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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

5 Weeks Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is five full weeks w/o the you know whats...and I'm cycling down from another rush of anxiety, depression and agitation.  It is a destructive thing, but once you come out of it, you find you're still hear.


iTunes stuff...after bashing through "Girl Anachronism" by the Dresden Dolls (see previous post for the video), I couldn't bear to hear stuff from my old band, Ahltyrra.  "Doctor Brown" by the Original Fleetwood Mac came up...knockoff of Sweet Home Chicago, pretty much.


Okay...we're hitting on five weeks.  The past several days my lack of focus has led to me causing myself more issues than I had at the beginning, isn't that funny?


I'm generally clumsy when cleaning...I'll make more of a mess than when I started, and have to do that, too.  Mindfulness training does not always work when your mind cycles, and you are trying to get things done, and you just plow into everything.


I'm glad for spellchecker...my fingers don't type well, even with years of training.  I took typing before it was fashionable and necessary, and there were few boys in my typing classes, believe me.


Anyway, my fingers don't always adjust to my laptop here, and then they don't go back to the keyboard on my PC, either here or at work.


Crank these normal things up by about 100 times, and you know what I'm dealing with.


"Warboys," Queen/Paul Rodgers...this has been considered a horrid album, and Queen purists hate it.  I do agree that while Freddie could sing some of those songs, some are not fitting with him.  But Freddie's dead...the other guys have a right to do music, damn it.  I think some of the songs are very good.


I managed to kill my PC; well, it was having its own issues, and I compounded the error by inserting the wrong reclamation disk.  Guess what happened.


I got it back last night, not from the Geek Squad (losers) who left numerous things unplugged from the last time (NO WONDER MY HEADSET MIC DIDN'T WORK, AND I COULD NOT HEAR A FUCKING THING...THANKS, LOSERS!); there's a local chain that for very little money worked it up.


Of course, I tried to plow ahead and re-fix things that I wanted on there, to which nothing occurred right.


Alice is coming tomorrow to fix it up, and get it to run the way it should, so I can do my writing, my on-line stuff, and my new endeavor eventually.


Also have to hope we can save the iTunes.  I'm running off my laptop account, which is not the same, thanks to the Cloud issues.


"Suspicion," by Asia.  Arena rock time, folks!


My iPod has all the music uploaded that had once been on the PC...now, can we transfer it from the unit to the computer w/o losing it all and starting all over again?


The worst can happen...it often does.  But that is a habit I must quit on.


The writing thing is also troubling me...I feel it very hard to trust certain people, where it is concerned.  


To explain:  the first book of the Sweet Dreams Series is being worked by my agent.  There has been some interest, but no deals.  Two publishers are looking at it, but I'm not sure what they think.


Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere came a request for the manga portion.  Two point five years after approaching, they're back...well, I have had to again push my collaborators to provide me something.


I can't go into all that.  Suffice to say, Jen has provided some pencil sketches that look quite interesting.  There'll be more, plus my six-page proposal outlining the grand scheme.


Well, that is almost ready; a little more to add.


They want to see it, now.


A bit of "Karn Evil 9," from a live ELP recording of some 20 years ago.  So we're getting this together...and here comes the paranoia.


This was sent to me by Alice:  http://indiereader.com/2012/06/how-amazon-saved-my-life/


Very tempting, to just cut loose, but then I have the contract with my agent, the issues surrounding it, and the possibilities of all that could go wrong.


The mainspring inside me gets tight...real tight.


"Dirty Little Thing," Velvet Revolver.  Yes!  Feels just like that!


I see it all going to shit, even though I know this will not happen.  I've not signed any rights away; no one has taken anything yet.  AND THEY WILL NOT.


Here's the thing that pisses me off about traditional publishers.  They, like record labels and TV execs, look for what fits a market.  But they don't always know.


The author of the above, Jessica Park is right:  WRITERS WRITE FOR THE READERS, NOT FOR A PUBLISHER.


You want another fucking knockoff of Twilight, do you?  Just look at your slushpile; there must be a hundred of them there!  Who cares if one of them sucks balls, the stupid people will buy them.


And they do.


Record labels sign their version of the NEXT BIG THING.  Prepare for the onslaught of Justin Bieber/Carly Rae Jeppsen brats who can't fucking sing, but look cute.


I am not part of that.  My stuff on the surface is not terribly difficult to digest, but if it is marketed toward Young Adult or YA, I am afraid of the Big C.


CENSORSHIP.


