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Thursday, December 29, 2011

2011--Where the Fuck Have I Been?!?

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged.  Since there hasn't been time, you should not be surprised at all that.

I don't really want this to be a Year in Review, but there's a lot to think about for certain.  I think it's going to be a jumbled mass of thoughts and ideas.

How much has gone much has not as well.  I remember saying at the beginning of the year it would be my year; in some ways it has and in others not so much.

Hardly complaining, though.  Let's see if I can figure out the important factors of 2011 before we enter the dreaded 2012.

(Before we go further, I will let you know right now:  I DO NOT BELIEVE THE WORLD WILL COME TO AN END IN 2012, AT ALL!)  Okay, with that out of the way:

The working world remains elusive to me, in terms of full employment and the new brass ring, which is health insurance.  I'll talk about that in a minute.

I got a great opportunity at WITF; the chance to host NPR shows.  I have received some very nice reviews from friends and strangers who have heard me hosting "Morning Edition" and "All Things Considered."  I'm most grateful for compliments and criticisms, and there have been a few.

My reputation of sounding like I know what I'm doing is being put over well, hahahahah!  I also have garnered a reputation for playing some interesting "bumper" music.  If you listen to NPR, you hear strange bits of music they use between segments.  

When you hear me talk, you hear MY music.  It's different stuff, instrumentals and such.  It just comes from my CD collection, most of it is stuff most people would never hear, and it gave me the chance to play Ronnie Earl and the Broadcasters a lot for you!

Also got to play a bunch of Neal Schon, Dave Huttlinger, Santana and Frank Zappa.  Yes, to that last one...heh.  It's become what I do, I guess.

But anyway, the chance to do the NPR thing was one of those jobs that I never thought I had the skill or the "in" to get to do.  My sports job for Radio PA on the other side of the cubicle row, plus a few words of encouragement (thank you Rob Wilber) set me up for it.

So that plus sports jobbing at Clear Channel give me work, but not enough to live on.  I'm not dying, but it's a matter of hanging in there, and still trying to find work that'll cover the bills.

Insurance is now a needful thing; what I buy doesn't count for much.  I will be getting hit with bills for most of my colonoscopy this time.

For those who don't know, I suffer from Ulcerative Colitis, and have since 1994.  I am not sick from it anymore, it's in hand, but I have to get screened every two years because of the possibilities of colon cancer.

This last screening found something that if left there, might have become cancer.  It's gone, so it's all good, but it's not something I take lightly.  Both of my parents died from cancer, and there were probably others on the family tree that dropped from it.

My other health problems have finally been again raising their ugly heads.  The past two months, I was unaware of how badly I was losing the plot.  My depression has been under good control for a long time...but then the anxiety started kicking in.

Ever get that feeling of being overwhelmed, silently?  You have so much going on, and your brain just shuts off.  So you don't remember anything.  Or you have a tunnel vision where there is nothing going on but that one thing in your own universe.

Well, I have had my Zoloft dose doubled; I feel a lot more calm.  A bit better focused, but I worry that it may take away my energy.  It will take a while to get used to it. of today, it is my six-month anniversary of joining a health club and quitting smoking.  For the latter, I still bum one now and then from friends, but I have been surprisingly free of it.  I have been swimming primarily, doing some cardio work, the sauna and other things.

I feel better than I have in 20 years.  I've lost fat, put on some muscle, and I've dropped about 12-15 pounds.  I really do feel great.  Of late, I've not been able to do as much in the pool as I have for a while; either the dreaded plateau, or my body is still adjusting to extra Zoloft.

Then there's my personal life:  my meeting Alice has been a huge blessing.  It is true, we have been on and off the past several months.  We are not "an item," at least not any longer.  But we are good friends, and that has been a huge help.

Alice is more intuitive than even those people who claim they are; she has her own issues going, but she's been able to tap into things with me, and push me in directions I've needed to go.  It may just be she is the first person in years to either have the smarts or the balls to tell me what I needed to hear.

Always nice; I am indebted to her.

Now, that leads me to associations.  I left Moonsong Coven earlier this year; a decision I put off for some time.  The last cable has been cut, and while I miss them, I left in good standing and the proper way.  No regrets; all good.

My spiritual side has been reading Krishna Das' Chants of a Lifetime:  Searching for a Heart of Gold.  Great story of searching and striving; it always goes on.

It's helped bring me back to the chanting that has helped inspire me and keep my head together.  I remain Buddhist, Wiccan, this/that/other; I too keep searching and trying to stay mindful.  Not easy, but you keep doing it.

I have not seen much of the old gang, and I do miss them.  I think however I have had to move on, and let a lot of things go the way they've meant to.  I don't know what any of it means; it is possible that work or real life will move me out of Pennsylvania, but I don't know yet.  

It does not have to; but I need to see what comes next.

Writing:  my agent is still pushing the Sweet Dreams Series, but I wonder now if there's more we must do.  Need to stay on the collaborators, because I think some visual stuff will be a need.

I finished a 600-page draft for Silk Road Days earlier this year, and I've edited it some.  More there I need to do, but it has something special.

Parasite Girls I think also has potential in the adult mainstream fiction market.  I need to consider the projects and what to do next.

Music:  Dan and I still get together to write and play, but nearly everyone else has been busy beyond belief.  What is next there?  I really don't know; not quitting, but wondering.

So it has been one hell of a year; I'm still running through it all and trying to figure out where it all leads.  But that's how it is; you can't just say this, that or the other will happen.  You have to make it happen, and I need to refocus.

Same as always.  Life goes on.  Hope your '11 was good, and we can do what we need to make '12 even better.

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