"take a look down at the madman..."
"Knife-Edge" by ELP kicked off my laptop iTunes as I begin this blog. It's been a while since I've written one, and it's time to again take stock of the madness, and the madman...
I just got out of a visit to my doctor, whom I've not seen in 6 years. Primary care...my issues are again being looked at, and here's what we have going.
My agitated state of mind and body has been noted and logged in more ways than one. Of late, it has manifested itself into something that is slowly getting out of hand...again.
I've made it no secret that I suffer from depression. I have been aware of it since I was about 12, and I'm sure it went before that. With it came the motor agitation that at the time was just put down to general nervousness or hyperactivity.
I have NOT been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder or anything of that sort. I'm pretty sure that is not my case; I have relatives and friends with it, and I've seen enough to know I'm not that extreme.
But it is extreme enough at times.
My stress level is way up...my blood pressure was 20 points higher than it should have been when they checked me this morning, but that came from the agitation of being late for the appointment and trying to find the place.
This kind of thing is happening way too much lately. I had been thinking the past few months about what would happen to this country if suddenly things stopped working, and this gives you an idea:
What if...little things we rely on stopped working?
The power going out in the snowstorm recently here...whoa, didn't people get highly pissed at that?
I remember being very worried about my pipes freezing, and the widespread outages made me worry as well for my aging landlords. But they had a wood stove, so they were okay.
But that...or even tinier things:
At the Morebucks, the Internet has this very annoying habit of freezing your screens. A lot. Free WiFi comes with a w/o warning freezeup that freaks people out.
It is an annoyance for me, but not one I will die over.
But some people freak out over this shit.
Traffic...same thing...I've experienced and viewed how we all get right out of our fucking minds if things don't go just right.
Stress...our E-string gets wound way too tight.
Well, for me it has been ongoing as a problem. I am not a huge fan of "South Park," but the kid named Tweak...that was me at 12.
"I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THIS PRESSURE!"
I identify with him.
The doc is pretty sure I don't have ADD...she has a kid with it, so I think she'd know.
We had a long talk about the depression, and where it stands. She noted the tremors in my hands. Not Parkinson's or anything like that, thankfully.
But yeah, my past and the stuff I've finally come to terms with...that, plus my feeling so scattered, at a loss, and overloaded with shit.
It is causing problems nearly everywhere I go, and I have to get a grip on it all.
Certain things are in my favor. I quit drinking 16 years ago because of my intestinal issues, and that's all good. I stopped smoking six months ago, and I've been working out since then.
My weight is 12-15 pounds less than it was back then, and I do feel a damn sight better. The workouts have helped relieve a lot of stress, but that's not all of it.
The meds...up they go for a bit.
"Hey Darlin'" by Racing Rain is up...very nice...
I've been on Zoloft for 11 years, a light dose...we're going to up it, and see what happens. Hopefully I can tolerate it.
Trying as well to find other things to cool myself out, but just that alone does not always work.
Oh, yes, I have to cut back on the caffeine! Oh dear...what will I do?
I know what I have to do, so I'll handle it...a switch to tea shouldn't be too bad, and if I can find decaf that doesn't taste like muddy water I'll be happy.
Also, I will be seeing a therapist, I think.
I'm sure you're having images of Woody Allen in "Annie Hall," lying on a couch with some Freudian shrink asking about his sex life. I don't think it's gonna be like that. This will be a psychologist, not a shrink.
"Dukes Intro," Genesis...semi-prog.
I think it will help me work out a bunch of issues that I have tried to handle on my own, and now cannot completely do. I don't think we're going to find any great breakthroughs here, but I'm not afraid to admit that it might be time for such a thing.
Oh yeah...the man I'm being referred to is Jewish. HAHAHA! Isn't that a trip? Doesn't matter to me, but it is funny, isn't it?
Anyway, I'm really alright, and I think I'll get this taken care of...
I do have to get some parts of my life better organized, and I hope to do that.
Now that I am done with serializing "Take Another Road," I was really hoping for some more opinions and critiques. Haven't got many, and I'm hopeful someone would take the time to let me know what they thought of it, good, bad, indifferent.
I'm doing one final edit of "Silk Road Days" for now; I will be re-examining the "Sweet Dreams Series" to see what we can do next to make it viable. I hope to again find a way to make this thing workable, but we need to push harder in certain areas.
"Breakout," an updated jazzy version by Swing out Sister. I've always loved Corrine Drewrey's voice...sexy as all hell.
So much more to deal with...I'll see what comes next.
And life goes on I suppose...back on WITF this afternoon, then a game on the Ticket...things aren't too bad at all, are they?