"In the Air Tonight," hmmm...despite all claims of the YA world being open minded and shit, they are not.  Swearing, sex, drugs and especially homosexuality is right the fuck out at a lot of 'em.


Well, Book 1 isn't so bad.  Book 2, well...


...I dare not sign an agreement for more than the first book because I know what will happen...or I think will happen.


They will tell me that I have to change characters, change the relationships, the sexual whatever they find or it's not marketable.


SORRY, NO DICE.


My stories are NOT offensive; at least I don't think they are.  I did my best to create the world I wanted to see, with some feet on the earth kind of thing.  The characters are not perfect, because we're not.  They make mistakes, they do and say dumb things, they err.  We all do.


Believe me, these are good stories or I would not be typing like this right now.  I have never felt so confident in my entire life about any fucking thing I have done.  This includes 27 years in radio, many years in theatre, and what I've done musically.  This is fucking it.


I am probably wrong in a lot of my assumptions.  When you feel like this, it takes you down.


Now...all of this having been said...I am finding again a way to as we'd say in Moonsong, 'ground and center.'


"A Change is Gonna Come," Shannon McNally.  Kind of a deep, resonant singer; Bonnie Raitt, and Lou Ann Barton are two voices I think of.  It's good stuff.


Weird how those titles pop up.  Alice's email tonight explained what she saw, and as usual she's brutally honest.  I did face the issue, and I worked through it today, as I have.  I know I have, and I have to keep doing it.


Most of what I fear is not going to occur, probably.  I have to hope that the publisher that wants to see the manga will put that forward.  That would be great; it would be excellent to give the book version of SDS-1 a push.  It would grant credits to Riz for all her help, and get Jen a platform to show the world how talented she is.  All down the road.


Bookwise, I've considered self-publishing.  Vanity Press, they call it; that label has changed, though.


If you pay a company to print copies of your book, that's a VP.  No editing, no promotion, no help but for your writing, and you're saddled with a thousand copies you have to hawk if you want your money back.  


"Angel Eyes," Kenny Burrell...a guitarist I've always admired.  Great stuff.


Vanity publishing is a dangerous thing.  I've seen too many people sitting in bookstores with a table full of badly-produced books, smiling in the vain hope that someone comes to buy their stuff.


They usually leave with the same amount of books they came in with.  Sad, but true.  


What struck me (and I learned this) was that these folks didn't give talks about their works; they didn't read from them, they didn't take questions from a small audience.  How else do you get the point across, and sell what you've got to sell?  You may have a wonderful story; but if you don't present it, what have you got?  Not much.


My friend Don Chase is on Amazon.com with a Kindle deal, of the kind that's talked about above.  He does not get as many sales as Ms. Park, but he has done pretty well for an unknown author with just one title (I think) out.  Don was also very kind with his advice and his time; he helped sound it all out for me.


I could do this, with other books I've written.  I will think about it; not yet.  The time is not yet right.


I need to be patient.


"Hold On Baby," old track from JJ Cale.  Another real good one.


I must see how the manga publisher takes it.  I feel good about it.


The others that are interested in book form; I will hold on, and see.


My contract with the agent runs into early 2013.  I don't regret working with her; she's worked hard and I've had her back when others have questioned her skills, experience, even her competence and motives.


She has my back, I have hers.  Fair is fair.


We'll see...more time is needed to think, and get the ideas in shape.


Tomorrow it could all be different.


Sometimes I feel like this:






This is the last segment of "Stephen Fry:  the Secret Life of a Manic Depressive."  It is an award-winning documentary on Bipolar Disorder; I am not bipolar, but I urge you to go to the beginning of this on Youtube and watch it.


It will explain so much.


The young woman in the image arrives at about the six-minute mark.  Some of what she deals with I feel deeply.  In fact, Stephen's own battle is well-chronicled here; and that of other public figures, and some not well known.


This video has helped me a lot; it has given a face to the terrible bouts of depression and what seems like madness.


I've written about this in my story Parasite Girls, and it pops up here and there throughout my writings.  The clip catches Stephen in one of his up moods, and you see what others deal with.  The girl above has it bad; not as bad as some, but I know the feelings all too well.


It is painful to watch at times, but one must.  


Nearly lost this blog a while back.  "We the People" by Guitar Shorty is on...


So yeah...here is where we are now.  I again must pull back and not let these things tear me apart.  Without the Zoloft, I am at times wracked by the stress and the insane feelings that should not matter but do.  This is war.


I am optimistic that the manga publisher will like what will be proposed.  I aim to have all the parts tomorrow night to send away to the agent and the publisher.


