50...among other things...

Well, here we are...to borrow a phrase, "So Anyway..."

I have hit the Big 5-Oh. Needless to say, I'm appreciative of the fact that I'm still alive, and by all rights should not even be sitting here writing this. I don't need to go into the gory details of what happened to me 22 years ago, and what left me torn apart inside, minus half of my body's blood, and looking like a death camp survivor. Not to mention two years of really getting my life and health back. You get the picture, I think.

I have a lot to look back upon, and I'm amazed that a half-century has come, but I don't see it as gone so much. This has been quite a journey, and I do not plan to have any end to it for a while.

Longevity runs in the family for the most part, and so I think I have got about 25 more left before this body finally gives up and sends me off. It's been alright; I've made a lot of mistakes, said and done a lot of stupid things, but I'd like to think I have learned enough to be able to say, "Okay, now let's move on."

So where are we now? Well, I have nothing to be sad for or complain about. Despite my ongoing depression issues, and the Black Dog that does tend to rear its vile head in numerous ways, I can say I've won a fair number of those fights.

Look at this: my second book, "A Moment in the Sun" is coming out later this month (I hope). I have written furiously over the past eight years. My 20th (I think) novel, "Live from the Cafe" is almost in the can, and I am working toward the hope of a good relationship with my publisher, Sunbury Press Books. The vision I have for these works could have the psychedelic mishmash of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, with a fair amount of Hunter Thompson. Gotta think of these things, or you will get nailed by them.

I have a 31-year broadcasting career, and I don't plan to retire (again). Tomorrow, I officially go full-time with WITF, Inc. as the Morning Desk Anchor for the Radio Pennsylvania Network. After 5-1/2 years of puttering about the radio, tv and network sides, I'm getting my spot. I don't plan to leave it.

After six years of struggling w/numerous part-time jobs, trying to find a real one (hah!) and writing maniacally all through it, here is where we are now. I have settled a bit; my health is at its best, and I am hopeful now to find the time to finish up everything I am meant to do.

I also have more than 3 years with Radio-Airwaves Station; the UK Internet place where I can play the music I like, and sound like me, and not that horrific creature that sounded like he did numerous lines of coke before opening the mic, standing back and screaming! What the fuck was radio thinking?

We are survivors; there are a few of us left in this business, who give a shit. We do it right. We don't think about our fucking egos, and we don't think about what's going to get us to the network, or in that individual's pants we fancy. Being a part of this is what we do.

And this is what I fucking do.

I admit, I am not normal. I do suffer from mental issues, but I am happy to say I no longer am on medication, and I don't need it. Yes, I do have issues from time to time, but I work on it. 

The best years are coming for me. I may not be married any longer or have kids, but I wasn't meant for that. No offense to Kaitryth; I don't regret one moment of our marriage because it was good, we did our best and I think we both learned an awful lot about each of us, and ourselves.

Add to it, no one gave us more than a year, heh. We beat that.

I'm alive. Last night, I was having those problems again, but somehow I got out of it. I realized I have matured.

"I'M NOT MATURE, I'M JUST DERELICT!" -- thank you, Ray High (from Psychoderelict).

Anyway...it's been one hell of a ride. I've done a lot more than most of us, and I'm not finished. I have a lot of writing to do, music to play, news to deliver, and I plan to live the rest of my life.

So, rhetoric aside: I do not think of 50 years lived, or wasted, or this, or that. I've long given up thinking about stacking up the things society says you're supposed to have by now. I am not in the mood of wanting more, demanding more or trying to take from someone else what isn't mine. What fucking difference does it make?

We do have to make our own way, and I think I've done well enough. It's been a varied life, and as I say, not done yet.

I'm enjoying my half-century. No, I'm not accepting my AARP card, thank you all the same.

I'm not going to be an old fart. I'm not going to sit around and bitch and moan about the good old days, because you know what? They might just be coming. I really think the best years are not here yet. We have a lot to do in this world, and we have to do for ourselves, and hope that the example rubs off.

