Well, it is now almost four weeks since I stopped the meds, give or take a day or two. I have to tell you, and I don't think I've made this plain enough...withdrawal from this is KIND OF LIKE THIS:
This is the Dresden Dolls, Amanda Palmer's old band. "Girl Anachronism" pretty much sums up what it feels like.
It's that fucked up.
Anyway, the last day or two I'm finally starting to feel a better sense of control. I'm not freaking out as much, not ready to erupt (my favorite word), and not feeling like I want to destroy things.
iTunes just went from something by Kronos Quartet to "Perpetual Motion," by Anthrax. Interesting segue. But my life has been that the last 20-some days.
Finally starting to clear up a little. I spent much of yesterday afternoon-evening dragging my cheap Office Max desk/table combo out from the wall, and re-arranging it. I did this for a nook-like space in the Vibe Room, but also to compromise with the cats. They can still leap madly into the air, land on my table and bounce up to my old desk at the windows so they can watch Bird TV...without destroying too many things.
Still too soon to know if this is going to work...I was very close to quitting and just going back on the meds. I resisted because I had to get rid of what's in me. And I came out the other side; like most of us do.
I have before me notes on my writings, on my regular tasks, my workout schedule, and my work. You know, the one that makes money...whatever that once was.
I also managed to fuck up my desktop. Alice is coming down tomorrow to see if it can be saved; if not, she has a refurbished laptop for me. Bless the Woman.
Had a lovely Sunday evening...oh God!
"A Love Song (from a Different Point of View)" by Jimmy Buffett. You get to figure that one out.
But yes, we had a nice evening meal, out by her new fire circle. Really well done, and a good time. We both have been helping each other out, though our relationship is done.
The other aspects of it are good, quite good. Same old; we're better as friends, but I am okay with that. She is finding what she needs to, as I do. Together we'd never do it; apart, we can and we are able to compare our notes. All good.
I have other things I need to deal with...still trying to clean up around here, making space, creating better space. Very slow process, this will be, as my limited ability gives to me.
She found for me a very unique book called "The Bit Ching." It's written by Russell Slocum and a second PA author, and is a take on the I Ching. It is helpful in so many ways, and incredibly useful. Take it in bits, really; they even have a chart to use.
"It's My Own Fault," Johnny Winter...something from "The Progressive Blues Experiment." Nice...
Oh, I can go off on fucking iTunes, and Apple in general! I think I will.
Heard of "The Cloud?" Well, understand that Apple thinks you know as much as they do about everything; and we don't.
Cloud supposedly stored some 18,000 of my songs from my now comatose PC. The iMatch thingie was supposed to match up these songs, plus the however many I had on my MacBook.
It did, and it didn't...half the songs didn't match, and had to be uploaded by manual pushing of the button. Many didn't load after that, because the files were corrupted.
I finally had enough when it started wiping away tracks and play counts, and fuck knows what else!
Apple does not really want to talk to you, you know. After a lot of flips and twists, I managed to find someone to talk to; nice young lady, and very cool. She could feel the heat coming down the line, but I was polite. She asked a very interesting question...wait for it...
"What is your Mac OS X whateveritis?" You know, 10.5, 10.6, Lion, Snow Leopard, Crouching Tiger, Honking Blue Wildebeest, etc.?
I tell her 10.5.8, or something like that. I think that's what it is...I get this...ahhhhhhh...down the line.
WTF is that? I wonder.
"Your Mac cannot handle iMatch. It needs to be at least Lion or whatever..."
NOW THEY FUCKING TELL ME.
OK...well, I cancelled out of the fucking thing, and to Apple's credit, I've gotten my refund. Very nice.
Oh...Fuck! All that stress for fucking nothing.
And to top it all off, I did something to kill my PC, or kill what was on it.
Thank Heavens for backups...jump drives, external hard drives and all those other lovely things.
If not, my life's work would have been lost and I'd have shot myself.
My writings are safe, thankfully.
I am skipping "Hair of Spun Gold" by Janis Ian. I just do not want to hear it.
"Ugly Beauty," by Thelonius Monk is next. Better.
But well, I did lose a few things, but nothing that I don't have someplace else or can't get back. It could have been worse; much worse.
Phooooo...now let's see.
I've taken advantage of some time by getting my debts paid off. I had resisted the urge to dip into my savings, but things now dictate I must do this. It is a load off my back; used to be I could just pay as I went, and this was a game to see if I could handle the pressure and stress of the debt destroyer again.
Not yet, I guess. Whatever.
I have to admit, when it comes to my writings, it's very hard to return to them. I must also confess a little envy when I hear of friends who have published or friends of friends who have.
Is my stuff not that good?
Is it incomprehensible but to those few who've read it?
Or are they all just bullshitting me, in order to not upset me?
No...I know what I've got is good, and I have more to do. Must also be patient, and yet not too lazy, either.
I don't know if you've ever seen this, but if not:
This is the trailer for "Deep Water," a film about the first nonstop round the world solo yachting race. It mostly deals with the mad story of Donald Crowhurst, who looked ready to win one of the two prizes, when suddenly...he disappeared.
This is a great film. The people who raced, those who were involved, all of it. The yachtsman and legendary sailor Bernard Moitessier was one of those involved, and he quit the race to sail again round the world, making it 1.5 times before landing in Tahiti.
Crowhurst's story is more compelling...amazing, fascinating, and scary.
You should be able to buy this cheap, or rent it. Well worth it.
I took away a lot, and especially the quotes by Moitessier. These were chronicled in his book, "The Long Way."
I feel compelled to watch it again tonight or tomorrow. Maybe I need to.
"Your Wildest Dreams," Moody Blues Live at Red Rocks...isn't that a sign?
It ain't over yet...to quote Bernard, "I know where I am going, I feel it deeply..."
If there was more to tell you, I can't remember it. Not important, I guess.