We shall see.  Meanwhile, for now I must wait on the other.  But I can lay groundwork for the other things I'm doing.


And trying to stop and look back, and forward too w/o expecting myself to perform miracles.  


###


Other things...job hunting in the radio biz is never fun, especially of late.  It's a dying industry it seems, but we are survivors.  I have a bit of work Friday, a bit next week, and after that, who knows?


I have no specific prospects at this point; again, wait and see.


And try not to go too crazy with worry, or with sudden boundless optimism that takes away my better judgement.


This is how it is.


###


I end on sad notes...my friend Aimee Johnston is hospitalized after being hit by a car outside her home.  She has suffered terrible injuries, and faces a long road of recovery.


Then even worse:  my old high school class and bandmate, Brian St. Cyr was found dead on Sunday.  We don't know for sure yet what happened; I suspect health issues, but I do not know.


I wish only good for them, and their spirits.



Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Heading into Week 4...and Other Observations

Someone needs to tell me what colors work best on here...I've been warned that RED is not a good color.  Bad on the eyes.  Is this one okay?


Well, it is now almost four weeks since I stopped the meds, give or take a day or two.  I have to tell you, and I don't think I've made this plain enough...withdrawal from this is KIND OF LIKE THIS:




This is the Dresden Dolls, Amanda Palmer's old band.  "Girl Anachronism" pretty much sums up what it feels like.


It's that fucked up.


Anyway, the last day or two I'm finally starting to feel a better sense of control.  I'm not freaking out as much, not ready to erupt (my favorite word), and not feeling like I want to destroy things.


iTunes just went from something by Kronos Quartet to "Perpetual Motion," by Anthrax.  Interesting segue.  But my life has been that the last 20-some days.


Finally starting to clear up a little.  I spent much of yesterday afternoon-evening dragging my cheap Office Max desk/table combo out from the wall, and re-arranging it.  I did this for a nook-like space in the Vibe Room, but also to compromise with the cats.  They can still leap madly into the air, land on my table and bounce up to my old desk at the windows so they can watch Bird TV...without destroying too many things.


Still too soon to know if this is going to work...I was very close to quitting and just going back on the meds.  I resisted because I had to get rid of what's in me.  And I came out the other side; like most of us do.


Psych!


I have before me notes on my writings, on my regular tasks, my workout schedule, and my work.  You know, the one that makes money...whatever that once was.


I also managed to fuck up my desktop.  Alice is coming down tomorrow to see if it can be saved; if not, she has a refurbished laptop for me.  Bless the Woman.


Had a lovely Sunday evening...oh God!


"A Love Song (from a Different Point of View)" by Jimmy Buffett.  You get to figure that one out.


But yes, we had a nice evening meal, out by her new fire circle.  Really well done, and a good time.  We both have been helping each other out, though our relationship is done.


The other aspects of it are good, quite good.  Same old; we're better as friends, but I am okay with that.  She is finding what she needs to, as I do.  Together we'd never do it; apart, we can and we are able to compare our notes.  All good.


I have other things I need to deal with...still trying to clean up around here, making space, creating better space.  Very slow process, this will be, as my limited ability gives to me.


She found for me a very unique book called "The Bit Ching."  It's written by Russell Slocum and a second PA author, and is a take on the I Ching.  It is helpful in so many ways, and incredibly useful.  Take it in bits, really; they even have a chart to use.


"It's My Own Fault," Johnny Winter...something from "The Progressive Blues Experiment."  Nice...


Oh, I can go off on fucking iTunes, and Apple in general!  I think I will.


Heard of "The Cloud?"  Well, understand that Apple thinks you know as much as they do about everything; and we don't.


Cloud supposedly stored some 18,000 of my songs from my now comatose PC.  The iMatch thingie was supposed to match up these songs, plus the however many I had on my MacBook.


It did, and it didn't...half the songs didn't match, and had to be uploaded by manual pushing of the button.  Many didn't load after that, because the files were corrupted.


I finally had enough when it started wiping away tracks and play counts, and fuck knows what else!  


Apple does not really want to talk to you, you know.  After a lot of flips and twists, I managed to find someone to talk to; nice young lady, and very cool.  She could feel the heat coming down the line, but I was polite.  She asked a very interesting question...wait for it...


"What is your Mac OS X whateveritis?"  You know, 10.5, 10.6, Lion, Snow Leopard, Crouching Tiger, Honking Blue Wildebeest, etc.?


