I am so sure this is gonna get me in trouble with someone...

...well, it's not all that bad but I'm sure someone is going to take issue with something I have to say.


"Out Take Number 9," by Manu Katche started my iTunes thing while I blog...I generally write these while at my "Office," and while you can hate on Morebucks all you like, there are certain ones that are good.  It's the people who run it, plus other things that make places like this useful.


"Turkish Night," Ottmar Liebert...good place to start.


The past few days have been as usual galling in some ways and not in others.  Nothing much has changed, but I do realize that again I'm reminded that change is something I must consider, not others.


Case in Point #1:  Alice and I called it quits the other night, for the final time.  Now, she will read this, so I damned well better be careful.  Suffice to say, I'm not what she needs, and she is not what I do.


We are still friends, and very good ones.  Alice has done a lot of good for me this past year, and I don't forget it.  We also each have our own issues; we each have to tackle them.


That's where I wonder:  when "change" becomes an issue, why is it for me hard to understand why I must change?


It's inevitable, we know that.  Most people fear change, and go mad in their efforts to avoid it.  Some to the point of madness; people who walk the same walk every day of their lives, go to the exact same places at the exact same time every day, order the exact same thing every day, etc.


That is NOT me.  Oh, never.  That would be boring.


"Suite from Hamlet, Op. 116," Shostakovich...a track from one of the CDs I "borrowed" from my work, heh.


I have been told (no, implied), by certain people(s) and I'm sure it won't be the last time, that I need to change.  But of course, I must change for ME, not for THEM.


The latter is a common error we all make; we change for our spouses, girlfriends, families, bosses, etc.  It's a terrible mistake; we have to do it for ourselves, and only ourselves.  Even if sucks for the world around you, a change YOU make must be for YOU.


And then you have to fucking do it.


I have also had it implied that I am somehow not a complete person.  But no one is complete, nor are they perfect.  


"Incidental Music to King Lear," same CD.  Tympani rolls, gathering storm clouds...hmm...forboding.


I think there's things missing in my life, but what are they?  I don't know; a lot of people seem to think they know, and some may be right.  


I have tried in recent years to be different, to be better...etc.


"Walk On," James Blundell...now isn't that interesting?  If you've ever heard that song, you know how much it makes sense.


This much I know...I am not a horrible person.  I am a good person, though I may be different beyond people's wishes.


If there's going to be change, I have to figure out what I want to change about me that is right.  You can't just change your mind or your look or whatever.  'Cause someone else will find fault with it.


Now, this is going to sound really weird, and probably knee-jerk, or defeatist, or whatever:  I have spent too many years of my life trying to please other people, and be what they want me to be.  And I do not feel at this point I can please anyone, ever.


Most of my life, it's been, I'm not good enough.  I'll never be good enough, I'll never amount to enough...in other people's eyes.


The key for me was to stop believing it.


"Walkin' On the Moon," Police, live version.


Case in Point #2:


I was in the sauna at my gym the other day, when a large, athletic fellow came in.  Friendly enough guy, and actually a very nice man.  He saw my Om tattoo...


...uh oh.


He asked what it meant, and I explained.  He actually listened, but I knew right away he was a Christian.  Now this doesn't matter, but maybe it does.


He was an African-American fellow, and clearly went to one of the churches of that sort...I do not know if it was AME, or one of the others, I did not ask.  Not my biz.


Well, he seemed to get where I was coming from, but as it often is with "Christians," why do I get the feeling my faith and spirituality were being politely shit upon?


He explained how his faith has helped him move forward in life, and that's good.  It did make sense to me, and it's not much different than any other faith, a point I tried to make.


He went on to quote varied texts in the Bible, which I see make sense for him, and all that.


Then he saw my other tat...the pentacle.


Oh, fuck.


Well, he did not call me a Satan worshipper or any of that, but oh he really does think Christianity was brought to us heathens in Northern Europe, etc.  He came up with some other bizarre allusions to why we're all such horrid creatures.


Now, he never once put me down, or called me anything bad.  He really was a nice man, and I don't think he meant to attack me at all, not at all.  Honestly, I'd love to talk more to him, because I'd really like to know where this came from.


But there it is...not all, but a lot of Christians like to find a way to let you know you are not good enough.


I respect his rights to his views, his feelings, and his convictions.  If they work for him, then good.


What I am is right for me.  Deal with it.


"P2 Vatican Blues," George Harrison...interesting yet again.


I am evolving, in the spiritual world, and it's because I wish to and must.  Not because anyone says I have to.


"Father," Sean Costello.  Been slow in adding the tracks.


Now I have to kind of think through a bunch of other things.


I cleaned out my altar room (a tiny closet), and burned candles and incense there.  Also did a symbolic burning the night before Beltane.  Needed to get that out.