I said this about my writing: I hope that it at least entertains. I hope that it makes readers think. I hope that it inspires them, but not in a religious way, because that is not my intent. More....look at the weird shit I put my characters through (my own life, and others). You get through that, you can get through anything. 

I should have been dead years ago. I don't thank deities for it, but I do think the life force that rules the universe may have helped a little. We are getting it done. I am getting it done. 

We all will.

Namaste.

A New Book, the Future, and Time to Reflect...

Well, it is the first time in a long while that I've had to blog and write meandering lines about everything that's going on in the world right now. I have quite a store of thoughts, ideas, decisions and other bullshit that I have to blast out of me, and I'm not going to do it unless I do it now.

I'm sitting in the Office, a place I spend very little time in anymore. As you have gathered from watching my Facebook and other posts, I'm on the road a lot and busy. Full-time employment, and the needs of chasing money are not something I enjoy. At least not the way I'm doing it right now.

I try not to think too much about it, because our obsession with that kind of thing leads a lot of us to split hairs. We'll say we don't believe in/need lots of money, but then we plot out how much we actually think we need, and scheme to get it. Like that's going to do you any good.

A lot of people haven't seen me lately, and that is because of what I do. Time is not on my side, and will not be for the foreseeable future. I need the job I have in order get insurance, and to pay for the medicine that gets pumped into me at various times in a hospital. I tend to wonder if it's really worth it. Add to it my specialist is retiring next year, and I wonder who I'll get referred to.

That is really not a worry right now. I feel like I am in a big fucking hurry right now. I have about 25 years left on this earth, perhaps more if I am lucky. Well, longevity in my family is pretty good, so perhaps I'll be granted a little extra time. 

The deal is: I have too much to do, and to accomplish, not because of my ego, but because I want to do it. It also is a very good defense against a world that I see turning on itself yet again, and looking to kill itself.

I do not honestly think the world is coming to an end, nor do I think there will be any sort of end of days scenario that so many people seem to want to have.  We are such a fatalistic bunch, aren't we?

Some of the things I say and think (especially the latter) would probably offend you, because it would seem so weird. I am just of the mind that with what time I have left, I have to make it count.

So what's this mean? I have yet to disengage from everything I need to in this world, but I'm working towards it. My goals are damned well clear, I have to figure out how to take all the proper steps.

This is where we are right now: I am this close to having "A Moment in the Sun," my second book, ready to come out on Sunbury Press. I am feeling very positive about this one. It is better than "Parasite Girls," in terms of how it's written, and it does have a pretty decent flow to it. The characters are interesting, intriguing, and I want to think all have a fair amount of humanity in them. In that, they are not perfect, even though a couple of them think they are.

A lot of you have asked what is it about? That would be telling, but let's say I examined an aspect of society that (while it's set in Japan) is unique to one place, it can be anywhere, and it is everywhere. That issue leads into others, and without knowing it, I got these characters to face themselves.

Those in the danger areas had to do that anyway, but those outside looking in are forced to examine themselves. Some have to let the boundaries of class and rank, as it were, go. They had to change, or at least accept differences in others that were always there, but they just pretended not to see.

That is a problem we have now. In the big picture, we are people who cling to what we have, our past, and all the issues that hold us back. I got sick years ago of people going on about all the stuff that held them back (they thought) and how they were going to do things, but always found an excuse not to.

Excuse, not reason.

I'm not saying I get everything done on time, and I do not always keep my word the way I should, but I make the effort. Too many people are making excuses, and they're not innocent ones.

We are also lashing out against one another, and as always over two subjects, religion and politics.

I'm pretty much done with one, and could fucking care less about the other. We have to decide for ourselves what we want, and fighting about it, and losing friendships does not make it right, nor does it do any good.

I've lost at least one person who I thought was a friend. He flamed me on Facebook for not following his POV about a certain presidential candidate, and insulted me. He went completely out of his mind over it. 

His view is for himself, and against all others. I was really surprised, because this fellow is really an intelligent guy. I have no idea what happened to him; I think he melted his brain on Facebook.