I tell her 10.5.8, or something like that.  I think that's what it is...I get this...ahhhhhhh...down the line.


WTF is that? I wonder.


"Your Mac cannot handle iMatch.  It needs to be at least Lion or whatever..."


NOW THEY FUCKING TELL ME.


OK...well, I cancelled out of the fucking thing, and to Apple's credit, I've gotten my refund.  Very nice.


Oh...Fuck!  All that stress for fucking nothing.


And to top it all off, I did something to kill my PC, or kill what was on it.


Thank Heavens for backups...jump drives, external hard drives and all those other lovely things.


If not, my life's work would have been lost and I'd have shot myself.


My writings are safe, thankfully.  


I am skipping "Hair of Spun Gold" by Janis Ian.  I just do not want to hear it.


"Ugly Beauty," by Thelonius Monk is next.  Better.


But well, I did lose a few things, but nothing that I don't have someplace else or can't get back.  It could have been worse; much worse.


Phooooo...now let's see.


I've taken advantage of some time by getting my debts paid off.  I had resisted the urge to dip into my savings, but things now dictate I must do this.  It is a load off my back; used to be I could just pay as I went, and this was a game to see if I could handle the pressure and stress of the debt destroyer again.


Not yet, I guess.  Whatever.


I have to admit, when it comes to my writings, it's very hard to return to them.  I must also confess a little envy when I hear of friends who have published or friends of friends who have.  


Is my stuff not that good?


Is it incomprehensible but to those few who've read it?


Or are they all just bullshitting me, in order to not upset me?


No...I know what I've got is good, and I have more to do.  Must also be patient, and yet not too lazy, either.


I don't know if you've ever seen this, but if not:




This is the trailer for "Deep Water," a film about the first nonstop round the world solo yachting race.  It mostly deals with the mad story of Donald Crowhurst, who looked ready to win one of the two prizes, when suddenly...he disappeared.


This is a great film.  The people who raced, those who were involved, all of it.  The yachtsman and legendary sailor Bernard Moitessier was one of those involved, and he quit the race to sail again round the world, making it 1.5 times before landing in Tahiti.


Crowhurst's story is more compelling...amazing, fascinating, and scary.  


You should be able to buy this cheap, or rent it.  Well worth it.


I took away a lot, and especially the quotes by Moitessier.  These were chronicled in his book, "The Long Way."


I feel compelled to watch it again tonight or tomorrow.  Maybe I need to.


"Your Wildest Dreams," Moody Blues Live at Red Rocks...isn't that a sign?


It ain't over yet...to quote Bernard, "I know where I am going, I feel it deeply..."


If there was more to tell you, I can't remember it.  Not important, I guess.







Wednesday, June 6, 2012

21 Days + a Bonus Rant

Okay, it's 21 days since I said goodbye to the Big Z.


I have been trying to get numerous projects done this evening, as I have the last few.  I'll do my best to update on how this is all going.


My last blog here on June 1st was...I hate using the word "Cathartic."  Because everyone I know uses it.


I don't that's right.  It was me unloading a whole bunch of shit.  Well, the next night I had more to write, a lot more.


I dropped it over here:


http://www.myspace.com/tgfabthunderbird/blog/545822848


This is my Myspace page, and I'd not blogged on it in over a year.  I didn't want this document to take away from what I'd written on the 1st.


So there's that and you might want to click there and check it out.  


That I'll warn you was a real knockdown, drag-out battle within myself.


It is, again I warn you, probably going to offend some of you.  It likely will offend certain people's sensitivities, but I cannot apologize for how I feel.  You have a right to your feelings; I have mine.


Now that that is established; go read it.


If ye dare.


###


Now, I've been listening an old Kronos Quartet CD, "Lachrymose Antique," with a bunch of old English letters that don't make sense.  Basically, it's "Early Music."  Very interesting as I work about here this evening.


So what have I been doing?


Great.  My cat Sofia just erased part of what I was writing, fuck.


Sofia likes to leap onto my worktable, scattering papers and nearly starting fires if I have my candles lit, doing a Stomp dance on my keyboards, both the laptop and PC, crashing onto my antique desk next to it, and flying onto the file cabinet.


I have yelled at her, but what does she know?  To her, I'm paying attention to her, no matter what I do or say.


I'm tired of yelling.  I do a lot of that, to myself at work and other places when things get hectic, and the coping mechanism isn't ready to go to work yet.


James Blundell's "Ring Around the Moon" CD is what I'm using now.  "Breathe in, breathe out..."  The first track is called, "Learning to Roll."  Good stuff if you can find the Aussie singer.


