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Sunday, May 6, 2012

I am so sure this is gonna get me in trouble with someone...

...well, it's not all that bad but I'm sure someone is going to take issue with something I have to say.

"Out Take Number 9," by Manu Katche started my iTunes thing while I blog...I generally write these while at my "Office," and while you can hate on Morebucks all you like, there are certain ones that are good.  It's the people who run it, plus other things that make places like this useful.

"Turkish Night," Ottmar Liebert...good place to start.

The past few days have been as usual galling in some ways and not in others.  Nothing much has changed, but I do realize that again I'm reminded that change is something I must consider, not others.

Case in Point #1:  Alice and I called it quits the other night, for the final time.  Now, she will read this, so I damned well better be careful.  Suffice to say, I'm not what she needs, and she is not what I do.

We are still friends, and very good ones.  Alice has done a lot of good for me this past year, and I don't forget it.  We also each have our own issues; we each have to tackle them.

That's where I wonder:  when "change" becomes an issue, why is it for me hard to understand why I must change?

It's inevitable, we know that.  Most people fear change, and go mad in their efforts to avoid it.  Some to the point of madness; people who walk the same walk every day of their lives, go to the exact same places at the exact same time every day, order the exact same thing every day, etc.

That is NOT me.  Oh, never.  That would be boring.

"Suite from Hamlet, Op. 116," Shostakovich...a track from one of the CDs I "borrowed" from my work, heh.

I have been told (no, implied), by certain people(s) and I'm sure it won't be the last time, that I need to change.  But of course, I must change for ME, not for THEM.

The latter is a common error we all make; we change for our spouses, girlfriends, families, bosses, etc.  It's a terrible mistake; we have to do it for ourselves, and only ourselves.  Even if sucks for the world around you, a change YOU make must be for YOU.

And then you have to fucking do it.

I have also had it implied that I am somehow not a complete person.  But no one is complete, nor are they perfect.  

"Incidental Music to King Lear," same CD.  Tympani rolls, gathering storm clouds...hmm...forboding.

I think there's things missing in my life, but what are they?  I don't know; a lot of people seem to think they know, and some may be right.  

I have tried in recent years to be different, to be better...etc.

"Walk On," James isn't that interesting?  If you've ever heard that song, you know how much it makes sense.

This much I know...I am not a horrible person.  I am a good person, though I may be different beyond people's wishes.

If there's going to be change, I have to figure out what I want to change about me that is right.  You can't just change your mind or your look or whatever.  'Cause someone else will find fault with it.

Now, this is going to sound really weird, and probably knee-jerk, or defeatist, or whatever:  I have spent too many years of my life trying to please other people, and be what they want me to be.  And I do not feel at this point I can please anyone, ever.

Most of my life, it's been, I'm not good enough.  I'll never be good enough, I'll never amount to other people's eyes.

The key for me was to stop believing it.

"Walkin' On the Moon," Police, live version.

Case in Point #2:

I was in the sauna at my gym the other day, when a large, athletic fellow came in.  Friendly enough guy, and actually a very nice man.  He saw my Om tattoo...

...uh oh.

He asked what it meant, and I explained.  He actually listened, but I knew right away he was a Christian.  Now this doesn't matter, but maybe it does.

He was an African-American fellow, and clearly went to one of the churches of that sort...I do not know if it was AME, or one of the others, I did not ask.  Not my biz.

Well, he seemed to get where I was coming from, but as it often is with "Christians," why do I get the feeling my faith and spirituality were being politely shit upon?

He explained how his faith has helped him move forward in life, and that's good.  It did make sense to me, and it's not much different than any other faith, a point I tried to make.

He went on to quote varied texts in the Bible, which I see make sense for him, and all that.

Then he saw my other tat...the pentacle.

Oh, fuck.

Well, he did not call me a Satan worshipper or any of that, but oh he really does think Christianity was brought to us heathens in Northern Europe, etc.  He came up with some other bizarre allusions to why we're all such horrid creatures.

Now, he never once put me down, or called me anything bad.  He really was a nice man, and I don't think he meant to attack me at all, not at all.  Honestly, I'd love to talk more to him, because I'd really like to know where this came from.

But there it is...not all, but a lot of Christians like to find a way to let you know you are not good enough.

I respect his rights to his views, his feelings, and his convictions.  If they work for him, then good.

What I am is right for me.  Deal with it.

"P2 Vatican Blues," George Harrison...interesting yet again.

I am evolving, in the spiritual world, and it's because I wish to and must.  Not because anyone says I have to.