Who I am needs to be more conscious of stuff, yes.  I have to get there, and get back to having the moment be more useful.


Alice made some good points...negative energy is a killer, and without knowing it, we contribute to it.  Even when we're making a joke it can be pretty hard.


She says my Facebook stuff, even this (I'd surmise) can turn folks off.  If so, then I'm sorry.  I sure hope people realize I don't do things to deliberately hurt people.  But we are all capable of doing stuff that's dumb.


You'd hope we learn, right?


I'm pledging to you and to whomever that I'll try to be more mindful.  I am told I sabotage myself, and perhaps I do.  Not planning it, but there it is.  I don't think most people do stupid shit with the intent of doing stupid shit, but we do it because we're humans.


Of course...some humans think some humans are more human than others...you know from "Animal Farm?"  "All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others."


"Hot Burrito #2," Flying Burrito Brothers.  


That is a good segue into the next train of thought.


I'm told I'm not happy here.  Alice again with this point of view.  Her thoughts of the way I view Pennsylvania, and those who live in it.


I do admit, I've been heavy-handed.  I referred to certain people recently who turned a state that is beautiful and has a lot of good going for it into a giant pig farm.


Yeah, bit much, sorry about that.


You get that everywhere; I know, yes you do.  Because again, we're fucking human.


Am I not happy here?  I don't know.  At times I feel like I've spent 12 years of my life here, and for what?  Well, I know for what.  It was all part of what I needed to learn about my life, and about me.


I do not hate the state.  I don't care for the politics, the hammer-headed religiosity of some people, and the arrogance of certain folk.  But again, you get that everywhere.


I'm sure most Pennsylvanians must see me as some stranger from the north, still, after all this time.  "From Away," Mainers would call out of state people. Vermonters call them "Flatlanders" or "Outtastaters."


"Faithless," Black Country Communion.  Deep and forboding again...


I don't know if I can afford to move, because there is less work out there than I have here.  If I have to follow the money (as I did in the past), I may have to.


That's life; if I am here I will accept it as such, and yes, I can be happy here among those who have made it good for me.


If I go, so I do.  Life is how it is, and what you make it.  I have to now figure out how to make it from this point on.


On to the writing...I have finished "Time the Healer," and started editing.  It's long, way long, but there's reasons for that I am sure.  


More needs to be done with other projects, but now I'm feeling more than ever that I wrote this way because there was a reason for it.  There is a lot to tell, and if it takes more words, so be it.


I'm not being arrogant when I say I know I am a better writer than a fair number of people who are being called authors.  That time will come when it's meant to.


I must be coming off as a real curmudgeon now, hehhehheh...I have needed to get this out for a while.


Out of all this, I'm trying to balance out all the information, advice and every other thing that has been weighing on me for a couple of years now.


My seemingly anti-social behavior of recent months and years is not because I'm cutting myself off, I just have a lot to sort out.  


"Green River," Bill Wyman's Rhythm Kings...great version.


Hm, this is all fitting out in a weird way.


Anyway, I needed to get this out...thanks for reading, hope you found something in it useful.


I have to get to work, but then again I don't work...I do what makes a difference and is also fun.  I've had best of both worlds for a long time, and I still do.


Who says you can't enjoy your work?  If you don't, then let me take the liberty of saying maybe YOU have the issue.  Hee hee hee...


As my friend and colleague Megan says, "I'm peacing out."


"Magic Bus," (do I really have to tell you...?)

Just in time for Beltane...a new blog!

I never really know what colors are going to work on this thing, and my immediate thought was, "Look what they dun to my blog."


I am not sure I am liking this new configuration.  Just as well...been slowly planning to get things moved over to my new website, once Alice has time to think about it.


Back at the Office after a busy midday..."Woke Up With Wood" by ZZ Top is finishing on the iTunes, and..."Say What!" by SRV follows.  Nice.


Some mid 80's blues/rock, very nice.  


I have been sick for the first time in nearly three years.  Caught a bad-ass virus of some sort, and it thrashed every part of me for about 10 days.  On and off feeling like shit, and whatever it was must have been fucking bad.  Alice tells me that she teched for "Memphis," some stage show and everyone was down with something.  


Lots of lovely herbs and thingies...they're working, better than anything I can think of.  Antibiotics are useless to me; I've only had them like three times in my life and I am allergic to one, but I can't remember which one.  


Anyway, today is the first day in a while that I feel more awake.  My workouts have suffered, and I was down to every couple days because I just could not get myself up for them.  


Got an hour in today, though; bike, sauna, pool and the spa...hit for the cycle I guess.  


Okay, where are we going here?  Yes, it's April 30, and Beltane is tomorrow.  Snuck up on me there...I must do something for it, and I think Jethro Tull's "Beltane" might go along well with that.  It is a great song, bonus track on "Songs from the Wood," I suggest you check it.


