The Shootdown, and Next Steps

Well, I can now talk about what has been going on the past several days, now that it is not happening.


Last Monday, I interviewed at one of my workplaces for a full-time gig.  The discussions went really well, and I had to admit I felt very much in line to get this job.  I certainly have the experience, the skill, and all that other stuff to make it a good go.


As often is the case, there's always one more person with just a bit more of what they're looking for.  Actually, there may have been more than one, I'm sure of it; I appreciated being considered, and I got a nice phone call from my potential boss saying I was passed over.


I was not surprised; I've learned you cannot get your hopes up too high, or you will come crashing right down on your ego.  It's not fun.


Now, I do admit there was a letdown; I momentarily felt bad, and envisioned myself smashing my head against a wall and screaming, "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK...!"


Then it passed.  Very quickly, actually.  Nothing has changed; I still work there, I am going to be needed in that capacity, and I still have options.


One of those is kind of one I should have thought of before, but I did look into it the past couple of days.  Not much to expect out of that, but we'll see.


My other options remain; one of which is a practical consideration, which means holding out for a bit and waiting to see what transpires.


The other, I carry on with.  This one is the longer-range goal, but I have continued on this line for nearly four years, and I cannot see a need to stop.


We're of course talking about my writing.  I have finished off edits of two of my manuscripts in recent days, and I feel quite good about the improvements that were made.


This is not a me-me thing, but I have been intensely creative since I began writing the first installment of the Sweet Dreams Series in August of 2007.  I have completed three fiction series of the kind that readers of the SDS drafts will understand; I have also completed a series of stories of a more adult-oriented nature, and that means the main characters are adults mostly, and these are for a more adult market.  Though again, people of all ages can read these and get an idea of where I am going.


This is where I'm going; I am a writer, and again I believe.  The same way Eddie Izzard said you have to believe you are whatever you are in order to succeed, no matter how long that takes you.


Izzard toiled in obscurity for many years, and he paid his dues.  I remember Patricia Routledge (Hyacinth from Keeping Up Appearances, and numerous other stage, screen and TV roles) saying of a fellow actress who had worked for many years without ever being known that well, then finally getting her chance to show what she had.  It's a great feeling to have that happen, and to see others have it work for them.


There are numerous friends I have about me who are writers of one kind or another.  One is self-published; Jim Henry is the author of the "Antiquity Calais" series.  The first book is out there, and he's getting the second one ready.


I am not into the self-publishing route, because I am aware that I do not know the first thing about it.  Even what I do know, I don't feel confident on; I suppose also I want to do it the old-fashioned way, ie, going with an agent and a publisher because I want to see for myself (not just the readers of the world) that I can do this, and be successful at it.


For me, success is getting signed, and getting published.  It has nothing to do with book sales figures, hitting #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list, or any of that.  There are levels to success:  the first one is getting there.


The second is perpetuating the storyline of the SDS, and how I see it working out.  This has potential, and as I've said to others, there is nothing I've done in my life I feel more confident about than this.


The other series?  The other stories?  Most of them are as good, if not better.  Some still need work, sure; they all do.  I will see it through as long as I live.


In the meantime, what do you do?  You keep writing.  You keep working.  You keep doing what you have to do to survive, and moving forward.  That's it, folks, at least in my view.


No one is to blame for it not happening, and no one has stood in my way.  I've taken this the direction I want it to go, and it'll go where it's meant to.


It is hard to patient, yes; but you have to be.  This is a huge exercise in patience, but I feel like I've grown up just enough to make it work.  It will, dammit!


Right now, I have one manuscript that is bugging the shit out of me.  The Beauty Way has never really panned out the way I hoped it would.  I've rewritten quite a bit, and lengthened the story; problem is, it's too familiar to me.  It does not work.


That's a challenge; to make it work, and I will get back to it one day, but for now, it's just not there.  More stuff needs to come up, or come out of me.  One thing that seems to happen a lot is that stories, scenes, ideas, often little thing will just present themselves, and I'll realize I need it for that story.  More time needed there.