I'm going in order because I'm in the process of transferring thousands of songs, thanks to Cloud and iMatch.


The Cloud as they call it is backup storage for up to 25,000 tracks.  I'm using that, but iMatch sets up your iTunes accounts and other stuff.  I have two, one on the PC and one on the laptop.  


But you have to order downloads one at a time...so it's gonna take time.


A reason for this is because I'm working to convert my MacBook Pro to do Windows plus Apple.  The former is needed for a software called SAM Broadcaster, because yours truly will soon hopefully be DJing in cyberspace.


http://www.radio-airwaves.co.uk/


Soon, very soon I hope.  I am getting the Windows license, will lock it in with Paralells, and then get my SAM hookup.


Gonna be fun.  Good fun, and I need some of that.


"Four Feet Tall..."  You know I'm gonna say right now, get RING AROUND THE MOON by JAMES BLUNDELL.  It's that good.  Really interesting singing and stuff.  Songwriting especially.  He also covers Johnny Cash on one song...which one I'll not say.


What is happening is that I'm trying to get things together and I'm tunnelling into doing certain things and working them until they're done.  Or dead.


So I've been getting the computer ready for this little gig.  Lots to learn, most of which I did not want to learn about.  But whatever.


OK...I just about was ready to smash the computer again.


This is what happens.  When you computer does something, and you don't know what it is doing or why, then won't let you back up...urg.


Well, I got lucky.  Got out of it, and my text is still here.  Now here's this:




Good video.  Mostly I think country music done after 1991 is utter shit.  But James does what the fuck he wants, and how he wants it.  Great all around.


Calmness does not come easily for me, but I try.  Believe me, I'm trying.


I feel at times like I did for years, dating to before my diagnosis.


Still I feel I can live without the shit.  It was good for what was needed, I'm now ready to go without it.


Going to be a fucking trip, and I have to do my best.


I have not done much with "Time the Healer."  Just not the time, but I suppose a rest for it is good.  I do have a new scene idea, and other ideas, lots of them.  Too many to count.


I have an unnamed friend that I call an "Ideas Person."  This person has ideas, lots of them.  They are good ideas, usually; but they are not well considered. They come out, and then one realizes that the capacity to see it through not to mention the resources comes up.


Hard to put those ideas to work without the forethought.  I know the feeling.


"Nature's Gentleman."  Exceptional song.


Okay...enough of this.


I do have a lot of computer weirdness to deal with.


I have to do something about the script.


I have to do something more about the Sweet Dreams Series, and getting the first book up and running.  Cover ideas by others, manga, etc.


I have to see Alice tomorrow; she has had a rough go of late, but I can't comment on it.  She's sounding better the last day or two, I'm encouraged.


Dan and I are going to the Robert Cray Band concert Friday at the Gettysburg Festival.  That's gonna be fun.  Cray is a superb performer in nearly every way.  I'll have a full report.


Gotta get the rest of this together.


I need to take the time.


Time...for all of you struggling.  Time is what you need to take, no matter how long.  If you get a step forward, you're good.


Okay...time to go.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Day 16: Riding Out the Storm

Here we are on June the 1st, and it is on a day such as this that it's decided to go dark.  We just got hit with a good downpour through the late afternoon, and it hasn't adjusted my moods.


I am now on the 16th day without my anti-depressants.  The first 30 days are the worst, that I know, and I'm feeling it.  


By the way:  I am NOT writing this to make YOU feel bad; nor do I wish to acquire your sympathy.  This is also NOT a cry for help; I'm okay, I'm doing what I have to do.  I suppose the main reason I am doing this is so that I can explain to you just what is racing through my brain in the absence of the medications.


Time will tell whether going off them was a good idea or not.  So many people are in one camp or the other:  either, it's OMG YOU HAVE TO BE ON THOSE THINGS FOR LIFE OR OMG WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.................


...and then there's the other:  OMG THOSE DRUGS ARE KILLING YOU AND DESTROYING YOUR LIFE AND OMG YOU WILL NEVER REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL AND YOU'LL BE SHUFFLING AROUND LIKE A ZOMBIE ALL YOUR LIFE AND OMGOMOGOMGOMGOMG...


STOP IT.  RIGHT NOW.


It's too fucking soon to know which is the right course of action.  I have to feel this is the right way for me to go, at least now.  If things get too extreme or dangerous, then I'll consider what to do about it.