Faerie Fest...well, the Dharma Fools were left off the bill once again, but I am not surprised.  They got a very good lineup this year; Wendy Rule, Telesma (despite one of their bandmates suffering a heart attack), and a bunch of other names.  Good for them.


Sorry to say as much fun as the FF is, I have no interest in going this year.  It is not because I am not performing there, either; it's gone by the way for me to some extent.  I also have to work, and that is unavoidable.


Work is the same...I'm job hunting, but would rather stay here.


"Lupita," by Dave Grusin.  A short, but interesting piece.  I snatched this from the prod studios at Clear Channel HBG.


Weekend Warrior work is the same, WITF/KYW on the weekends, plus some Radio PA Network stuff here and there, and 89.5 gives me the call now and again.  CCH the same.  Jobbing about.


"Don't Pass Me By," by the late Sean Costello.  Interesting...sad loss, this man.  Far too young, and his health issues caught up.


Speaking of which...Alice and I had a long talk recently about my meds.  I recently did a double of the Zoloft on the suggestion of my primary care doc.  In the short-term, it worked out, because it calmed me down from a manic period that began to get a little weird.  Losing the plot is not fun.


But there were drawbacks.  Too calm...at times.  My workout energy dropped, and I figured within a month I'd be more attuned to it.  I was, but something's missing.


I then proceeded to literally forget to take it for a couple days over the weekend.  Going off can be dangerous for some people, but I've been able to for a few at a stretch, and I'm okay.  I could feel the mania again a little bit, but not seriously.


I'm trying to go back to the regular dosage right now, and see if that works. Perhaps I can get to where I don't need it anymore.


Now, I'm sure you're wondering how Alice is figuring in on this.  Alice is bipolar, and I've seen her in some of her problem areas.  I have an in-law, an old friend in fact with it, and it's crippling to her at times.  I am not bipolar, but I share some of the symptoms and actions of it.


Alice wondered if getting off it might be better now, because I am older, and my body has changed a lot since then.  She wonders if my guitar playing might become better as a result.


Recently played a little on my own, and could feel some smoothness coming back that I'd not had.  Might be temp., but who knows?  I'll see.


As for the DF's, Dan and I are searching for band members.  No one's been fired, but no one's showing up anymore.  We need the sound and the punch of a band again, and I wish to play more electric.  It's time to push it that way.


Now, here's another thing.  I am considering a move to Harrisburg.  It would mean saying goodbye to my lovely patch of rented land in York, but that house is gonna fall down before long.  I don't have the money to buy it, but I have to talk to the landlady anyways about all that.


"Changes," by Santana...ah, the "Zebop" album.  Good stuff.


Alice and I feel this relationship of ours, strange and dysfunctional as it sometimes is, could work.  I believe it will.  She needs to clear time to get her house worked on...actually, it's her father's, and that is an issue in itself.  But she needs to get rid of the "Hoarders's" candidate material outta there, and do some fixing.


I'm not Bob Vila, I freely admit it, but her ideas are good ones and I think they are the right ones.


We can cut expenses, I'd be spitting distance to WITF and to CC; and I like Harrisburg.  We spent some time at the Reader's Cafe recently, and Alice showed me around the city a little.  Funny, how I've worked there for years and know absolutely nothing about it!


Access to musicians, oh yes...even better.


Oh, now how about the book thing?


Okay...I finished "Time the Healer" on Sunday.  The rough draft is 605 pages long.  Yes.  I have no idea how it got so fucking long.  


It must be cut down, a lot.  I have a lot to do with that.


Now...I am also putting the boot in, regarding a possible effort to get an extract of "Sweet Dreams:  Searching for Roy Buchanan" into print.  Jen, Riz, Alice and whomever else are going to keep hearing from me until we get something down so we can do this!


"My Skin," Natalie Merchant...um...such a beautiful voice and a great lyricist...but I do not need to hear this right now.  Sorry, Natalie...


"Southern Streamline" by John Fogerty.  Better.  I still think he is a dick for the way he's treated his old CCR mates, but that's his problem.


So yeah, a chance at a monthly website, called Front Row Lit or something of the sort...if we can get in there, then we'd be considered for the print version.  


Exciting.  We'll see.


Meanwhile I need to get ready to consider "Time..." and an edit.  I'll get to it eventually.


So yeah, it's been a busy past month or two.  Not exactly making any money, but whatever.  I cannot complain, and the future is feeling like a bright one.  How can it not be?


Too much time is wasted worrying about shit we can't change, WTF is going on with too many other things...I don't have time to listen to people's bitching anymore about things they can't change.  Change yourself for fuck's sake.


That's it...I'm the fuck out.

The Process

I'm still alive, but it was one more long, strange weekend.


