line at checkout (lame, I know) to ask if I could see it.


Oh my...God.


Box Set, German Import of Live at Leeds, considered by many to be one of the greatest live recordings ever.


Not just the Leeds show (all of it, including all of Tommy); the Hull show that they did the next night; a vinyl reissue of the original, six-track EP; a vinyl 45 reissue of Summertime Blues/Heaven and Hell; a poster of Townshend, a 60-page book, and fuck knows what else is in there.


Got it for 50% off...yes, I rock.  And that box sure as hell will.


I've been trying also to stave off the Black Dog; it's been creeping back, but not with much success, thankfully.  Certain little aspects of my personal life it's nipping at, and I'm doing my best to keep it at bay.  


Urg.  It's not fun.  I've been doing so well for a while now.


I do realize that my personal life is not a very good one; other than I still do smoke on occasion, I think healthwise I'm all right.  I don't have the money or the incentive to do things that other people do, i.e., bars (don't drink), clubs (boring), movies (even more boring...all I see now are fucking remakes in the theatres, fuck that), and other shit people do.


Yes, I hang at the Office a lot, because it is where I can sit and read, edit, write and enjoy very well made coffee/espresso drinks for very little money and enjoy my time around the human race.


Now, we hear that Borders is facing bankruptcy.  Not total closedown mode; more like 150-175 stores may go down.  Not this one, hopefully.


Oh well...that's life in the breakdown lane, as my old radio friend Jess Hamilton used to say.  Away we go.