Okay, that's my latest rant on the writing world...and life in general.  Away we go...

I Ain't Ever Satisfied (Steve Earle)

At the Office, before I head out on my latest job.  Kaitryth wishes to hire me as her "driver" for a time.  Kera is returning to work, so her coven/housemate cannot do it, and the old Neon finally said, "Bye."


I have the time, at least for now, after that, we'll have to see.  


Made it through the holidays; I have to find out where I'm supposed to be this weekend.  There's a NYE event in Selinsgrove I will be at, and I must get directions for all of it.  Too many this and that things to deal with.


Oh, and I've embarked on a rewrite of a story I wrote last summer, "The Beauty Way."  That is the title of a song by Eliza Gilkyson, and I own a cover of it by Ray Wylie Hubbard, which is really good.


The story only is about a half-book, about 130 pages, and I didn't like it.  It became a semi-autobiographical rant, and I had to do better than that.


I'm adding new elements, and slowly trying to make sense of it all.  It will take time to pull together, which I hope to do in the new year.


Nothing new on the agent front; we still have pubs. reading it, and I'm waiting to find out about them.  Need to learn more about Jeanie's idea of packaging the first three of the SDS to work that way.  An idea that would work, because the three stand on their own well.  All that other happy horseshit.


The need to read other's work is a very good thing, but sometimes I think you have to guard against listening too closely or reading too deeply.  You then become the people you're reading.  Not good.


I awoke to WITF's "Radio Smart Talk."  Now, I generally refer to this program as "Whine Talk," because the host and everyone on the show whine incessantly, and it's usually about local politics, or the disease of the week that's going to kill you.  The callers are by and large whiny as well.


Talk radio is dead in terms of growth and development.  Whining, complaining, false outrages, and staged activity that makes pro wrestling look like the UFC.  


Anyway, today was a rerun of an interview with David Sedaris.  Interesting guy, and they ran a cut of one of his short stories.  Very intriguing style, and a very intelligent person.  Clever stuff.


It's definitely not my style, but you can learn from that.  If anything, I have to stay me, and not worry about what others think.  The point is to get your point across, style and form be damned.


So anyway, back to "The Beauty Way."  This is going to be different.  This I suppose was my first stab at an adult novel or one with adults in it.  I don't know where it's going to go, but I just feel I need to create a lot more than what is already there.


We'll see what happens, and I'm sure I'll let the whole world know about it, harharhar.


Steve Earle's old song was going through my Walkman as I started this, and yes, I ain't ever satisfied either.  Not by much.


I can be for certain things, not others.


Oh...now I remember something Sedaris said that got me...he said in paraphrasing that we are always looking for something to make us feel better than the next person.


Case in point:  someone found out another person had cancer.  The first person (to themselves, I assume) thought well, that person is negative and has negative thoughts and so of course they got it.


The idea I think is that things like that can happen to any of us; we can't wish it away.


I do however feel that attitudes can contribute to health issues.  They may not be the only thing, but they might play a part in it.  The inability to let things go, guilt, fears, sadness, that kind of stuff.  It's not something to dismiss out of hand.


You just have to wonder about these things; I suppose I am looking at that as well.  Do I have things to get rid of?  I do; but how is the question.


That's one of the reasons I write; to get those things out, as ugly and unpleasant as some of them might be.  As my writings progress, more and more of that stuff gets out there, and I'm not sure what people are gonna make of that.


I do think that some of my family might just wonder what the fuck was going on in my head all those years.  In certain areas, some of them will think it's just Tory being Tory.  Others, they're probably gonna go, WHAT THE FUCK?!?


If anything, it'll make people think.  At least I hope to do that.


As Eddie Izzard so correctly pointed out, "You have to believe."  You have to believe that you are this, that or whatever.


I believe, no, I KNOW...