"Can you tell me where I am?"

Well, the past few days could have been a damned sight better, but now I am starting to see a whole bunch of things come home. One of them is part of me, and it's the one that I've tried to avoid.

I'm going to add a link at the bottom of this blog, which is by Stephen Fry. It is about four days old, but in it are some chilling and very sad details of what he tried to do to himself last year.

I've been there...not gone to the extent he did, but in the planning stages, and facing down a bottle that would send me straight to oblivion and whatever afterlife there might be.

Just so you know, this is NOT on my to-do or "Bucket List." Forgive me, but I fucking hate the latter term! If you have to fill a bucket with all your dreams and delusions, then you are not living life! You are still fantasizing about it!

As Henry Rollins said, "DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! JUST DO IT!"

At the same time...do we realize you cannot always just do it?

The process of life is one of hurry the fuck up and wait a while. I've been doing that. I'm waiting a long while for work, and my prospects are few. I keep plugging away in the hope that the luck will change, and I'll find employment in a field that actually values my presence in it.

That said, I've had to take the step of seriously considering selling the one thing I have that would give my future stability: my land.

This is my retirement, and hopefully it can remain there and we'll see what happens for the time in between.

I have long dreaded being in the place I was 20 years ago, when I was still paying my dues and watching the world pass me by. I eventually made my way up into that, and am back down yet again.

But I'm not done yet.

I am awaiting the results of the cover idea for "Parasite Girls," and then eventually we will get that out there in the eBook world. Meanwhile, I am looking for the follow-up, and I have plenty to do with there. But what one?

More and more, I think a lot of my stuff just is not ready, yet.

http://www.behance.net/torygates

Here is a new site, where the proof opening to "PG" shall be found. Also, the opening bit to "The Drifters" is here. See what you think. There will be more eventually.

Now...back to that darkening set of clouds on the horizon: I'm seeing it manifest elsewhere. Without going into dramatic detail, one of my relatives is suffering greatly from something I've written about in "Parasite Girls," but I can't even begin to describe what some are facing.

And what it does to those around that person, well you can pretty much tell.

I am sympathetic, and somewhat empathetic to the deal, because I'm in it. Sometimes I look further, and realize I am losing the ability to get beyond my own issues.

Even with all the optimism in the world, it's hard to find a future. I don't see much of one, and yet I have to say to myself that I will secure one somehow.

I see little hope for advancement in my chosen field, and even less in others. I find myself also wondering just how I am to progress in other areas. For all the idealism that things are improving, some of us are not.

One reason involves the technological changes--the world got ahead of me. One of my failings is a lack of aptitude and understanding of the computer age. As much as I'm interested in them, and enjoy what they can do, I don't understand how they work. 

My mind is not that scientific. It is not that analytical. I wish it was, but then I'd wish too much.

I have opted out of a lot in recent years, and it's got nothing to do with personal issues with others. I just don't want to be bothered.

Stephen writes about that in the blog...some of us really do like our own company. He does not seem to unless he's busy.

I am a person that does not mind his own company, but going home to just my cats (though all know how I love them) is not good. I go home home to a shack I rent, and the devastation I plus the animals leave, well, you can imagine why I'm at my Office all the time.

The need for human contact is there, and I suppose that's why I'm here now. Problem is...I am having a very hard time interacting with the people that I SHOULD BE.

Nothing anyone's done, please understand. But I don't feel a damn thing in common with my colleagues...at all.

Is that why I write? Is that where these novels of angst, depression, abandonment and odd fantasy come from? I suppose I am writing because I am writing the world I wanted to see, and never did.

I still don't see it.

The title of the blog is from a Gordon Lightfoot song, "End of All Time." It's ended up in "The Drifters," and kind of fits. My own songs just do not for this story.

I must move on...I do at times with for the company of others, and perhaps that one that while we should not think about all the crazy stuff people do, but where is that contact, that comfort and familiarity? I don't see it here. I don't see it anywhere.

Anyway, here's what Stephen wrote:

http://www.stephenfry.com/2013/06/24/only-the-lonely/

I know how he feels. I know how my relative feels, and yet I can't even go there because I don't have that.

Take Another Road, Chapter 15--"Morning After"

Here's Chapter 15 of "Take Another Road."  And you know you wanna know what happened after the last one...you know you do...;-)


Enjoy, and let me know what you think!


###

Chapter 15--Morning After

            The morning sun’s rays reflected off the well-polished bow of the Kiyomi, and Daisuke shifted his deck chair slightly to avoid it hitting him in the face.  Keru sat beside him, lighting a cigar.  Daisuke had joined his boss for breakfast at the house, then came down to help finish a few details on the boat.  “So the first run went well, you said.”

            Keru nodded as he puffed on his cigar and exhaled.  “Yes, a very good trip,” he replied.  “The engine overhaul was a good investment, they ran perfectly.  I’m ready to take her a little further out, with the family.  I hope you might come this next time, Daisuke.  You’d enjoy it.”

            “I should,” Daisuke replied.  He had worked on a boat in his youth, and had taken part in sailing while at Harvard.  The Bayliner was a different breed to him, however and Keru’s piloting he did not put too much stock in.  “Perhaps next time.”  Changing the subject, he said, “The house was rather quiet this morning.”