I do not feel in any situation I'm going to require sectioning or any of that shit.  So let's get the white-coated orderlies out of our heads right now.


I do admit to going through a fair amount of cycling; what that to me means is that my body is over-adjusting or over-compensating to the stimuli that's attacking me.


I am again feeling the lows very strongly.  They are not good; I am trying to convince myself that these will pass, and that I will be all right.


I am not feeling the highs at all.  I generally don't anyway.  I have reasons to feel that way, but I'm not sure yet of how they are going to manifest.


How do I feel?  One moment to the next, different.  I have managed some small changes that will be good for me in the long run.  I got a fair amount of cleaning done earlier this week, and things look a little better.


More to do there.


Stress...the level is extremely high at times.  I'm getting wound way too fucking tightly over things that I need to remember and accept as being the way they should be.


Guess what one of those things is...wait for it...


COMPUTERS.


Oh that's a good one, isn't it?  Considering how much time I spend on-line?


I find I am not very patient with these little items.  If they don't work, I ain't happy.  I must also remember that computers are only as smart as those who program or use them.


Quite a few times in the past two or three days I've been ready to smash my laptop.  Or my home PC.  I mean smash and destroy it.


Childish, yes.  Destructive, yes.  Stupid, very much so.


Yet in those moments, your mind does not think so.


Just need to take a deep breath, and remember that in that time, you must be patient.  Exercises in patience.  Indeed.


Need to pull back from it, too.  Got to convince my brain to think a little more.


The cycling is an issue, because it does not allow me to think clearly, or straight about things that I have to consider.  It's nearly impossible to think for any length of time about things that I have to think about.  I have to focus on certain things, and it will not happen.


I have to regain command of that ability.


I'm also seeing and hearing the voices that I know are not there.  The images of people (especially my family) who used to mock me when I was struggling.  They thought they were being funny; they thought they were trying to bring my attention to what my behavior must have looked like.


FUCK YOU ALL.  FUCK EVERY ONE OF YOU.  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!


Ask my sister-in-law, who suffers from bipolar disorder; she has been, and I don't think it's a stretch, on the edge of madness for a long time.  Her issues are deeper than mine, harder to handle and harder to understand.  


I don't have what she has; thankfully I have not found myself there in the long-term in many years.  But I get it; oh, I get it.


So anyway...I've been sitting at one of the "Offices" for the past couple of hours, getting a few things in order.  I have been considering a bit of clean-up on the laptop, and that has been a good thing.


I have cleared tons of pages from my favorites that I don't need.  True, a lot of those were reference or resource sites for my writings, but I just don't need them.


I feel scattered all over the goddamn place, but that is what that is.  


I'm still working out, and I do feel a bit of energy returning there, and again, that has really been a good part of the recovery.  I'm not doing crazy shit like some of these people do (just look around and you see crazy everywhere)...none of this "I lift things up and put them down" shit.


My knees are a wreck, and I have to stay with the pool.  The bike is off-limits till this heals right.


Now how does one cope:




Check this out.


Krishna Das has given me a platform to get back to my Buddhist side...but then my Wiccan and Pagan sides are all a part of this.


I've been listening to "Breath of the Heart" and the CD included in his book, "Chants of a Lifetime."  This is shocking, in terms of what this does for me.


I am fucking moved.


Through what is offered, I was moved to write a song called "All One," which became one of Ahltyrra's most requested songs.  It is from a Hindu chant that is on "Breath of the Heart."  KD himself gave his blessing to my adding my own lyrics and arrangement.  It became something you won't believe.


I have also written another with this:




This is not something I just dove into.  I've been aware of this since 2006; it's been in and out of my life.


It is part of my meditation, and what I do.  


It's helping, believe me.


And while we're at it:  I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT "CHRISTIANS" SAY ABOUT THIS.


I know most Christians don't believe this, I truly know...but for those who can't get it:


THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SATANISM NOR HAS IT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING THAT IS A FUCKING THREAT TO THEM.


GET OVER YOURSELVES...NOW.


This is fucking saving my life right now.  If it keeps me from destroying all that I have or don't have, I'd say it's good.


Okay...enough of that.


I'd say to anyone who is struggling like me...if you can make it on your own, that's great.  If not, it's okay to ask for help.  When it gets really bad, if people don't get it, then they can't help you.


Keep looking.


It's all good.


Well, I feel a whole lot better after that.  Imagine.


Okay, thanks for reading, and know that you ain't alone, it might just take a while to go looking for it.


Good will hunting, or whatever that's supposed to mean.


Peace.