So it has been a few days, and I wonder if there's been any progress. I rather doubt it, but for my own peace of mind I have to put some new things out there.
Part of my decision making process has been to consider just what needs to change. When you recover from illness of any kind, doctors generally say that the repair of the body is the first thing that needs to be done. The mind can wait, because it will follow after that.
I remember that very much being the case when I was in my car wreck in '94. I had a long physical recovery, which did not get any assist from the other illness that followed it. Mentally, I was not myself for probably two years. I was there, but not always there.
That was then. Physically, not much has to change right now. So I can safely go to the mind, and figure out what needs to be done.
I knew that certain associations had to be cut. One of the most difficult is my coven; as I have formally informed my leader, I believe it is okay to say so now: I am leaving my coven, once we can prepare for the parting, and the other matters I must take care of in order to make a right exit.
Protocols are different in any group, but you don't just say, "That's it, I quit!" on something like this. Certain others have done that, and it's bad form, along with whatever karmic madness that is likely to follow you.
That is a difficult decision, but it's one that I put off for two years. Most of you are aware of the "relationship" that existed between the leader and myself. We both thought that was in the past, but apparently it was not. There to me is still an invisible link, if you will.
Also, that part of my life, while good, educational and inspiring, has come to an end. I can give no more, and it can give me no more. I have learned all that's learnable there.
I have to take in hand my own plans for my development and resumption of growth. What I am does not change, only it will go forward. I have to look into some other areas, too.
A lot of things are going to change; as I've warned, if people don't see me it's not because I'm avoiding them. It's not because I no longer like them, or anything silly like that. I just have to go this way, or else I'll go mad. Or perhaps, madder than I naturally am.
Alice gave me some ideas...she lent me a pair of interesting books...it's funny how I used to read voraciously, then I stopped. My attempts to read books that I thought were useful to me, I could not. They would morph as I read into these repetitive, twisted plays on words that stopped making sense about halfway through. What good is that?
When I began to write the Sweet Dreams Series in 2007, I didn't read much at all. I was too busy creating my own universe to worry; but it is true, you really do need to read other writers' work, because you can learn a great deal.
Still, haven't read much, but now and again I would find things that did interest me, from either the storyline or the standpoint that I could understand that person's writing style.
Among them is Larry McMurtry, who of course wrote "Lonesome Dove" and "The Last Picture Show." His style is very different, very short sentences, paragraphs, etc. It's his unique way. "Picture Show" was the book that pretty much made his career, and his recent "Rhino Ranch" ended the four-book series of that subject. Great stuff.
It was no surprise that I'd become a fan of his son, James before all this. James is a brilliant musician and songwriter, with some incredibly gritty, humorous and well-written songs. I would recommend his "Live in Europe" recording which recently came out, or "Just Us Kids." If you can find his 1990 recording, "Too Long in the Wasteland," that's also great.
So anyway...a lot of my spiritual readings tend to disappear into that aforementioned whatever...I just lose the plot. Were they writing to fill up the book or what?
Alice did lend me a book by Osho, about relationships, which helped her back when she needed it. I have a deck of cards by this man, which always make you think and refocus a little. You're supposed to use one card a week, read it, think about it.
His opinions on religion will shock and anger a lot of people, but the idea is to get beyond the things that keep us unhappy, in place, and fucked up. It's a slow, thoughtful read.
Easier was a short book of meditations by Tony DeMello...these are things I kind of know about, but a refocus comes through them.
I found one of my own...Jidda Krishnamurti wrote one called "Where Can Peace Be Found?" This one is quite good. I would recommend this to anyone; peace has to start with us, and we cannot rely on a church or a gov't to do this. We can't even rely on our friends or family...it starts with us.
I think all of this is telling me, that I do again have to take a stronger hand than I have before in finding my own form of peace. There are, as I've said times when I have it, and times when I don't.
Then there's this...I have never fully understood them, but Krishna Das brought these prayers and chants to the world. One of these formed the basis of an Ahltyrra song, "All One."
The one you hear is becoming part of a new song. I found myself chanting this one while driving the other day, and the calming atmosphere that arrives is a needed thing.
So there's more Buddhist stuff to be found here...a lot of the mindfulness, the grounding and centering required in Paganism, and these other things. Basically, quieting myself before I can go anywhere else.
That said, I did another edit of SDS-2, aka "Call it Love." Needed it; I'm starting to find my writing style in another direction, and I think the first two books of the series are finally on the track required. All good.
Other than that, need to get my head together further...not always easy, and I have a feeling I'm going to be in the wilderness for a bit. Whatever; needs to be done.