            Nanae had not felt well the night before, and so slept in; with Asuka away, it was the two men alone at the breakfast table.  “Nanae should be more like herself today,” Keru explained, “and Asuka is of course off on that expedition with those friends of hers.”  Keru’s tone of voice showed he did not care for certain ones; Daisuke recalled that while Keru had not spoken much to any of Asuka’s new friends at the club the other night, he did actually seem to have liked Goro.

            “We have talked of this before,” Daisuke said as he admired a small ketch that was headed out.  “They are decent people, Keru.  They do the best they can with the circumstances life has offered them.  What worries you so?”

            “As I’ve said,” Keru explained while he carefully knocked the ash from his cigar, “I worry that Asuka is consorting with some people who are not worthy of her.  It is not that they are bad people--but Asuka can do much better.  I am taking steps to that affect.”

            Daisuke turned and regarded Keru through his shades.  “What sort of steps?”

            Keru continued to stare seaward.  “Steps,” he replied, “that must be taken.  I’ve not done all this for my daughter to have her settle for less.  I will deal with that when she returns today, or perhaps tomorrow.”

            Daisuke said nothing, and turned back to the water.  He didn’t like the look on Keru’s face.

            Mei awakened to the familiar, and welcoming scent of brewed coffee.  Opening her eyes, she found herself on her back, her right arm stretched out.  There was no one there, but Mei could hear two voices from the kitchen, and she smiled.

            Rolling onto her side slowly, Mei put her arms around one of her pillows.  It had been a long night, and Mei felt like she was living it over again, even now.  Those feelings, every moment of them were coming back to her, and she pulled the pillow tighter to her body.

            Footsteps were approaching, and Mei slowly pulled herself up to a sitting position, and took up the covers up as well.  The door had been cracked, and a small, bare foot slowly pushed the door aside.  Midori entered, wearing the shirt she had on from last night and bearing two cups of coffee.  “Good morning, Mei,” she called.

            Mei grinned as she moved over, and Midori carefully slid the door closed before coming to the bed.  “Your mother says you take yours black,” she commented as she offered one of the cups to Mei.  “You’re a braver girl than I.”

            Mei let the covers fall as she took the cup and inhaled the sapid aroma of the UCC blend she and Reiko enjoyed.  She noted Midori’s cup looked more like a latte; there was so much milk in it, as the girl settled beside her.  “Thank you, by the way,” Mei added, and kissed her lips.

            “For this,” Midori replied, then returned the kiss, “or for last night?” 

            The two girls laughed quietly and kissed again.  “For all of it,” Mei replied.  “You have been a surprise, but one of the best I’ve ever had.”

            Midori sipped her drink.  “Well, I’m glad to hear that,” she responded, “and you have been as well.  I don’t mind saying out loud that I love you; I hope it does not concern you.”

            “You said you didn’t care last night,” Mei reminded her, “and I don’t.  I love you as well.”  She took a sip and asked, “So, when did you decide you liked girls?”

            Midori giggled.  “I haven’t!”  She replied.  “I like boys as much as the next girl, but…” She thought for a moment, then said, “I’m just more comfortable around girls.  I feel I can be myself a little more around them.  I don’t have to put on an act for the boys, you know what I mean?”

            “Yeah.”

            “You know,” Midori continued, after she took another sip, “boys expect you to be a certain way, based on how they’re brought up.  They want their girlfriends to either dress like their parents, or dress like streetwalkers.  I don’t want to be either, I want to be me.”

            “And you are you,” Mei pointed out.  “Don’t ever think I’d object to anything you wore or didn’t wear.  That has nothing to do with you, the person, and it shouldn’t.”

            “Right.”  Midori paused, then asked, “Now, how about you?  Do you prefer girls?”

            Mei laughed, and Midori joined her in it again.  “I never thought in my life I’d ever have a boyfriend,” she replied, “other than Shuji.  There was nothing going on between us, as I’ve said; but boys have never been interested in me, either because I was fat growing up, or because I’m this butch martial arts girl.  I honestly didn’t give it much thought.  I believed that if someone was to come into my life, I’d know it was meant to happen, and I’d recognize it.  That’s where you come in.”

            “How so?”  Midori asked as she cuddled closer to Mei.

            “I knew,” Mei told her, “from the moment we spoke to one another on that first day of school, there was something there.  I didn’t know what at the time, but I just knew I liked you a lot.  I understood your situation, and you understood mine.  I felt that connection, but like I said, I didn’t know right away.”

            Midori sighed and concurred, “Neither did I.  The fact you stood up for me like you did was a big factor in it, but there was more:  I saw you as a tough girl who’d been through a lot, but under that exterior I knew there was a really sweet person.  You showed it to me, and you don’t let too many people know about it.  That says something about you.”

            Mei listened as she sipped her coffee, and didn’t answer for a few moments.  “You are right about that,” she said.  “I don’t let it out; only my closest friends see it.  I guess it’s because I put myself out there for Shuji, and then got shot down in such a horrible way.  I became afraid of it, afraid it might happen again.”           