Walkman starter, "Highways and Heartaches," by Joe Ely.  That should help wake me up, along with a large iced coffee, plus whatever medicines are working in me.


Friday went well at WITF; a good, smooth day, and I'm finally figuring a lot more out.  Turned out to be one hell of a day, and evening.


Got to see Alice again, and we are definitely something.  Well, she's something anyway!  Where the hell have we each been all our lives...I'm just happier than I've been in a long time.  Interesting what a relationship will do, isn't it?


The weekend veered off into weirdness.  I did the afternoon/evening shift for KYW, and while that was all well and good, I had no idea what was waiting for me after.


In the middle of all this, I am back home for Beltane.  The coven and friends gathered at my house, at the last minute for the weather.  Short, but very good ritual; went well, had a good time.  Of course, mindful I have to get up in the am.


I had to do the fast turnaround, which meant leave midnight Saturday and then be back there at like 10 am Sunday...easy, right.


WRONG.


The first part of the shift went pretty fast; the Phillies were playing in the evening, the Sixers are out of the playoffs, and the Flyers dropped their first game to the Bruins the night before.  The Union won, but KYW doesn't give a fuck about soccer, even though they send reporters to the home games.


"Cready Stomp," studio outtake by Pearl Jam...nice.  Perfect for what comes next:


About 2 pm, Rick, my boss calls.  Our far-flung weekender who works for ESPN is stuck in New York State with a broken down ride.  He will not make it.  I proceed to make the decision to stay, until midnight.


Double shift time...running on little sleep as it is, I figure, no big deal, right...yeah, right.  I keep going, the night drags on, and of course, the Phils and Mets go into extra innings!


14 innings.  1-1 game; at least it was interesting to some extent.  I felt so brain dead, normally I can find other things to do, multi-task, etc.  Not really.  


I didn't get out of there until 1 am, Monday.  15 hour shift.  Hey it's money, right?  As I was prepping to leave, I see my WITF boss, Tim Lambert for the second time.  He was here when I arrived, and he was back before I left.


Reason?  Heard during the game that Osama bin Laden had been killed in a firefight in Pakistan.  So he's in to do the news thing, and planned to go over to the all-night diner across the highway to get sound.


The fun of this world of radio of ours.


"Infinite Love," Nawang Khechog...very different segue, no?


I stagger over to the Sunoco station to get coffee for the ride home...gonna need it.  See some punk band rolling up for gas...can't even remember their name now, a lot of S's in the name.


Crash and burn.


Eight hours later, I'm awake.  Why, I don't know.  Monday, back to the Office, where I finally start to get to work again on "Silk Road Days."  This book is taking a long time to write; I've been rewriting, and adding scenes through the first part of it, because there's a lot missing, and I have a lot more development to do.


Oh, and the TrafficTalk gang called.  I was asked to help cut a phone promo on a new idea they have to deal with the service.  Still talking with people, still working on ideas, funding, etc.  


So now...I was up until 1:30 am, writing, and doing stuff.  The band is hopefully going to gather, at least two or three of us, but would you not know?


Darren, our fill-in drummer was to host Dan and myself; just now he calls...power's out.


Weird shit.  So waiting now to see if Dan's awake and what he'll do.


"Your Hands," John & Yoko...mostly Yoko...oh dear.  Her poetry is good, her voice is NOT.  Skip.


"I Can't Explain," studio version, the Who...now we're talking!


Back to Alice...can't stop thinking of her and talking of her.  I have been loathe to write much about her, or mention who she is online, because I don't want to jinx what we have here.  She's a professional stagehand, and knows all that behind the scenes stuff. She has an attitude, she's Pagan (slightly different than me, but who cares?), and rather uninhibited.


Think I finally found my match.  Damn.  It is a very strange situation, but I'm quite pleased, and very happy.  To have someone tell you they love you is really amazing...especially when you know they  mean it.


"Fortune Teller," Who Live at Leeds...ahhh...yes, there's a lot of Who on my Walkman.


So, I now look at things a little differently.  I have a reasonable amount of work right now, and while the new guy at ITF starts later this month, I at least have some extra hours.  All good, but I do wonder about further down the road.  Just gotta keep dealing with things as best I can.  Yet I sometimes wonder about my decisions at times.


See what we can do, I suppose...we all do.


Pittsburgh in a couple of days...hope to make it there in time to have lunch with an old friend and radio colleague, then putz about until I meet Riz for the Jim Jeffries show...and of course, work all weekend right after.  This is life; this is what we insane people do.


"Trees," Paul Weller...weird fucking song on his latest album...about sex changes, I think...or something...need to skip.  I love the Jam and Weller on his own, but oh God not now...


"The Secret Agent Ending," Philip Glass, "Glass Reflections" CD...gotta get going, now.