"Father," Sean Costello.  Been slow in adding the tracks.

Now I have to kind of think through a bunch of other things.

I cleaned out my altar room (a tiny closet), and burned candles and incense there.  Also did a symbolic burning the night before Beltane.  Needed to get that out.

Who I am needs to be more conscious of stuff, yes.  I have to get there, and get back to having the moment be more useful.

Alice made some good points...negative energy is a killer, and without knowing it, we contribute to it.  Even when we're making a joke it can be pretty hard.

She says my Facebook stuff, even this (I'd surmise) can turn folks off.  If so, then I'm sorry.  I sure hope people realize I don't do things to deliberately hurt people.  But we are all capable of doing stuff that's dumb.

You'd hope we learn, right?

I'm pledging to you and to whomever that I'll try to be more mindful.  I am told I sabotage myself, and perhaps I do.  Not planning it, but there it is.  I don't think most people do stupid shit with the intent of doing stupid shit, but we do it because we're humans.

Of course...some humans think some humans are more human than know from "Animal Farm?"  "All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others."

"Hot Burrito #2," Flying Burrito Brothers.  

That is a good segue into the next train of thought.

I'm told I'm not happy here.  Alice again with this point of view.  Her thoughts of the way I view Pennsylvania, and those who live in it.

I do admit, I've been heavy-handed.  I referred to certain people recently who turned a state that is beautiful and has a lot of good going for it into a giant pig farm.

Yeah, bit much, sorry about that.

You get that everywhere; I know, yes you do.  Because again, we're fucking human.

Am I not happy here?  I don't know.  At times I feel like I've spent 12 years of my life here, and for what?  Well, I know for what.  It was all part of what I needed to learn about my life, and about me.

I do not hate the state.  I don't care for the politics, the hammer-headed religiosity of some people, and the arrogance of certain folk.  But again, you get that everywhere.

I'm sure most Pennsylvanians must see me as some stranger from the north, still, after all this time.  "From Away," Mainers would call out of state people. Vermonters call them "Flatlanders" or "Outtastaters."

"Faithless," Black Country Communion.  Deep and forboding again...

I don't know if I can afford to move, because there is less work out there than I have here.  If I have to follow the money (as I did in the past), I may have to.

That's life; if I am here I will accept it as such, and yes, I can be happy here among those who have made it good for me.

If I go, so I do.  Life is how it is, and what you make it.  I have to now figure out how to make it from this point on.

On to the writing...I have finished "Time the Healer," and started editing.  It's long, way long, but there's reasons for that I am sure.  

More needs to be done with other projects, but now I'm feeling more than ever that I wrote this way because there was a reason for it.  There is a lot to tell, and if it takes more words, so be it.

I'm not being arrogant when I say I know I am a better writer than a fair number of people who are being called authors.  That time will come when it's meant to.

I must be coming off as a real curmudgeon now, hehhehheh...I have needed to get this out for a while.

Out of all this, I'm trying to balance out all the information, advice and every other thing that has been weighing on me for a couple of years now.

My seemingly anti-social behavior of recent months and years is not because I'm cutting myself off, I just have a lot to sort out.  

"Green River," Bill Wyman's Rhythm Kings...great version.

Hm, this is all fitting out in a weird way.

Anyway, I needed to get this out...thanks for reading, hope you found something in it useful.

I have to get to work, but then again I don't work...I do what makes a difference and is also fun.  I've had best of both worlds for a long time, and I still do.

Who says you can't enjoy your work?  If you don't, then let me take the liberty of saying maybe YOU have the issue.  Hee hee hee...

As my friend and colleague Megan says, "I'm peacing out."

"Magic Bus," (do I really have to tell you...?)


  1. Sounds like you've been mulling a lot of stuff over. I don't mind what you post on FB, why would it turn anyone off? As you know I made a huge change in my life last year, and it takes a lot of work to leave the old toxic crap behind and commit to the changes. You do seem unhappy in PA, or at least stagnant in PA. Maybe it's time to move on?

    1. I have considered a move back to New England, JoJo; it is one place I'm looking at but the only way I could afford to live there again is if the money is good (I hate to be like that, but it's the truth).
      There is a lot of good here; I've met some amazing folks and had a very fulfilling time. Is it time? I don't know; I have to see what happens. In the meantime, if I am offered a reason to stay, then it is life and it is meant. So we'll see.
      BTW, I read your blog, and I love it. I used to work down that way, and it's a beautiful place.