            Midori put her cup on the table and slid her arms about Mei’s body.  Kissing her lips, she said, “You don’t have to put yourself on the line for everyone, only when you feel right about it.”  She embraced Mei tightly.  “This,” she added, “feels so right, and I’m so glad you’ve let me in.”

            Mei closed her eyes; with her free hand she felt for Midori’s face and pulled it to her.  The two kissed, and held it for as long as they could.

            Feet thumped on the deck above, and Aimi and Asuka awakened at the same moment.  The sun shone through the windows of the cabin, and both girls blinked their eyes.  

            “Oh, my,” Aimi said, and tried to stifle a yawn as she spoke.

            Asuka chuckled as she rubbed her eyes.  “This would be something for them to walk in on,” she joked.

            “Oh, no!”  Aimi tried not to laugh.  “Think of the rumors that would start!”

            “Amongst us?  I doubt it,” Asuka replied, but she did slide out of bed, and dropped to her knees in front of Aimi.  “Thanks again, Aimi,” she whispered, “for listening last night; and you were really great to be with.”  She then added hurriedly, “In a non-sexual way, of course.”

            The girls giggled, and both got up and began to get dressed.  A creak, and the hatch opened slightly.  “Hey, are you decent down there?”  Kaz called.           

            “No!  Go away!”  Both girls shot back, but laughed as they did so.  They heard Kaz laugh as well.

            “Okay,” he replied, “but Kaldera wouldn’t be down there, would he?”

            “I don’t think so,” Aimi called back sarcastically, “why?”  Both girls were back in their swimsuits by this time, and they headed up the steps. 

            Kaz was there, in his trunks and looking a little perplexed.  “We can’t find him,” he reported.  “He left the fire last night after you two came back here, and he’s still not returned.”

            “There he is!”  Minoru had climbed the main mast and was scanning the island with a pair of binoculars.  “He did go back up there,” he called, and pointed in that direction.

            All three turned to look at the island.  They shaded their eyes; on the peak they’d scaled yesterday was a faint, but recognizable form.  Kaldera’s silhouette was could be seen, and it looked like he was either doing Tai Chi or some similar exercise.

            Minoru climbed back down to the deck and passed the glasses to Kaz.  “Kaldera mentioned once that Yasukuni is like a chakra, all its own, at least to him.  He comes here to meditate, to draw its energy in, then send it back out.”

            “Kind of like what he did with us the other night?” Asuka ventured.

            “Yes,” Aimi replied, “there is a give and take with that sort of thing.  You don’t want to hold it all in I would say, at least not for a long time.”

            Kaz continued to scan the figure in the distance.  “Looks like he’s coming back,” he commented.  “Well, we should start clearing away over there.”  Everyone nodded and jumped off the boat in an impromptu swimming race to shore.

            Dear Kira:  Forgive me if my handwriting is a little jumpy, but we are at sea once again.  We have not yet left Yasukuni, but we will soon.  We have all eaten our fill of last night’s leftovers, and everyone’s playing music or just enjoying it on this beautiful morning.

            I wish you were here with us; you‘d have had fun.  I feel very privileged to have been asked by Kaldera on this trip.  Asuka and I got our sea legs quickly, and there was no sickness from either of us!  The trip to the island, the hike, singing around the campfire, it was all too wonderful for mere words.

            I also spent the night with Asuka…but not how you might think!  We had a long talk, and I understand how she feels about Minoru.  Something is wrong there; I believe he is hesitant in engaging in relations with her, because as Asuka says, he’s afraid of losing what he has with her.  That says much about his character, and that is something I can only admire.

            But as I have said, Minoru is holding some painful memory or feeling inside him; it must have to do with his mother.  I understand well.  I hope he can bring it out soon. 

            Aimi looked up from her writing and lowered her cheap sunglasses.  She was sitting on her beach towel, forward of the main mast; Asuka was beside her on her stomach, the straps of her bikini top unhooked in order to eliminate her tan line.  Seated around them were the men of the crew, Kaldera and Kaz on guitar, while Minoru added some interesting shamisen licks to the song they were playing.

“I’m sailing down the summer days

Where fish and seagulls play

I put my troubles all away

And when the gale comes up I’ll fill my cup

With the whiskey of the Highlands

She’s a good ol’ ship and she’ll make the trip

From the lee of Christian Island…”

            Kaldera was singing in an unusual style, his voice in a lower register on the Gordon Lightfoot song.  Kaz was picking a slow lead lick over the chords, while Minoru deftly worked the fingers of his left hand along the neck of his instrument.  It sounded almost like a steel guitar, which Aimi had heard on some recordings. 

            She smiled as he watched her friends; all seemed just happy to be here, in this one place.  Looking down, Aimi could tell though Asuka’s eyes were closed, she too was at peace.

“When the summer ends we will rest again

In the lee of Christian Island…”

--

(Writer's note:  "Christian Island" was written and recorded by Gordon Lightfoot; it appears on the album, Don Quixote (1972).  A re-recorded version appears on Gord's Gold, Vol. 2 (1989).