I really want to give that up, and just do a website of my own. Unfortunately, it is a thing to bear, because it is the one site that is reasonable in its ease of use. Google + I use and I like, but damn it is slow. It takes an awful lot to get the thing to work; I don't really care for its setup, but I think it has potential to be fixed and improved.

Social media is still a weird animal to me. Thank whatever remains that has any form of goodness to it, that I do not have a fucking smartphone. I'm being encouraged at work to get one, but I don't want one. I am not one of those people. 

I dug all the Star Trek stuff, esp. the technology of TNG, and we're using it now, the tablets and stuff. I have no use for it, though. I spend too damn much time in front of this laptop and computer screens as it is.

My writing is leading into a direction where in at least one story perhaps we can disconnect a little, and see what happens with that. Long time down the road, though.

Anyway..."A Moment..." is the big step up. It is a cross between young adult and mainstream fiction; anyone can read this and get it. You will I think find yourself in this story. 

Now, where to get it? Sunbury has a website, and they primarily deal in independent bookstores. Unlikely you'l find this in Barnes & Noble, but I'm gonna try for it. So if not via the web (or one of the usual sites), go make friends with the manger of your local shop and tell 'em about me, haha.

My goal is simple: make this one work. Hopefully it works well enough that Sunbury likes what I offer. I am fortunate to have found a fantastic editor there; Janice and I recently met, and I am taken.

She understands my writing. How about that?

She got where I was going with the story; Janice also got some of the other project ideas, and got me to submit the potential next one as well.

This I hope is a platform, to lay the groundwork for the even better stuff I have planned. I have been on this kick for nearly eight years, and I'm not stopping.

I am writing what I want to see, not what the media, your politicians, your churches, your whatevers tell you you're supposed to see. Get that? Not saying I'm right, and I don't demand you buy in. It's not that different.

I'm trying to blow the fucking establishment out of my brain once and for all, and I hope one day to get there and yet still have enough of said brain working that I know where I am by the end of it. 

To paraphrase a wise man, "I know where I'm going, I feel it deeply."

Peace, Out.

It Was 30 Years Ago Today...

...well, not exactly 30...tomorrow (4/1) will somewhat, approximately, kinda-sorta my anniversary.

My 30th Anniversary in Broadcasting. Excuse me...

...30 Fucking Years.

I don't even feel that old anymore. I started thinking about this earlier today and realized that if I don't write this now, I'm not going to do it tomorrow on the day of this momentous (hah!) occasion.

So...let's see...where do I start? I've had people ask me a lot of questions about my chosen profession over the years, including the inevitable ones of, "How do you get started?", "Why do you work a job that doesn't pay anything?", "Why aren't you like Howard Stern?", "Why don't you want to host a talk show?", and fuck knows how many others.

I've had all of those...the one about the money was occasionally alluded to by my family. But more on that later.

I admit to having an interest and fascination with radio as a kid, but I also have to tell you I really didn't see myself as ever having an opportunity to do anything like that. Not that I didn't dream about it.

Growing up in near the Canadian border, I got the best of both worlds, both US and Canadian radio, and that included music as well as news and other stuff. I remember certain personalities, people, music, etc.

A lot of strange stuff returns to my brain right now...today, these things would never be done on commercial radio, and probably rarely on what is now called "Community Radio." Those low power FM's and the like that try to go as mini-NPR stations, doing their own thing, and relying on the kindliness of the public.

Anyway...the whole thing for me started here:

Michelle Hartley painted this mural in the basement of Saint Joseph's College (of Maine) back in the 80's. I went to St. Joe's in '83, with no idea of what I would do for a career. I had horrific grades in high school; I was at best a bored and uninterested student in just about everything. Lots of reasons for that, but that's how it is.

When I learned that we were getting ready to go on-air with an FM station whose signal in those days reached into Portland, I thought: "Oh...this might be interesting."

We did not get on air until the afternoon on 4/1/84. I pulled a one-hour shift late in the first day. 

My first song as a DJ? I honestly don't remember.

