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Friday, June 24, 2011

Bloodletting

I'll bet that got your attention, didn't it?  ;-)


Well, I am not sure how much of this I should even blog about, but we are all rather public individuals now, aren't we?  I also write this to let my friends know everything's cool, and not to worry about me.


Alice let me go yesterday...you can say dropped me, dumped me, broke up with me, whatever.  That's not really the case.  She has let me go because she has seen enough of me to know that I am not the right person in her life at this time, for that.


Not so much anything I've done, for we are good friends, and that does not change.  But she is the first person to either have the insight (or the balls) to say what needed to be said to me.


No one, save one unnamed person a long fucking time ago has ever really told me what I needed to know.  It is not that I'm a bad, terrible, awful person, no.  I just have "things" that need to be dealt with.


I have been well aware for nearly two years that things in my life have to change, but I have not approached them very well, not because of fear, but because I didn't even know how to begin.


Some of these are personal matters, and even I am not going to put them out here, though I may explain them later.


The feeling I have had for nearly two years is that I have become fed up with a lot of circumstances, and I am the one that must change them.  I'm not getting anywhere.  My growth has stopped.


This is not good; I know for example that the mindfulness that I have tried to live my life by is like a camera shutter:  it clicks on and off.  I don't even know it's happening.


Alice has seen between the clicks.  She also has been where I am now; she knows she can't stop what's happening to me, I have to.  


So anyway...we had this very long talk yesterday, and I know how much it hurt Alice to do it, but she had to, for her own sake. She did give me some of the tools to at least figure out where I'm going.


I'm sure...right now, someone reading this is thinking, "OMG, who is this woman that's fucking with his head?"  


That is not happening.  I'm making the decisions.  There is no guarantee that Alice and I will ever be anything more than friends, and I'm not eyeing any prize, either.  I'm eyeing what I have to do.


So yeah...on my way home, having zero sleep because I was at work at 3 am before all this...what do I do?  When you go through these things, you have all kinds of interesting and strange shit running through your brain.  All the fun emotions:  anger, depression, sadness, fear, relief even.


Well, I have strange ways of dealing with things, and I suppose I allowed my brain to take a break from it by just, as Alice said, "being good to myself" a little.


I went shopping.  Haha!  Funny, isn't it?  Actually, I did need to get some new clothes for work anyway, so that served a purpose.  I'm not a terribly frivolous person (though anyone who has seen my CD and guitar collections would say otherwise).  There was other errands to run, so I detached my brain a little from the furor to get shit done.


I also cleaned...cleaning is a good way to burn a lot of excess energy, and I needed to do it (again, if you've been to my house, you'd say that too).


The Dresden Dolls "Yes, Virginia" CD is quite a lovely soundtrack, at 11.  Go listen on Youtube if you don't know them. You will either be amused or deeply offended.


Also dug out a ton of shit in my house that needed to go...always good to clean things out.  


So that being said, there are a lot of other things I need to do.  It doesn't mean stop anything I enjoy doing or any of that...I just need to get my head together, and get rid of some things.


So yes...stuff needs to change, and it's me, mostly.  None of this is the end of my life, but I also need to move forward.  Not my writing, not my music, not anything outside of me.  It's just me.


If you don't see me or hear from me, it's not that I'm being anti-social or telling you all off, hardly that.  Just doing what I have to.


This is not your classic, "OMG, she left me and I feel like shit and I'm going to kill the bitch and I'm going to drink myself into oblivion and I'm gonna die..............whaaaaaaaa..."


FUCK NO.


I hate that shit.  That's in the movies.


Stop living like your life is one, for fuck's sake.  


Anyway...time to move on...thanks for reading, hahaha...

4 comments:

  1. I completely understand this and I think it's great that you came to this understanding. It sounds like what needs to happen for you is going to happen and that's a good thing. :) Lots of love.

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  2. Thanks very much, Peace.

    TG

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  3. I'm sorry, but I guess I shouldn't be so sorry too? :) Whatever it is you need to do I wish you all the luck and strength that it will take to get it taken care of. Thanks for writing this, it couldn't have been easy. ((((HUGS))))

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  4. Thank you Julia...no, it wasn't at least at first. Once I get started it becomes a lot easier. That tends to be the way things go...once you take the first step it goes well enough.

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