Well, fast forward to a month and a few days later back in Vermont. One day after going home for the break, I walked into the old WDOT-AM in Burlington, and by virtue of the world's shortest job interview, I had one.

OK...so I didn't look back. Much.

It has been one long and strange trip in so many ways. And the shit ain't over yet. I have passed through more stations (existing and not), more formats and more co-workers/colleagues than I can number or even remember. I've worked in the weirdest set-ups, the flashiest studios, and have dealt with the best...and not necessarily the worst characters, but some scary ones to be sure.

When I wasn't being weird one.

We constantly remake ourselves. Sometimes it works, but often it just does not. I have spent the majority if not all of my career not being known. And to be honest, I prefer it.

I am a worker. I am a "Service Machine." This is not a bad thing, you know. There came a time in my career when my ego had to get smacked down, and fucking hard. It happened two or three times, very early in my career. I won't name names, or situations, but the deal was this: 

"Kid, you're good, but you ain't that good. You got a long way to go."

And...I'll add this: "You must never stop learning."

What I mean by that is you must never stop learning what you are capable of doing. When you get to turn your hands to something you never thought you could do, you become surprised and even stunned to find out...that yes, you can do it. And do it well.

Yeah, I've had a few points in my life where I wondered why I got passed over for things. When I was younger, I irrationally and immaturely believed I was getting the shaft. 

Then...about ten years into my career a guy who came up behind me said the same damn things and an awful lot more. I suddenly realized he reminded me of me. Guess we all go through it.

The business has changed. We can go on and on about how bad things have gotten, how the jobs have dried up, how the revenue is gone, and how we are no longer valued.

I call bullshit.

You know, I have not had a full-time radio gig in five years. I'm still jobbing, getting hours when and where I can. 'Cause this is what I do.

I love the business, and the experience. Right now, I am part of a company that is headed into a new market and frontier...radio? Broadcasting? More the latter, but it's all part of the same damn thing.

It may also seem strange to you that I spend two hours on a Thursday evening, hosting a show on a small internet station. 

www.radio-airwaves.co.uk

I do it to keep myself sane at times. I can be like I was in college and play music I like, music that I think has value and play it for others. If you like it, great, if not, that's okay.

People ask me all the time if I like what I do. My response is always the same:

"BEATS WORKING!"

If I had to do it over, I'd do it again. I'd hope with benefit of hindsight I might not make some of those mistakes again, but you have to learn somehow.

Thing is: a lot of us do not learn. There are people in this biz who are one-trick ponies. They do one thing, and it may be good, but it doesn't always stand the test of time. You need to remake, like I said; adopt, adapt, improve. If you don't, you will be on the sidelines wondering why.

I've been a DJ for nearly every format. I've hosted shows, co-hosted shows, produced shows, been a journalist, a traffic reporter, a this, a that, a manager...we all do these things. We don't always have the titles before our names, but we do them.

I think at this point, my career went about the way it was meant to go. This is not just about money, but that's nice when you can get it. I've had other jobs, but this is not a job. This is what I DO.

I also write, I play music, I do the things I enjoy doing. Yeah...I could have gotten a desk job, or some kind of management job, or whatever...I could have made more money, been more stable financially, but I would not have been happy.

Rich People have Rich People Problems. If I was, I'd deal. I didn't do too badly, though. And I'm done.

I like where this thing is going, and it opened doors to everything else. It was not always smile-inducing, these past years, and it was not always fun. But it was different.

That makes it good.

You think this many years is something? One of my colleagues at the new job has been in this business, non-stop, 51 years.

That's right. Guy's a legend...and he's now a traffic reporter. 

He still loves it.

So do I.

Do what you love, life is too fucking short to be bored or killing yourself. Friend of mine once had that great job, but he said the stress got so bad, he was pounding a six-pack of Heineken every fucking night to get through it.

Not worth it.

For me, this is.

I have broadcasting to do, even in the shadows. I make a difference in a small way, but a good one.

I do everything else because I think it makes a fucking difference. Forgive my self-centered thought...even if it is just for me, in that moment.

Been fun...and I have more waiting for me.

Peace, Out.